Let yourself cry. Let it out. Sob until you can’t take it anymore. Allow yourself to break down. Wail. Scream. Punch your pillow. Let it out!
This is my advice for you, to help yourself heal. This is one of the things that has helped in my healing.
A person who hasn’t experienced grief may think that this is the opposite of healing. How can crying, sobbing, and screaming help you feel better? A person who hasn’t experienced grief might tell you to stop crying or to “get your mind off of it;” “Just move past it;” or “don’t think about it”.
Well, I’m a person who has experienced grief (one of the worst kinds, the loss of an innocent newborn child), and I’m telling you to let yourself cry. Don’t worry about what others might think, don’t worry about if you’ll scare your dog. Don’t worry about your eyes getting puffy, or snot getting all over the place. Cry.
I learned early on after Micah died that the longer I tried to hold back the tears, the more they were determined to come. If I held the tears back for too long, I would break down in Target, at work, in my car, or some other random place. I learned very quickly that when I felt the tears pushing their way out of my eyes, I needed to grab some tissues and let them flow for however long it took. There is just no way around it, and if I didn’t, I felt as if I were constantly fighting a battle against myself and my tears. They were always right there, ready to flow out. Sometimes it was actually painful to hold the tears back. My eyes would hurt, my head would hurt. I needed that outlet of crying. It was like a purge that I needed.
At the beginning of my grief journey, sometimes I would cry for hours. Literally hours spent laying in my bed or on the floor. The floor was a favorite place of mine. I’d even get a towel sometimes to wipe my face because I would cry for so long I would run out of tissues. As the weeks and months went on, the times that I needed to cry became less frequent and the duration was shorter. It seemed to get better each and every time I just let myself go with the feelings.
After a year, I still have moments where I have to cry. Nowadays, the cries usually last 5-10 minutes, and then I’m ready to resume my “normal” life. I promise you it does get better. I won’t tell you that it ever gets “easy,” but it will get better. My cries are infrequent now, but I still don’t hold them back. It’s really okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve however you need to. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s healthy to grieve and allow yourself the time and space that you need in order to heal.
Your grief journey is your own. Don’t let anyone tell you what you need to do for yourself, or how you need to act. Embrace your feelings and don’t be ashamed.
Let yourself cry.
Her journey into motherhood (and shortly after into the babyloss community) began when Jamie found out she was pregnant in October 2013. Her only son, Micah Alexander was born on May 3, 2014, and passed away at nine days old on May 12, 2014. Micah died due to the CMV virus, which Jamie contracted at 36 weeks pregnant.
Since Micah’s death, Jamie has been passionate about breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss, and raising awareness of CMV. She found that writing was very therapeutic, and continued her blog - A Real Beautiful Tragedy - chronicling her pregnancy and subsequent loss.
Jamie is currently organizing an international photography project to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss called Releasing the Mask. You can find Jamie’s photography on her website, Jamie Wells Photography, and watch her video to remember baby Micah and raise CMV awareness on YouTube.
- Writing as therapy - September 4, 2015
- Isolation - August 10, 2015
- Letting Yourself Cry - July 10, 2015
Thank you, Jamie, for this and to the community for your honest contributions. I have only just found Still Mothers whilst searching for comfort & peace as we pass an anniversary. It is now 10 years since our first child was born too soon (at 4 months pregnant) and will soon be 5 years since we lost our fourth …and I’m in bits all over again :,-( I am finding it really hard to pick myself up ..again ..and keep thinking that I should be coping better and building a more fulfilling life by now. I’m stuck …remembering all the events of the pregnancies & losses of our little ones and my, unbelievably, ending up childless. I totally agree that we have to allow ourselves to grieve and cry but, right now, I’m struggling to get the balance with getting on with life and to get a handle on myself when my grief gets triggered (especially at inopportune moments) …and it’s exhausting! I’m lucky enough to have some brilliant support from friends & family but i fear I’m putting too much on them so I’m now waiting for some counselling which I hope will help. I wonder if something creative & cathartic might help but can’t quite get myself organised with it …and I don’t really know what else to do (especially this long after the losses). Sorry to ramble …thanks for listening and being there.
Thank you for sharing this. For the first few months I had to let myself cry every day, otherwise I would REALLY break down. I was also worried what it meant when I stopped crying every day. Like by not crying as much I somehow cared less. That’s not it at all, of course. Sometimes we can’t help but think the worst about ourselves.
Very well said. I worried when I started to cry less that it meant I was forgetting her, that somehow my love was once again failing her. We keep her memory alive in so many ways. First I made it through a day without tears and then 2 in a row and so on. But as you said–when they need to come-they still come. Thank you for sharing with us.
It can feel hard to know how to handle it when the tears come less frequently, but the heart knows what we need. Sometimes it’s tears, sometimes it’s not. The best we can do is be open to feeling what we need to in each moment. Thank you for sharing ♡
Thank you for saying this! I feel a lot better, like it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to not cry.
I so needed this today. Just reading the title brought out the much-needed sobs. They continue even now, writing this.
I’m about a month away from my son’s first birthday. Some days I just cannot pretend that it doesn’t hurt.
Oh sweet mama, those tears were needing to come out. We hope they brought a measure of peace. The time leading up to birthdays is rough. Be gentle with yourself and let your emotions do their work. Thinking of you today ♡