Hello Still Mothers!
We’re back for another round of Talk to us Tuesday. If you’ve been following us, you know that Tuesdays are the days we like to hear from YOU, about what it’s like to be a Still Mother.
If you’d like to learn more about what this weekly feature is, or to read people’s answers and the conversation from last week, check out the first Talk to us Tuesday’s Post.
We started off the week with a great post by Maureen about the many, many, triggers we face each day as loss mothers, and more specifically as Still Mothers. Sometimes it seems they are everywhere! As Dr. Joanne Cacciatore said, “The world is a hostile place for people whose child has died”. For Still Mothers, even the loss community can feel like a place we can’t be free of triggers!
Today, we want to know: What’s it like for you to be a Still Mother (or Father) in the loss community?
- Do you feel supported?
- Do you feel heard?
- What would you change if you could?
We want to hear from you! Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
She is the creator, co-founder, and Editor of Still Mothers.She is the founding owner of All That Love Can Do, a resource for families who continue pregnancy after a fatal diagnosis. She is a contributing author of Still Standing Magazine, and All That Love Can Do, and her own blog, The Love We Carry.Her story is featured in Still Standing: Because They Lived and "Invisible Mothers".
She is married to her faithful husband, Bryan.
She speaks openly about life and loss, the joy of carrying her son, and the heartache of living without him. She believes no one should have to face a life of loss alone.
- Still Mothering - May 5, 2017
- The Mothering Project - April 9, 2017
- At Least - November 28, 2016
Besides my husband and our mothers, support isn’t that great. After our Brynlee passed we had so much support. Within a week or two, people began moving on with their lives. I do feel heard by the few people in our support system.
If I could change one thing, of course it would be having my Brynlee again.. I would change the sensitivity & understanding of those around me. If you haven’t been here you can’t understand.
I’m so thankful for an outlet & resources with “Still Mothers”. It’s been a blessing. <3
It’s hard when you feel so supported at first, and then gradually the support tapers off as other people get back to their lives and don’t have to live with the constant, sad emptiness that we are left with.
I’m glad you’ve joined us here at Still Mothers. Thank you for sharing <3
In the first weeks after Kaiden’s death I felt supported. Then my friends all disappeared and I was left alone in my grief. My one sister tried and helped a lot this first few months, but she lived three hours away from me. In the new year I found a Loss Mom in my community who was very helpful. We talk all the time and she has helped me a lot. My sister that was so amazing in the beginning has since had her first child and since the birth of my niece I have felt her distance. Almost like she doesn’t know how to be around me anymore. My older sister also lost a baby, shortly after his birth, in the beginning I think I was too much of a trigger for her, maybe stil I am not sure. At times I have had amazing support and been lifted up by some amazing people. As time has passed though I feel the judgement, the “your still not over this” looks when I try to talk about my grief or how I feel. I have felt very isolated and abandoned by many people during the past 10 months. My best friend of 15 years became pregnant shortly after Kaiden died and fell off the face of the earth, I have not heard from her since November……the few people I have found for support all have living children, even the loss friends. None of them get the pain of not having any other child and the possibility of not having one. They can understand my grief to a point but not fully. I know many people say having other children doesn’t lessen your grief for the child who died, whether the children are older or younger. Perhaps it doesn’t lessen the grief, but the longing and the pain of not knowing if you will ever have a child after losing one certainly exists and is an intense raw pain that hasn’t left me or lessened at all. The guilt and shame that you feel when you can’t be around people with children because it just hurts too much…..I felt very alone with those feelings until I found Still Mothers
I completely relate to everything that you say. My relationships have all changed, if not ended. I have found some amazing supports and friends since my son died, whether they are other loss moms or not. But here locally, I am the only one who has lost a child and is living childless. I find it incredibly difficult and isolating. RaeAnne has been such an amazing lifeline for me, and this is the biggest reason why we created Still Mothers. We felt left behind. I am glad you found us, and that being here has brought some comfort to you <3
Support for us has mostly been good, beautiful friends and family that are happy to listen, lend a hug, wanted to see her photo’s and even written letters to my baby. The support of girls in my support group that have been through all this too has been a big help in keeping me going, these people know what its like and all the up and down emotions that come with grieving. Im a long way off healing and have a lot to try and get through in the future and the support from these people keep me going. Unfortunately there is the dark side to support for grieving, in my case the close family that expects you to be over your loss and forget your baby because they think you are not grieving right and they just want it all to be forgotten. What they dont realise is that is not possible, you dont forget something like this its burnt into your heart and soul. But thankfully they dont understand because even how cruel and painful their words may be i wouldn’t wish them to be any part of this world. I remember a quote that went something like this: As time goes by we will forget the words they have said, but will always remember how they made you feel. So the people that have been there for us and supported us i will always remember you for that, but sadly i will always remember the people that have hurt us over this too and the unnecessary pain they caused.
Yes! That’s it, exactly! Thank you for sharing <3.
I do feel supported and heard, but only because my voice is loud and I’ve been an advocate for loss awareness for years before my own as a birth doula and educator. I feel the biggest sense of validation here, because all of my friends and loved ones who have lost pregnancies and children either had living children before or after their loss. I wish I could bring more awareness to the ongoing, daily grief. I wish we could erase the words “just a miscarriage”. I wish it wasn’t only loss parents who fully understood it. Sometimes you need to hear out loud that you aren’t crazy for holding and rocking the urn that holds your tiny baby’s ashes. I’ll never stop speaking Helen’s name or talking about my pregnancy with her, because it was real. She was real.
We couldn’t agree more! The language of loss NEEDS to change! A baby is a child, no matter the age. Thank you for speaking loudly about this important topic.
No. I’ve found temporary support here and there…and watched nearly all of them go on to have a baby. And then another. I’ve been stuck so long that my infertile friends and adoption friends are on second babies.
I’m that worst case scenario, the one that should go away and be quiet. The one who lost their babies too early to be real to anyone else, too early to have any happy memories. Just blood and terror and PTSD. The one who has no more faith left that this nightmare will ever end.
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Forever missing Arthur, Bronwyn, and Charlie.
Oh mama, we get it <3. It hurts so much to feel completely left behind. You are not alone.
I have found a strong group of women after my loss, and have relied heavily on the support I found there – they understand when the rest of the world doesn’t. And yet, as one by one they get pregnant, I wonder if we will still be able to continue supporting each other through nervous subsequent pregnancies, infertility treatments, and the possibility of living childless. Will this divergence in our paths fracture our group?
Unfortunately, that seems to be how it goes…lots of support at first, then waning support as the babies come for them and not us. You always have a place here <3.
I do feel supported and heard in my loss groups. I’ve been on this loss journey since the spring of 2009, but I just reached out to others recently. One thing I would change in the community as a whole, is how some people feel that not all losses are equal. I see too often people thinking their loss is inconsequential because it was, say, just a few weeks into the pregnancy. Every loss is just as important as the next.
You’re absolutely right! A person’s a person, no matter how small <3.
I think it depends on the day and the person as if the support is there. I think some people think they are supporting you- by trying to get you to move on with your life- some still avoid you and avoid talking about your loss. I think the main thing that people do not realize is your not the same person you were before. Things can trigger my emotions one day and not the next day. Sometimes I go hour by hour to get through my day- other times I can chug along a few days at a time and then WHAM it hits you.
I feel that what I have to say is not always heard- there are those people that do things to make themselves feel better- not the person who has experienced the loss-
They try to push then they should just stand back and let you come to them.
I think what I could change if I could is people not being so weirded out by loss. It needs to be more vocalized- it happens- more often than people realize..
That’s very true. Some people believe they are “supporting you” when, really, they are making it harder. The best support is always the person who says “take all the time you need”. Thank you for sharing <3
Yes and No. After Addison died I felt a lot of support from my community. As her birth and death date became more distant, that support dissipated. Those who stuck around became known as my “go-to girls”. But more time has passed now and even that list has dwindled. At some point I visited a couple loss groups but I didn’t seem to really connect with any of the moms. I started to feel like the way we lost Addison was a very unusual way to lose a baby which left me feeling somewhat alone also. Through pushing a lawsuit and personal research, I have discovered that the way we lost Addison is truly a very rare scenario. Addison’s death fits in a lot of categories but no other angel baby fills as many categories as she does. It’s strange to be this unique in our loss. In some ways I like the idea of being “not like everybody else” but in others I wish I could find someother mom who could understand each aspect of our loss.
At this point I know I don’t need as much special care as I used to but I also don’t think there could ever be a day where I have heard her name enough. There will always be a part of me that wishes the world could remember her out loud as much as I do inside.
“I don’t think there could ever be a day where I have heard her name enough”… yes!! <3 Addison <3
The loss community is an amazing place; that kept me sane the first year. But I feel very lonely in it; it is full of terms like “rainbow babies and sunshine children; terms that I think are patronizing and offensive. There is chasm between a grieving mom with and without living children. I just can’t related to the difficulties of pregnancy after loss; I can be sympathetic – but in reality that is a dream for me. The first year, I felt supported and like I belonged; now starting year 3 – I was very, very lonely until this site started. Still Mothers is my tribe and has given me much solace.
We feel the same way. There is such a big gap between the community of mothers who go on to have another baby, and those who don’t. It can be so hard to feel accepted. We’re so glad you found us. You always have a place here <3.
I feel supported, but there are times I feel that support slip. People truly do not understand. People think you should be past it and back to normal after 7 months. This has been said even by my family. There is no “normal,” for those of us who have lost children. You find out who your true blue friends are. My coworkers don’t understand, only a handful of them. One was pregnant the same time I was. Her baby was born 3 months after we lost ours. She complains and gripes all the time, but has 3 children. I guess I just feel frustration. I wish that my baby girl was here
You’re so right! People truly do not get it. It’s mind-boggling how they don’t, but it’s true. Thank you for sharing.
I do feel supported and heard. It is very difficult because I will never be a mother to a living child. Hearing about younger and older siblings is hurtful. It is also painful, in the general loss community, to hear of children that were born and lived for many years.
It’s so hard to hear of living children, when you know you’ll never have the chance to raise one of your own. We get it. Thank you for sharing.
Lucky for me I am very very supported. I have a wonderful fiancé, coworkers, and family members. I do worry though that I have pit on too much of a mask that shows that I am alright to those I work with. I go back next week and I don’t think they truly realize how much I hurt. Yes there is a smile on my fave and I laugh a lot but I’m hiding the way I really feel. Only my fiance and family truly know how I feel.
If I could change anything it would just be that I would be for my son to be here with me where he belongs.
If only we could let others see how much we’re really hurting, without the fear of their responses! Best of luck as you return to work. Be extra gentle with yourself!
I have been reading all I can from this site and others linked through it. I’ve been craving an outlet such as this – understanding and true validation of my feelings. So many tears and “yes” “yes” “yes – that is so how I feel” in my reading here. I’m 41 years old, and my opportunity to have a living child of my own has passed. My husband and I are trying to settle into living a life without children. It has been very difficult for me – as I feel trapped in a desire for people to acknowledge my five precious babies – but not offer questions such as “why don’t you adopt?” or suggest “God has a plan”. It has been 10 years since my first losses. I’ve been “stuck” in my grief and anger (and jealousy and “why me’s”) for 6 years. My last loss was in 2009. I’ve stopped living – just going through the motions of life. Due to a back surgery and severe depression and anxiety, I am no longer able to work. My health has not been a priority to me – as my body failed me in the most extreme way. (I know you all get that!). I’m at a fork in the road – its time to make some serious changes – to put the pieces of “me” together again. So many of the articles on this site could have been words from my own heart. Thanks for your voice. I know it will be helpful to me in my quest to begin living again. Love to all you “still Mothers” here.
Thank you so much for your comment! We feel honored to be here to support you and it means so much to know you have found it helpful. We hope you always feel welcome here. This is the place for you <3.