We’ve all heard those stupid platitudes:
Just keep trying, It’ll happen when the time is right, Your time will come
Keep your chin up (what does my posture have to do with anything?)
God just needed another angel (then why did he make a baby instead of an angel?)
Miracles happen when you least expect, Don’t give up
For anyone reading this who has used these platitudes, and the thousands like them, I am begging you to please stop. For many of us, these platitudes not only lack comfort, but actually cause us pain. Those thoughtless platitudes that dismiss the reality of my situation (like “it’ll happen when you leave expect it”) are rage inducing enough coming from fertile women. But to receive those saccharine syrupy sweet dismissals of my feelings and reality from those who have experienced infertility and/or loss carries a level of betrayal that is hard to put into words.
Too often women who have struggled to become and stay pregnant will develop what some of my friends and I refer to as “pregnesia”, a state of forgetting everything that pissed you off about pregnant women before you were one. When you are struggling to conceive simple things like a woman incessantly rubbing her bump, giving fertility advice when she doesn’t even know how to spell OPK, or complaining about all her pregnancy symptoms when you have just lost your child are all gut wrenching and aggravating. But with some people, it feels like as soon as they see those two lines on the pregnancy test, they forget all the pain they went through month after month of trying. Or as soon as they see that heartbeat on the ultrasound and start feeling confident in the health of their pregnancy, they forget how much seeing those same types pictures caused them pain just a short time before. I know I am not the only one who has lost friends in real life and online due to pregnesia.
Several of my friends have gone through losses recently and some of the comments they have received, especially from those who have experienced loss themselves, are appalling. Responses like “hearing the news of your loss will make me hug my child extra hard tonight” are nearly unforgivable. Yes, by all means appreciate and hug your children. But don’t say that to someone who no longer has hopes of holding their child. Think before you speak. And I almost forgot the dreaded “it wasn’t meant to be.” How is hearing that your dearly loved child wasn’t meant to be supposed to be comforting? It isn’t. Please strike any variation of the “if it’s meant to be, it will be” platitude from your brains.
I watched another online group for loss mothers nearly implode this past week due to pregnesia. Seriously. A group of loss mothers, some of whom are now pregnant, who thought it unfair that they would not be allowed to discuss their soon to be born children in the same online group as those who may be miscarrying (again) and those who may never conceive that take home baby. How do people so quickly forget the pain that they felt when they didn’t know if they would ever have a living child and how excruciating seeing other people’s baby pictures were to them during that period?
Let’s be real here. It’s your Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, etc. and you can post what you want. Fill your Facebook with ultrasound photos and baby bumps, if you want. But expect me to un-follow you on my news feed. This is an exciting time for you and I understand that; I just choose not to put myself through the pain of having those triggers pop up randomly.
But if you start whining about how long it will take you to get your pre-pregnancy body back (seriously, after fighting for so long to get pregnant?) or voice gender disappointment (what happened to your claims before that you just wanted a healthy take home baby?) where I can see it then you will certainly be un-friended and blocked forever. When I see pregnesia like that, then I am disappointed in myself for ever having been friends with you in the past. If you spout off about what a miracle your child is in the midst of a group of loss mothers and follow with something about how it will be their turn for a miracle soon, then you will most certainly be un-friended and blocked. If miracles really took turns, then my turn for a miracle should have happened a long time ago, thank you very much, and the fact that all my “miracle” babies died is why I no longer believe in miracles.
Thankfully, it is a small percentage of loss mothers who end up childless, like me. I am glad for that. I truly wish no one else had to know this pain. But we are here. And we deserve support and sensitivity just as much as those still struggling to conceive that take home baby.
As I write this, I worry my friends are all wondering if I am talking about them and hope they know I am not singling anyone out. I am grateful that I do have a wonderful group of online friends who understand my need to protect myself and even embrace my occasional (okay, frequent) bouts of bitterness with me. But not everyone is blessed with supportive friends who get it. So, on behalf of my fellow Still Mothers, I put this plea out to those who have struggled for that baby and are now on the other side to please remember what it was like when you were in our situation with empty arms. Don’t give in to pregnesia by blocking out those negative memories but embrace them sometimes so that you can continue to support your friends who have not been as fortunate as you. Spare us the platitudes and sit with us in our grief.
- The Ornament - December 7, 2021
- Hobbies That Turn On Us - December 17, 2019
- The Devil Doesn’t Need More Advocates - December 3, 2019
Thank you so much for speaking the words many of us only think of saying. <3
Thank you! <3
This really spoke to me today. Thank you for putting this into words.
Thank you; I am glad it spoke to you!