I didn’t think anything of it when the text message popped up last week. It was from a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a while.
“Hey. I wanted to say thanks for reaching out to me last week.”
While I was on vacation, I drove past a place that reminded me of her. We hadn’t spoken in years. But I thought, well, now I have a reason to get back in touch, however small it seemed. When she didn’t really respond, I figured she was busy with her one-year-old son, and I thought, there’s a conversation I can definitely skip for now.
I don’t want to think about my own sons, who died the day they were born: May 21, 2014. It’s just too close to the first anniversary to engage in mommy talk.
But something told me to reach out again. So I did.
“I missed ya.” I texted her back, expecting just a smiley face or something polite, signifying that we had, indeed, grown apart. It’s okay, I told myself. That happens. We grow up, get married, move to different cities…and some of us have children. It’s so hard not to be bitter about that last part.
“It’s funny, the timing. I was going through a miscarriage. Your text came up on the screen, and I realized, the universe was connecting us for a reason. I was so glad to hear from you. When I did, I knew I was going to be okay.”
We talked for the next hour, comparing experiences – her miscarriage to my sons’ stillbirth – both ending with empty arms, broken hearts and millions of unanswered questions. What do I say to people at work? Should they know? How do I answer when people ask how many children I have? Her mind was swirling just like mine did…and still does. All I ever want to do, even now, almost a year later, is sleep. It’s so exhausting to keep up the charade: “Just me, my husband and some cats!” How could anyone understand the deafening silence in our house?
She didn’t pretend to understand that. But she knew a lot more than most people do. And now, instead of growing apart, we’ve grown closer together.
I guess the universe is funny that way.
Behind this smile is a mama in mourning. Jaime Groth-Searle is the mother of Damon Patrick and Drazan Anthony, twin boys born too soon at 22.5 weeks. She thinks of them every single day, at least once, in between juggling her career in advertising, writing her first novel, running her thrift store blog (thriftstorescore.co), hanging out with her husband and two cats, and generally just trying to fill her life with joy in any way she can.
***this is a guest post. If you are interested in submitting a guest post to Still Mothers, come read the submissions page
- Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020
“How could anyone understand the deafening silence in our house?“ brought the tears, even 13 years after my first of four miscarriages, with no living children. Thank you for putting a voice to our stories.
Thank you, Jaime. My heart is with you.