Good afternoon everyone. We’re back for our second Talk to us Tuesday post.
If you’d like to learn more about what this weekly feature is, or to read people’s answers and the conversation from last week, check out last week’s post.
Yesterday we posted a great article written by Jason Kimble about ways that Still Mothers can support their husbands and partners. We so want to include the Still Fathers here, and we’re big advocates for maintaining and creating healthy relationships after the death of a child.
Today’s
topic for Talk to us Tuesday will follow on from yesterday’s post.
We want to know:
- How do you support your partner (whether it is your husband, boyfriend, fiance, wife, girlfriend, etc.) through their grief journey?
- What has been a valuable tool for you in working through your own grief, while allowing the need for your partner to also grieve in the way they need?
- Do you find that your spouse or partner is supportive of you in your grief?
- Are there ways that you need to grieve that your spouse or partner doesn’t understand?
You can share with us and get the conversation going by leaving a comment below.
<3
Co-Creator and Web Designer at Still Mothers
Lisa Sissons is mother to Finley Arthur Sissons, who was born and died in Naples, Italy at 3 days old in 2012. Finley was diagnosed with a very severe case of Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy, after enduring a lengthy period without oxygen during labour and after his birth.
After years of investigation, it was determined that Finley's death was caused by many counts of medical negligence by the military hospital where he was born. Lisa found it to be incredibly important to hold the hospital and medical staff responsible for their actions, and Lisa and her husband were offered a wrongful death settlement from the United States government for the death of their son. They hope that by holding the hospital legally accountable, that it will prevent other babies from dying in a similarly needless way.
Lisa is just a normal girl trying to help her son's memory live on by writing honestly and openly about life, love and loss. She is co-founder and web designer at Still Mothers, blogs at The Stars Apart (formerly Dear Finley) about all things life and babyloss, and has also written articles for Still Standing Magazine and Circle of Moms. Lisa lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with her husband Steve and their cheeky dog, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier called Jacob. She tries to find meaning in life by pursuing her many hobbies and interests, which include photography, crafting and web design.
After years of investigation, it was determined that Finley's death was caused by many counts of medical negligence by the military hospital where he was born. Lisa found it to be incredibly important to hold the hospital and medical staff responsible for their actions, and Lisa and her husband were offered a wrongful death settlement from the United States government for the death of their son. They hope that by holding the hospital legally accountable, that it will prevent other babies from dying in a similarly needless way.
Lisa is just a normal girl trying to help her son's memory live on by writing honestly and openly about life, love and loss. She is co-founder and web designer at Still Mothers, blogs at The Stars Apart (formerly Dear Finley) about all things life and babyloss, and has also written articles for Still Standing Magazine and Circle of Moms. Lisa lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with her husband Steve and their cheeky dog, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier called Jacob. She tries to find meaning in life by pursuing her many hobbies and interests, which include photography, crafting and web design.
Latest posts by Lisa Sissons (see all)
- The Birthday That I Want – Finley’s Birthday Post - March 23, 2016
- Talk to Us Tuesday - June 16, 2015
- Talk to us Tuesday - May 26, 2015
One thing I found was that men and women grieve very differently. My husband was not one to talk very much of our losses, especially our son who passed at birth. But together we planted a flower garden in memory of our children. It’s been very therapeutic for us to work side by side and see the flowers and greenery grow and bloom each year. Somehow even though he’s not one to talk much about it, working side by side is very supportive.
We both tried to be as supportive as we could to each other. I am one who found peace in talking about our child and feel that others acknowledging him helps keep his memory alive. I also made a scrapbook of our photos and ultrasounds.
My husband, while unable to look through the scrapbook frequently, has supported my desire to do this and found enjoyment in helping pick out papers and stickers for it.
My husband doesn’t really like to talk about our son or look at the photos, where as I am the same as you – I find comfort in doing those things. I’m glad that you’ve been able to get the support from him in working together to honour your children though. That must be so reassuring for you <3
Our son Carl Jr passed away on May 13th, 2014 at 3 months and 25 days old. The only reason we got was SIDS ..
It took me a while to understand that my husband and I grieve differently. I had to (and still do)go to the cemetery everyday. I cried for my son every night. I begged to switch places, if not that then to die so I can be with my Carl Jr. My husband was able to continue his normal routine,in my eyes at that time, it was like our son never exsisted and he moved on from it. It wasn’t like that at all, he was being “strong” for me. He had to go to work and pay the bills bc I didn’t, I had to be as close to my son by being at the cemetery all day everyday. There were some days that he had to come and force me to leave. He had to cook and clean and do laundry. So what I saw as him living his everyday routines was really him taking care of me and letting me grieve the way I had to without forcing me to do things I couldn’t do yet. I love him even more for that.
Your husband sounds pretty amazing! I’m glad that he was there for you when you needed the space and time to be sad and to be with your son. I do hope that he’s had some opportunity to let out his feelings as well <3
My partner and I have become closer since our devastating loss I don’t think I would have survived without him he keeps me going and I think thats what keeps him going.
I’m glad to hear that your relationship has strenghted <3
My husband grieved by finding closure for us in having our daughter, Helen Jeannette Fisher-Hattey named and cremated after my D&C. Using a funeral home validated our loss, when to others it was “just a miscarriage”. He poured his love for her into caring for me post-op. We cried together and took time off from work. He took a week and I took over a month. He loves me through my sad days and I love him when he shares his sadness with me. He needed to go back to work to cope and I supported him in that, just as he supported me in staying home on leave. We grieve differently and have had different needs at different times, but we have allowed each other a safe space to let it all out. We are a stronger couple because of our loss and being childless still has crushed us both. He is agnostic, but sits next to me in church when I feel like I need to go to keep my head above water. We just lean on each other.
It sounds like your husband is pretty amazing. I’m glad you are able to support each other even though your needs are different. That is so helpful <3
It took my husband longer to start grieving our daughter, because he was also happy that I didn’t die as well. That caused a lot of resentment for awhile.
How long would you say it took him?
My husband has been great. He doesn’t get my grief. He has basically put our loss out of his mind (his way of coping). He allows me the time and space I need when I’m sad…
Your husband sounds very similar to mine. He puts it out of his mind and for the most part allows me to do what I need for my own grief <3
When we lost our son Tyler a little more that 4 years ago I found that my husband and I grieved in very different ways. At some points it felt to me like he didn’t really care. In the beginning that was really difficult for me. As time has gone by and we’ve had more losses, I realized that we just handle the pain in very different ways and that’s okay. He has always been supportive of my feelings as I am of his. I think the best way I support him is to allow him to grieve for our angels in the ways he chooses to and not to judge his feelings. For myself I have done a lot of different things that seem to help. I attended a support group that the hospital I delivered our son at offered, I kept a journal that even now I write in at times, I saw a therapist for a while, and I read blogs and articles online that spoke to me. I also reach out to new loss mamas that I have learned of from friends and family- if I can help someone else even a little it helps me to feel like Tyler’s brief life continues to impact myself and others.
It sounds like you’ve gotten closer even though you cope with the deaths of your children so very differently. The biggest thing is to respect each other’s needs in your grief <3
June 1, 2015 our son, Lincoln Lee, will be 22 years old. When I was 4 months pregnant we found out that he was not going to live. We chose to believe in answered prayers and a miracle that he would be healed. At 8 months pregnant we enduced because we thought if our prayers were answered he would be ok and if our prayers were not answered the outcome would be the same. Lincoln died during labor, his little body couldn’t withstand the birthing process. I begged for a c-section but the insurance said it was an unnessary surgery so my baby was born still. It is hard after 22 years, my husband and I grieved in different ways. He chose to blame God and still has not returned to church. I pretty much grieved on my own, but that was ok. Our marriage is good, we still miss our son everyday but we are ok. I know I will be with him in Heaven.
I tend to grieve on my own a lot too, as my husband has dealt with our son dying in a completely different way. For the most part that has been okay, and I’ve learned there are things that I can get from other people that he’s just not able to give. I don’t resent that.
I’m glad that your marriage is good, despite the differences you’ve had <3
My husband and I lost our daughter Avril Fiona when she was 2 1/2 months. Losing our daughter has brought us closer together. Being able to honor her in any way helps with our healing. I know she will never leave me or my husband and together we can make it thru this hard time.
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you share an incredibly close bond with your husband, which I am sure is a great comfort to you <3
After our loss my husband and i grieved together and supported each other quite well. For a long time it was like we would take turns, when the grief hit me he would comfort and listen to me and when the grief hit him i would swap roles and comfort and listen to him. And of course when it hit us both at the same time we would be with each other to get through it. Talking to each other has been the best therapy for us getting out all the frustrations and pain that come with grief and we never judge each other even when what seems like the most silly things came out in grief. We just listen and support each other in what ever we are feeling at the time. My husband has been the most supportive person to me in all of this, we had a strong relationship before all this and this has made us stronger.
I’m so glad that your husband has been so supportive and amazing, and it sounds like he’s lucky to have you as well <3
I don’t think I do as well at supporting my husband as he does me, but I do my best. Our loss has made us closer, and I’m grateful for that at least. We text each other at least once a day when we’re both at work, which helps us stay connected in this world where only he and I have lost these babies of ours. I also try to let my husband grieve the way he needs to (mostly by being alone and playing video games more than usual, and not hanging out with friends as much), instead of trying to make him handle it like I do. The main thing he doesn’t understand about my grief (and didn’t understand during our failed fertility treatments either) is my anger and intense envy of other pregnant women and mothers. But he doesn’t force me to deal with these situations now and is supportive of me talking to others, mainly in Facebook groups, who feel similarly. I don’t know how either of us would be getting through this without the other.
I’m glad you’ve gotten stronger as a couple. And I’m also very glad that he allows you the space you need to feel how you feel, even though he doesn’t really understand those feelings. It sounds like you both have great insight into your relationship <3
My husband and I lost our daughter Sadie Mae in October of this year. We have grown stronger though our grief. I was in the hospital 30 days before Sadie was born and my poor husband worked took care of our house and animals and was still at the hospital half the day! We were hoping to wait another 30 days in the hospital before she came but we had an emergency c section. He was handed our baby and was told she would not make it and they said that I was bleeding alot and that I might not make it. From that moment on he said he was grateful for every second and now is so grateful I’m in his life still. Even though we lost her we are trying to now find positive in our lives and to look at what we are doing to honor her life. By making donations or helping others. Being open and talking to others about our story and infant loss to make her little life meaningful. We are close and growing closer but we talk to each other and are honest when we need space, or to talk or to cuddle. She has helped us communicate better to love each other more and to appreciate the little things in life we were not paying attention to. My husband is my rock and we are growing though this loss and we are trying to be the parents we wanted to be even though she is not here with us!!
It sounds like your husband is so amazing. My husband nearly lost me from a haemorrhage as well, and I am pretty certain it was really frightening for him. He doesn’t ever really talk about it. I’m glad that you have been able to become stronger in your marriage <3
After losing our triplets in December my husband and I spent the remainder of my 8 week “maternity” leave trying to cope with our loss. We went on a trip-not a vacation- to clear our heads. Taking with us the stuffed animals that stayed in my hospital room and near their isolates until we lost our last son. We work everyday to stay positive and share our sons memories with anyone who will listen. We go to support groups together and release balloons every 9th of the month with tags of our contact information in hopes someone finds them and contacts us. It’s a hard journey that we take day by day. A huge part of our hearts were lost the day each of our sons died. But our hearts still beat.. Our lungs still breathe..and we keep going on..
It sounds like your husband is incredibly supportive and on the same page as you! I hope that you get many contacts from your balloons <3
My husband and I lost our first-born, Nolan at 26 weeks in January. Completely unexpected, reason unknown. In February we joined at local Grief Share group, and it has been so good for both of us. Like many couples, we’ve grieved at different stages and in different ways. I told him early on that I just needed him to listen and not try to “fix it.” That was hard for him as a man, but he was respectful of that and has tried his best to love me through it. I don’t think he fully understood why I was grieving the way I was. Grief Share helped him see that I’m not crazy, and helped me see that I’m not alone. And there is such a strong sense of community within our group. Though our losses are all different, we realize that grief is hard no matter what, and have all supported one another. In 13 weeks, we have all become such close friends. I would recommend it to anyone.
I’m so glad that you’ve found a support in real life that is helpful. It sounds like you have an amazing husband, and I’m so glad that you’ve managed to go through this together <3
My husband and I have grieved both losses in completely different ways. We lost our first pregnancy in the second trimester just 3 months after we were married. We lost our second 2 and half years later. Our grieving has been handled completely different. I’m very open about the constant ache that I carry around every day, while he almost never mentions it. He is very supportive of my emotions, but I sometimes wish that he showed just a little more. While it is a daily struggle for me, I definitely feel that it has made our marriage stronger.
I think it’s hard when our partners don’t grieve the same as us, because it makes you question why. I’m glad that overall your marriage has been made stronger though.
My husband and I were blessed with two beautiful baby boys. Sebastian Zavier was born sleeping August 30 2012 and Angel Gabriel was born November 3 2913 and passed away 30 minutes after he was born. My husband and I have only grown stronger and closer. We have always been there for each other. We know our boys are looking down on us. We love them so very much.
^^Angel Gabriel was born November 3 2013.
Thank you for sharing Amanda, and we’re very glad that you have gotten closer to your husband <3
Wishing gentle thoughts to all partners going through the grief journey together.
S&G’s mama
My ex and I were together just shy a year (if I’m remembering correctly) when I got pregnant. It was a complete surprise. When I lost the baby a few weeks after we found out we both handled it entirely different. He didn’t understand why I was grieving. Kept telling me I needed to just get over it. In the end it pushed us away from each other. Our relationship didn’t last much longer after that. I tried to be there for him in the beginning, because if he was drinking he would talk about it from time to time, but that didn’t last and we didn’t. Too much was said and done between us. We couldn’t get past it no matter how much we tried (and we did, for much longer than we should have).
I think that relationships fail a lot when a child dies. It’s hard when you both grieve differently and don’t have the tools needed to be able to work through it together. My husband often tells me I need to move on, and he doesn’t talk much about our son. I think that when you say you tried for longer than you should have – ending the relationship when you had a child that died is very scary. I know that I never want to have my marriage end, because that is my son’s daddy.
I have found, as I’m sure you all have, that my husband grieves differently than I. I have seen and heard a lot of people tell my husband to “take care” of me and “be strong” for me. And that’s what he tried to do, and it wouldn’t help me grieve because I thought I was crazy for being so sad and upset about our baby when he seemed to be carrying on Just fine. I later found out that he was just putting on a strong front and wasn’t actually allowing himself to feel sad or upset about what happened to Ella. Now, we have an agreement that he is allowed to feel whatever he wants whenever he wants and he doesn’t have to “be strong” for me. Ella would want us to support each other through this journey and that’s what we are doing. We are each other’s shoulder to cry on and we love to talk about our beautiful forever 10 day old baby girl.
Something that is helpful to me in working through my grief has been talking to close friends and reading as many books as I can on infant loss. I am so desperate to find someone who has been through the same situation and can relate to me that reading books really seems to help.
My husband is ,oddly supportive of my grief, but sometimes my grief comes out as anger, and he doesn’t know how to deal with that especially when it seems like it is directed at him. I have to learn to communicate what I am feeling better so he knows when I’m grieving.
I know it sounds silly, but I love to look at baby clothes and imagine what my baby would look like in them. My husband doesn’t understand this part of my grief and has a hard time helping me through it. I also have a stuffed animal I love to hold but he doesn’t really get that either.
I struggle with the anger bursts too, and have worked hard for about a year now on trying to manage it in a more positive way. It is definitely a journey. And I’m glad that you have found ways for you and your husband to each grieve in the way that you need
The best thing we did was therapy together. It was so easy to internalize everything for me and compartmentalize for him. Having a professional guide us through a constant dialogue allowed us to communicate through the pain so much better.
I’ve heard that the therapy can be a marriage saver. I’m glad you’ve found it useful <3
This coming Subday we will be 10 months post lost. It has been a difficult process with a huge learning curve for my husband and I. In the beginning I was so consumed by the loss of our son, Kaiden who was stillborn at 41 weeks with no cause found. I didn’t realize until 5 months later that my husband had been so busy guarding me and my grief that he never really grieved. He was so consumed with his worry for me that he couldn’t mourn Kaiden at the time. Over the last 5 months as I have been getting progressively more apt at handling my grief he has been falling into his own. He told me that because he sees me doing well and managing better he now feels like he can grieve. My husband and I started grief counselling 2 weeks after Kaiden died, we still go to individual counselling and couples counselling for our grief as well. Through the counselling we learnt how to support each other while we grieved in our own ways. For myself I have been very vocal about my grief and my process, and it took my husband some time to accept that but he has and he knows it is what helps me deal with the constant flood of emotions that we face everyday and will continue to face. For Steve, my husband, he has realized he through himself into protecting me and his work as a distraction. He has now realized that his anxiety and stress and anger about work is actually his grief, he just has been putting it on work. I am supporting him the same way he did me, by allowing him to work out his grief and make some form of peace and acceptance of his own. We now can talk openly with each other about our heartbreak over Kaiden’s death and when one of us is having a grief day we can tell each other that. Although we would do anything to have Kaiden her with us on earth today, we are thankful for the closeness we feel with each other now. Only myself and my husband know what it feels like to parent Kaiden in death, because only we are his parents and I am so glad that we have found a way to do this together and support each other in our grief as well. Counselling has taught us so much about each other and how to be there for the other person without trying to fix anything, because nothing fixes this kind of heartbreak not even time.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband is Steve as well. My husband reacted the same – through himself into work and protecting me and trying to “fix me” so much that I’m convinced he never grieved. Our son died over 3 years ago, and there is an irritability to him that I see now that I am finally starting to feel a bit more clear in my own mind. I try to support him as best I can, but it’s hard when he won’t admit that it could be related to our son’s death. He won’t try counselling and doesn’t really do feelings, so we’re just going one day at a time.
I’m glad that your relationship has gotten stronger, and that you’re learning together how to live your new normal <3
Me and my husband have been married almost 3 years and were together 5 years before that so we knew each other very well. I have to say losing our son Gabriel in January made us so much closer but it hasn’t been easy at all. At first he was there for me but at time he doesn’t understand my feelings or emotions and to be honest sometimes I’m sure how to express them because with grief they all come out at once. Something’s that help me was writing I mean writing a lot I wrote to God and Gabriel a lot especially when I was at home on leave. It was hard and still hard understand why full term baby(35weeks) could just leave us so so soon. Me and my husband pray together and also we do this devotional called grieving the child I never knew together I tell you it’s done wonders. But each couples different with there grieving and each other’s grieving they say a losing a child is the most hardest on a couple and I do believe that but I also think if you lean and cry and hold each other it will strengthen your relationship or marriage but I’ve just really started my grieving journey so what do I know lol and another great thing is reaching out to other lose moms I feel like gives me such full ent to let them know they can make it through this horrible nightmare too and still live happy most of the time!
Thanks for sharing Rebecca. I think that we will never be able to understand why our children die. I’m very glad though that you and your husband have found ways to connect and become closer. I think you’re completely right <3
My fiance and I were together six years before we became pregnant with our wonderful Kayden. We were so excited and overjoyed. By five months pregnant things stayed to go down hill but we never gave up hppe. He supported me and I supported him the best I could since I was on hospital bed rest. I made sure to tell him how proud of him I was and didn’t give him a hard time if he needed a break for a night to not sleep at the hospital. He drove an hour each way. I thanked him for being there for me and the baby. He told me I didn’t have to thank him but I wanted him to know how much he is appreciated. When the day came that we lost our son Kayden he was so strong. He didn’t cry. I knew he was holding it in. Three days later when I was finally home I could see him thinking. I told him it was ok to cry. He did. We just sat there and held each other. We have always had a very very strong bond, but everything that happened has brought us even closer.
Thank you for sharing Kelsey. It sounds like you have an amazing husband, and I’m glad you’ve been able to support each other in positive and meaningful ways.
I’m not too sure if what I have to say really goes with this topic. Me and my fiancée were together for almost 3 years before I got pregnant with our son Jayden. He was a still born at 24 weeks. Me and Jon (my fiancée) were brought close together at first. Slowly, we began to drift apart. I love this man. I will forever. However, we both changed and our relationship became overwhelming. I withdrew. I became rebellious. I was trying to start physical and verbal fights with anyone I saw fit. I was angry, sad, and hurt and I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. So, I drowned them. I became a heavy Marijuana smoker. I just wanted it all gone. Marijuana is one thing me and Jon could agree on. We just wanted to forget. Jon became consumed with work and cars(his passion). He became a shell of a man with no emotion at all. We didn’t know how to help each other. Maybe it was an age thing? We were only 19 years old when we lost our son. Eventually, we ended up splitting. It breaks my heart to this day still. I have so much love for him but the loss of our son changed us, and we became no good for one another any longer. I always look back and try to think of how I could have saved our relationship. There was so much hurt, blame, and pride. I hope my story helps couples before it’s too late like it is for Jon and I. If you truly love your partner and want to make it work, don’t let them slip away. Ask questions, be there for them, understand, and listen. It is a lifelong journey of grieving and growing together.
Hi Chelsi, thanks for sharing! There is never a right or wrong answer to the discussions we have here, and so what you have shared is perfect. I’m sorry to hear that your relationship ended <3
After the first loss my husband and I felt very disconnected from each other; because we’ve never gotten to see a heartbeat or anything, it felt like the baby was only real to me. It was only after subsequent losses, and a LOT of talking together, that I came to understand that the more I shared with him about what I was going through (the anxiety of testing, the morning sickness, cravings, etc etc) that the babies became more real for him and, sadly, the losses more profound. The way my husband chooses to grieve is much like myself: tears, expressions of the difficult emotions we’re feeling, feelings of guilt, and prayer. He has been more than supportive in everything and anything I feel helps me to work through the grief and vice versa, and he has always been my rock in faithfulness that, despite the heartbreak we’ve been through these past 2 years, the future still holds happiness for us with or without a living child to call our own. I’m a very pessimistic person, and I don’t know what I would do without his unfailing optimism.
Thank you for sharing Mandy. I’m so glad to hear that your husband has been such an amazing support for you, and that you know that the two of you have a happy future ahead of you.
My husband and I have only gotten closer since our loss last year, and I thank God for that. We both feel free talking about our angels, and our grief. It wasn’t always that way, I used to close up and not talk about it to anyone after my first 7 first trimester losses. However, after our second trimester loss last year I could keep bottled up anymore. After losing my baby boy 3 weeks ago, I have found forums like this, and some Facebook groups, and for the first time have shared my experiences with ‘strangers’. I find it an excellent tool for helping with my grief. My husband doesn’t understand it though, he sees me on my tablet crying while read others stories, and writing about mine. He thinks if it makes me ‘sad’ maybe I shouldn’t do it. He just doesn’t like to see me upset, and I understand that. I just tell him it’s good for me.
I completely understand Jessica! My husband used to say similar things to me. “Why go read it if it just makes you sad?” But I think he’s realised as well as I have that we don’t process in the same way, and that that’s okay. I’m glad you’ve found us, and thank you for sharing.