I miss those days when I thought nothing bad could happen to me. The days where I felt as if I were invincible. Every day brought promise and hope. Excitement over the future, and what could happen. Never fearing the future. Speeding down the highway, young and crazy, because “nothing could happen to me”, right? I went outside with my hair wet, and didn’t get a flu shot.
I miss the innocence of thinking “everything will be okay”.
There was once a time when I thought getting pregnant would always have a happy ending. I miss the time in my life when I thought getting pregnant would end with me having a living child to raise. Babies aren’t supposed to die. They are precious miracles and they live, because that’s what’s supposed to happen.
Then life happened. Those unthinkable things actually occur. Yes, bad things really do happen to good people. Innocent children do sometimes die.
My baby died. My beautiful, perfect, precious son died without warning. Even when he stopped breathing that day, my husband handed him to the EMTs, and he knew Micah wasn’t coming back. I still wouldn’t believe it. I took the car seat to the hospital because there was no way Micah wouldn’t be coming back with us. I told Jonathan over and over that everything will be okay. I kept saying, “just pray, just pray, God won’t take our son from us“.
But Micah didn’t come home with us. Micah died.
Everything was not okay. We didn’t have a happy ending. Things didn’t end up “working out”.
In fact, I couldn’t have even imagined such a horrible thing happening. It was the opposite of “okay”. My son is buried and in the ground. He won’t grow up, he won’t ever learn to talk or walk. He won’t experience anything. He’s gone. There’s absolutely nothing okay about that.
When someone experiences such a devastating loss, there’s no going back to the innocent days full of blind hope and faith. There’s no “oh everything will be okay”, “just relax”. No, there’s none of that, because that person knows that sometimes things really aren’t okay. Sometimes, the unimaginable happens. Sometimes when someone gets pregnant, they won’t actually end up with living children, and sometimes the worst thing imaginable is what comes to pass.
Sometimes, innocence is lost. Forever.
Her journey into motherhood (and shortly after into the babyloss community) began when Jamie found out she was pregnant in October 2013. Her only son, Micah Alexander was born on May 3, 2014, and passed away at nine days old on May 12, 2014. Micah died due to the CMV virus, which Jamie contracted at 36 weeks pregnant.
Since Micah’s death, Jamie has been passionate about breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss, and raising awareness of CMV. She found that writing was very therapeutic, and continued her blog - A Real Beautiful Tragedy - chronicling her pregnancy and subsequent loss.
Jamie is currently organizing an international photography project to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss called Releasing the Mask. You can find Jamie’s photography on her website, Jamie Wells Photography, and watch her video to remember baby Micah and raise CMV awareness on YouTube.
- Writing as therapy - September 4, 2015
- Isolation - August 10, 2015
- Letting Yourself Cry - July 10, 2015
This came on the perfect day. Today I am at a work event for developmental disabilities. When I was here last year, we knew we were having complications and that I may be here this year as a parent/participant instead of an exhibitor/presenter. Never did I imagine I’d be here hiding in bathrooms crying for where my reality took us in the past 12 months as our innocence was lost.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Nothing can prepare you for when your child dies. I certainly thought after the complications of my son’s birth that we would be living with a child with severe disabilities, cerebral palsy. I did not expect that he would die. And he did.
I’m glad this article helped you through a tough day. Thanks for sharing <3
I feel one of the worst things that can be said at times is “It will be okay” since when its not- those words just keep replaying over and over in your head. Hugs to you momma!
We agree. Nobody can possibly know what the future holds. Thank you for sharing <3