Growing up as a guy always has its challenges when it comes to celebrating days that revolve around a female. When you’re little your parents handle all those things. I had 2 sisters so whenever they had a birthday or something I never really “got them” anything (mostly because I didn’t have any money) but I just knew there would be a ton of girls around the house at some point.
When Mom would have a birthday it was different. When you’re really little it just means that Dad would get something for mom and just put your name on it too (this was a sweet deal). But then when Mother’s Day would roll around it was different because she WAS/IS my mom. But still, I would have no money so dad would just get her something and sign mine and my sisters names to it.
As we got older the role would change a little. It became the stereotypical event of going to the mall and picking her something out. Inevitably it would be something that she could then have the joy of exchanging for something else in a few weeks. She NEVER kept anything we gave her unless it was handmade. Then when we got a little older (but still had no money) dad would give each kid a little bit of money to buy mom something and we could either get her 3 separate things or go in together and get her something nicer. I think we usually went in together (we live together, we die together…at least that’s how it felt). Every once and a while there would be the time when we would hit a home run and get her the perfect gift. The gift that she would love forever and never exchange. But there was only one sure fire way you knew that this had been achieved. She would cry. This immediately told you that you had succeeded. And thus this became the goal for any gift ever given to mom. As we got older and got jobs and had our own money to spend we took over our own responsibility during these holidays. Even today it still holds true.
When you get married that role changes. At first the tendency is to just say Happy Mothers Day (even if your wife isn’t a mom). You don’t celebrate it or anything, you just say the words like it’s Christmas or something. Now you have a mother-in-law to add to the list, but as the guy you don’t know what to get her so your wife just handles it. This is one of the perks of getting married to an awesome woman. She even handles the gift for your mom. You’re just in charge of writing something meaningful on the card. Awesome! Girls are so much better at this stuff anyways.
But then, one day, everything changes. When your wife gets pregnant everything comes full circle and you are now the dad in charge of making sure your bride always knows that she is loved and appreciated as a mom. If Mother’s Day happens to fall during the pregnancy then you definitely want to make sure you celebrate it. If you believe like I do, LIFE is in the blood. As soon as the sperm joins that egg you have life and that makes the one holding that life a mom. Do not miss this opportunity. Yes, that means you are a dad as well, but for most guys it doesn’t sink in till after the baby is born. But hey, since when is it about you anyways? It doesn’t have to be huge and over the top but you want to celebrate it. You want to reassure her that for all the reasons that you love her those are the same reasons why she will be a great mom. Get her flowers. Get her a card. And tell her HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! For real. Because now it is real.
But what do you do when the story doesn’t stay happy? What happens when tragedy befalls you and your bride? What happens when the child you hoped for, prayed for, longed for and prepared for doesn’t get to stay with you? What do you do?? What do you do when your heart is broken and in pieces and you’re surrounded by “real moms” as the world probably views it??
Life keeps going and the world expects you to move on. As a guy your brain allows you to compartmentalize everything so that you don’t have to be in “that place” all the time. You can watch tv, work outside, read a book, go to work or hang out with the guys and not really have all this “reality” in the forefront of your mind. But your wife can’t. It’s all she can think about. It’s all she can do to even get out of bed. She doesn’t want to see anyone and certainly doesn’t want to see any kids (especially not babies or people with babies). Everything that she does, says and thinks is forever connected to the sadness and despair that happened to her. There is a hole in her heart and you as the husband, unfortunately can not fill it. So what do you do???
I’m sorry to say I don’t have the answer. You can’t fix it. (Sorry if this isn’t what you were expecting). The truth is, only time and prayer will tell. Although I can’t tell you what will fix it, I can tell you what I do. Remind her that she is still a mom. Celebrate. Tell her Happy Mother’s Day. For real. Buy her a card, get her flowers and maybe a little gift that she can wear or look at that reminds her that she has a child, even if that child isn’t in her arms.
Unfortunately, you’ll never get the chance to take that kid to the mall and pick something out for mom. You won’t get to give that kid money to buy her something that she can exchange later. And trust me, she’ll already be crying enough so at this point that is not quite the achievement you were hoping it would be. But it does get better. There will always be hard days and all you can do is hold her, hug her, kiss her and tell her you understand, you’re sorry and you love her. Don’t try to “fix” her because you can’t. Just be there with her. As time goes on you get stronger and if you stay by her side then you two will grow stronger together. And if you trust and hope in the One that gives hope then you will also grow stronger in your relationship with Him as well. Bonus!
So although it’s not going to be an easy day for sure and there will be much crying, all is not lost. It does get easier. So stay strong. Stay hopeful. Trust not in your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths. This is my prayer for all mothers and fathers that have to bear this cross. Trust in the one that bore an even heavier cross for you. That’s the only thing that’s gotten me through. That’s the only thing that works.
Trent now chooses to write openly and honestly about his grieving process and hopes that his words will help others feel less alone.
Trent blogs at Inside the mind of a father with no son.
- Mother’s Day - May 10, 2015