As Still Mothers, RaeAnne and I are painfully aware of how difficult life can be without our beloved children. We know that life feels incredibly empty a lot of the time, and that it is hard to find meaning when our motherhood – a very large part of the identities we had envisioned for ourselves – is now in question.
We believe that fundamentally we are still very much mothers to our sons. But we also know that we don’t get to mother in the way we imagined and the way that we so desire.
We decided to create Still Mothers when time kept moving on and we began to realise that we didn’t exactly ‘fit’ in the communities that were available to us. We felt hurt by the focus that is put on healing through having another child after loss; we can’t possibly know what the future holds, or if our futures will include parenting living children.
It seemed absurd to me that there weren’t resources for women who were looking to find peace and healing in ways other than having more children. What about the women who are physically unable to conceive again? What about the mothers who have had lost multiple children? What about the women who have decided, as a result of their loss, that they would rather not try to conceive again? What about the women who decide to wait for a long period of time before again trying to add to their families? Birth does not always follow the death of a baby. And for a surprising amount of women, death follows death – yes, even babies conceived after loss die. Recurrent loss is a very real thing. So is infertility (and for a lot of women, so is secondary infertility).
Enough is enough! we decided. We deserve to find a life of healing and hopefully eventual contentment, even if we won’t ever get to be parents in the traditional sense of the word. We should have the kind of support and community that other bereaved parents are able to find.
Our vision for Still Mothers is to create a community for families who are living life every day without any living children. We want to focus on the reality of what those lives look like. We want to be real about the feelings, about how incredibly difficult it is. How there is often little reward for our efforts each day. But we also want to focus on how strong and resilient Still Mothers are. We can do hard things – we prove this each and every day just by waking up and carrying on.
I truly believe that in time, and with a bit of effort, we can find some sort of peace in our new realities. We never have to like the fact that our children are dead. Never. But there can be happiness next to the sadness. Excitement next to the longing. Hope next to the despair. Peace next to the anger.
RaeAnne and I recently attended the Selah retreat that was hosted by the MISS Foundation. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore talked a lot about being able to sit with not just our grief, but all of our feelings. We talked about mindfulness and allowing ourselves to feel how we feel, but how to not let our feelings define our every action. The origin of the word emotion is “to move through” or “to stir up”. Dr. Jo pointed out that if we allow ourselves to sit with those feelings, without trying to change them, eventually they will move on and be replaced by another emotion. Nothing stays exactly the same. And this is why if we ignore our grief, it will eventually pierce through our protective wall, and most likely send us crumbling.
For me, this was a very profound way of thinking! I’ve been pretty in tune with my own need to grieve and sit with my grief. It makes so much sense! Feel sad when I’m sad, feel anger when I’m angry, feel joy when I’m happy. So simple and so enlightening. And let me tell you – it works.
In the coming days, you will see this theme develop here. We want Still Mothers to feel almost like a lifestyle magazine for childless families. We want to share techniques and coping mechanisms, ideas for self care, ways to honour your parenthood (because you are still a parent!), ways to be involved with other Still Families, and more. All while being able to remember our children, and feel their absence.
We have so many ideas and so many plans, and we’re so very grateful that YOU are here, wanting to belong to this community and wanting to learn how to live a meaningful life, despite being childless after the death of your child.
Please comment below (or send us an email) if there is anything you would like to see on Still Mothers – whether you have a specific question or general idea. We are here to support you, the Still Mother (or father or grandparent), and for us that includes helping you with the things that you would like to know about. So let us know 🙂
Sending lots of love and peace,
Lisa
*** all photos in this post taken at Sedona Mago Retreat and © All That Glitters Photographic
After years of investigation, it was determined that Finley's death was caused by many counts of medical negligence by the military hospital where he was born. Lisa found it to be incredibly important to hold the hospital and medical staff responsible for their actions, and Lisa and her husband were offered a wrongful death settlement from the United States government for the death of their son. They hope that by holding the hospital legally accountable, that it will prevent other babies from dying in a similarly needless way.
Lisa is just a normal girl trying to help her son's memory live on by writing honestly and openly about life, love and loss. She is co-founder and web designer at Still Mothers, blogs at The Stars Apart (formerly Dear Finley) about all things life and babyloss, and has also written articles for Still Standing Magazine and Circle of Moms. Lisa lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with her husband Steve and their cheeky dog, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier called Jacob. She tries to find meaning in life by pursuing her many hobbies and interests, which include photography, crafting and web design.
- The Birthday That I Want – Finley’s Birthday Post - March 23, 2016
- Talk to Us Tuesday - June 16, 2015
- Talk to us Tuesday - May 26, 2015
This website has been a lifesaver for me. We lost our first and only child to a cord accident when I was 32 weeks pregnant. Hannah’s anniversary is coming up on Monday. This site has helped me navigate the loneliness of my new normal. Right before the 1 year anniversary we moved across the country and it has been so lonely. I feel like an outsider. This site gives me a place to go when I’m feeling sad and need to know that my sadness is normal. Thank you for creating this.
I cried when I first found this site because finally there is somewhere to relate to others who have gone through similar circumstances I have. I don’t want anyone to have experienced what we have, but it has felt so alienating to not only lose our only daughter (to a cord accident at 41 weeks), but then to have more losses, reproductive surgeries and diagnoses and now secondary infertility, with little hope for biological children (only 1 damaged/repaired tube left + other diagnoses). It has been two years since our daughter died and I am to the point where it is so hard to endures the constant looks at my belly, the not-so-coy ‘what is new with you guys?’, the blatant ‘when are you going to try again?’ (I don’t think they want the real answer), and, in my opinion, the worst.. the ‘just have faith/God has a plan/don’t lose hope’ or ‘just adopt/do IVF/do foster care’. If they only knew how many times I have foolishly hung onto hope and what we all have endured. Thank you so much for this site. I am sorry that there is a need for it, but thank you for being there. Also, thank you for not using the term rainbow baby– when I was in the baby loss communities I always thought ‘my baby was not a storm even though the loss of her is a cloud that will always hang over me’ and I am glad that I am not alone in seeing that.
Thank you so much for this site!! We lost our baby girl, Emilyn, due to a cord accident at 40w3d. Plagued by secordary infertility, it is so nice to go somewhere for support for people specifically without living children. This site is going to be a blessing to so many, God Bless you for being brave enough to create this! Much love to all!
Kristen
Thank you, Kristen! We wish it wasn’t needed, but are proud to stand with all Still Mothers!
Hi, Kristen– We also lost our baby girl, Autumn, to a cord accident at 41 weeks. We have since had more losses, a few surgeries and now secondary infertility. I am sorry that you lost your baby girl and have also been plagued by infertility. This site truly is a blessing, as you said, and I cannot believe how many women are in similar situations. Thinking of you.
Thank you for this article. It is so nice to be able to read all of these and not feel alone in this journey
You are welcome Chris, thanks for sharing <3
Thank you for helping me join other angels mommys. Not everyone can truely understand the pain we share. Thank you for all you do.
You’re very welcome Magdalene <3
Thank you so much for creating this support group. Though I have close friends and family who know what loss is like, none know the pain of no living children. It’s great to be able to share and hear from those who do!
It’s a very unique and isolating kind of grief, isn’t it? We’re glad you found us <3
Thank you for Still Mother’s and for all the support you provide. ❤️
You are so very welcome <3
What a great read. I’m a new mother and my daughter has been in heaven for over one month and it has been very hard. I’m glad to have found this blog.
We’re glad you’ve found us, but so very sorry you’re here. I hope that you’re being very gentle with yourself, it’s such early days. Please reach out if there’s anything we can help with <3
Thanks for sharing.
I definitely think just the support and learning the different ways that others cope is especially helpful.
We hope to be sharing more information about self care and coping strategies soon!
very thankful for a resource like people. i have had 2 losses and people keep telling me “oh you’ll have another.” but they don’t understand that having another doesn’t take away the pain but also another may not ever come. 🙁
That’s exactly it, Stephanie!
This is such an important resource for mother’s who haven’t received our “rainbow babies”. I think there is just as much of an assumption in the loss community as the traditional mother community. The traditional community believes that pregnancy=baby; they do not know loss and assume it is not a thing that happens very often. Once it happens to you, you realize differently. In the loss community, there seems to be an assumption that 1 loss=rainbow pregnancy next time. I have lost 3 out of 3 pregnancies (2 miscarriages and stillbirth at 42 weeks) and have never felt I have found a community where I belong. No one understands and many don’t want to try to, because it is so scary to them. I am so glad that mommas, like myself, have this resource and community now! Thank you so much for what you are doing and being our “place” in this world!
Thank you for sharing Shawna! We agree with how the loss community feels about those of us who don’t go on to have another baby, or continue to have losses. It is too frightening for people to comprehend, and yet is so incredibly real.
1. Thank you for no rainbow babies.
2. I’d love more info on how to support my husband. I mean, I know men go unacknowledged, but long term, what does that support from me look like?
1. You’re so very welcome <3
2. I hope you saw the article that Jason wrote about this topic - we had him write it especially because you asked
http://www.stillmothers.com/2015/05/25/supporting-your-husband-in-his-grief/
So true. Because of the resources that were out there, it did seem like most often coping revolved around getting pregnant again. After the stillbirth of my daughter, I did. And then I miscarried at 10 weeks. Part of taking care of myself will be learning how to be a mother without a child to hold, because the despair and depression I feel from this recurring loss is so devastating. I have no desire to “wake up and carry on”, but I do… although not having that child to focus my energy on like I had anticipated makes it impossible to be productive. I am stuck in a haze and going through this world like a zombie. So hearing from those who are navigating similar waters will be immensely helpful.
Thanks for sharing Jennifer,
It certainly is easy to find the desire and motivation to face life, when the life you had planned is just gone. We get that, and we’re glad you’ve found us
I’m so grateful to this site. I have felt like I can not connect anywhere. And it kills me to watch women who have living babies “forget” about their lost ones. It makes me feel more like a freak because I don’t connect there either. So thank you.
You are definitely not a “freak”. It is just so hard to watch women move on with their lives and their new babies and their hope while we have to continue to live and struggle through each day. We all can understand the feelings you have, and hope that Still Mothers is a place of comfort for you <3
I am *so* incredibly grateful to finally have a place like Still Mothers – I am sick to death of the lack of acknowledgement even among loss moms that not everyone gets a rainbow, and/or that not all rainbows survive. I am sick of being told that people are still hoping for the best for us, as if having a living child is the only acceptable outcome. I am sick of the culture of “never give up” and the way it equates accepting childlessness with giving up. Saving our sanity and our marriage is NOT giving up – it’s reclaiming what we DO have. In the last 6 years we’ve lost 5 babies and had countless failed IUIs and IVFs, and we finally reached the point where enough is enough. When someone asks if we have kids I always answer, “None living.” And we’re ok.
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves!! Thank you!
“never giving up” doesn’t really apply when your babies keep dying. At some stage we decide that we cannot cope with more loss. I decided after burying three children that I would “give up”. But only because another loss would have been the end of me.
This is an absolutely beautifully written and well said article.
I don’t belong in any of the groups of friends I used to have and trying to make new ones has been incredibly difficult. The loss of my son caused PTSD.
This site is encouraging to me in the fact that I can see someone else doing it… So, I can too!
I want to help so many and thank you for helping me.
Kelly, I also have PTSD. My husband and I lost a daughter (stillborn at 28 weeks) and then two sons, both born alive and well, to SIDS. I’ve had PTSD for about 6-7 years now, and it makes it very difficult indeed to belong to function properly in any group of people. At least this group understands what we continue to go through.
Hi Kelly,
Thank you for sharing with us. I also live every day with PTSD. It has been incredibly difficult to continue through each day, especially with the many triggers that can bring me right back into those moments of him dying.
I am glad you find this site encouraging, and hope so much that it continues to be so.
Regards,
Lisa
Thank you so much. It’s been fifteen years since I lost the one baby I struggled so long and hard to conceive. A few months after I lost her, I realized I could not try again.
I am a certified nurse-midwife. I protect mothers and babies as my life’s work. The grief that I could not keep one baby alive inside my own body nearly pushed me into the void. I’ve delivered 800 babies in my 20+ year career. People tell me I am a mother to those babies. I am *not* a mother to those babies. I am a midwife to those babies. They have their own mothers. I understand how the world cannot bear our pain. I’ve learned to live with it and to rarely talk about it. I’ve made my own peace. I am grateful to find this place, where there is understanding that sometimes the pain simply will not be taken away.
Ariel – this is so very heartbreaking to read, and I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you. Thank you for sharing with us, and we’re so glad you’ve found us.
So thankful to have this website to use as a resource. Even though it has been almost 2 years since my loss of Noah, there are still many days where it is difficult to get out of bed or be around children. This website has already opened my mind up to new ideas and ways of grieving and I love it! So thankful<3
Two years really is still a short amount of time. We are here remembering Noah with you, and are very glad that you’ve felt supported here. We look forward to supporting you and this community in the future <3
I’m so grateful for this site! it was just what I needed on mother’s day. This was my first mother’s day and my son passed away March 1st. i had so been looking forward to finally being a mother and my first mother’s day and then lost my child at two months old. All the articles on launch day really helped me that day. I’m so glad you have created a place for Mom’s with no living children to gather and help each other on this journey we are all on. Each day is a learning process for me as i learn to walk in this new life path that I wasn’t expecting and would rather not be taking of course. Learning to live a life without your child is very difficult to do. Thank you all so much for this website!
Hi Allison,
We’re so sorry to hear about your precious baby. I still feel so sad when I hear of new families joining this community, but we are also glad that we are able to be here and support you.
It’s wonderful to hear that the Mother’s Day articles were helpful for you. We know that it is a very tough day for most Still Mothers, without living children to celebrate their motherhood with.
Sending you lots of love <3
Great blog!
I’m so grateful to find a resource like you. It’s been 6 months and I’m struggling with the loss of our baby girl Harley in Nov. she died at 37 weeks due to a cord accident. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing Harley with us. We know how difficult the early days after the death of a child can be, and hope that you find some comfort and community here at Still Mothers <3
I have 2 angels and think of them daily. I can no longer have children and it seems like no one understands what I’m going through. I really appreciate this site!
I’m very sorry to hear about your precious children. We know how lonely living as a Still Mother can be, and hope that this community will help you to feel less alone <3
I am very grateful for the creation of this community. I’ve had many years of learning to exist without my children but existing is far from living a fulfilling life. Even writing the words seem unreal to me…at 44, it’s been 16 years since I lost my ability to have children. Years have passed but I’m still “stuck”. I’m looking forward to continuing my journey with other women who share this same heartache.
We completely understand that feeling of being “stuck”. We hope that by connecting women and families who are experiencing similar heartbreaking stories that we will help you to feel less alone.
Thank you for sharing with us, and please let us know if there is anything you think would be valuable to share in this space <3
I’m stuck too. Even after making major life changes, I’m still stuck. My life is not fulfilling. In fact, I don’t know if I can live a fulfilling life any more. I just don’t know how to do it. Maybe I can learn from others on this site. I hope so.
I appreciate all of you that made this site happen. I have two angels and no living children of my own(I have a 6 year old stepson). Nobody understands the emotions I deal with and i’m hoping this site can help me understand how to.
Thanks for your comment Jaimie. We’re so glad you found us, but also very sorry that you know how it feels to be a Still Mother. I’m sending you lots of love and hoping that this community is a help for you <3
This is so touching to my heart.
awesome article
This is a great blog and page. I am glad to have this and so many other stories to read and relate to. Things have not really sunken in for me and it helps to know I’m not alone.
Thank you for being so open,
Rachel
Hi Rachel,
It can take a long time for things to really sink in. We encourage you to reach out to others in the community if you require support and just somebody to talk to.
Please let us know if there is anything you would like to see here that would help you <3
It was hard reading the other groups experiences; everyone getting their rainbow babies and still grieving. Still part of a loss group when they are breast feeding. That is so selfish of me. Why do I feel like that. I don’t like it. I’m trying really hard. It’ll be a year since in lost him in a few weeks. I’m not doing so great. This was number 7. Jonathan.
It isn’t selfish for you to want to protect your heart from any more hurt. I understand that you feel as though even those with living children deserve the support about the children they lost, but you are just as important and deserve a community that will support you without you having to see all that you are missing out on. We hope that Still Mothers will be that community for you.
Anniversaries are very hard. Please let me know if there’s anything more I can do to support you <3
I love this blog. Can’t wait to read more. My son’s birthday is tuesday. So it’s all hitting me in the heartstrings
The anniversaries are some of the worst times of the year. Sending you lots of love and support as you get nearer the day, and I truly hope the day itself is peaceful for you <3
I Love love love this blog and your Facebook page. Thank you for being there for all of us.
You are very welcome Stephanie. We’re so glad you like it.
I love this. It speaks so much truth for me. I’m glad to finally have a place where I know others have no living children as well. Thank you for making this website.
~Sasha, Hayden’s Mommy♡
We’re very glad that you can come here and feel safe knowing that you won’t be bombarded by parents to living children. We look forward to supporting you more in the future <3
Great blog
Beautiful read. Thank you for being a resource for all of us. Just lost my baby in March and your posts have been a great help
Please be gentle on yourself. The early days are so difficult. We hope to have more posts soon that will relate to the very recently bereaved mothers and families. Sending lots of love your way <3
Just beautiful!! thank you for all your hard work on making this group start for us I have really enjoyed it so far!!
Thank you Rebecca. We are so glad you are liking it so far.
This is beautiful. And I love your site. I just lost my son in February and have joined and left tons of groups because hearing about how people went on to have success doesn’t help because I don’t know if I can. Right now I only have one child and he is in Heaven and he is all I am concentrating on at the moment. This is a great thing you all are doing. <3
Thank you Megan.
I think it’s beautiful that you want to focus on your son. I know that the immediate reaction for a lot of women is to immediately get pregnant again. But even for women who have the ability to conceive after their loss, it is nice to be able to take some time. We are still parents to our children who have died, and it makes sense to spend some time focusing on them.
Be gentle on yourself. Your loss was so recent. We look forward to supporting you as you go forward <3
Beautiful read! Thank you for being a resource and a blessing to all still mothers. Your work is very much appreciated.
Thank you Randi. We hope to make mamas like you and I feel less alone.
i absolutely love this site. love it! it’s been eight months since the death and birth of our only son. given our more “mature” ages and the fact that we only planned for having one child, a tiny family, there are no other children in our sights.
the choice to live childless is easier than multiple losses or a battle in infertility. absolutely. no question. but i’d love for it to be known that there is still grief in that decision. that it isn’t made lightly . . . at.all.
i do very much feel included in this new community. it’s so nice to be in a place where hope exists outside of rainbows. where fulfillment in life comes from just . . . living. because i do believe it’s possible.
Hi Alison,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. We’re really sorry that you need to belong to a place like this, but are very glad you found us and that you are able to relate to the other families here.
We know that the choice to remain childless once your child dies is not an easy one. And there definitely is grief in that choice, especially when the child who died was so loved and wanted.
We believe that fulfilment can eventually come from living after your only children die, and we hope to share that, along with the ugly sides about being a Still Mother here on the blog.
Sending you lots of love. It’s still early days from the death of your son. Please be gentle with yourself.
Lisa <3