By Lindsey S
On March 30, 2009, aged 26, I lost my identity and future. My son Desmond was full term stillborn for no ascertainable reason after a textbook pregnancy, or so the medical report tells me. It took years to get to a point of accepting there would be no ‘why’.
The next few years were spent stressing and influenced by circumstances. After 2 more failed pregnancies, we decided to redefine ourselves instead of allowing ourselves to be defeated. For now that means without children. This was a controversial decision under regular circumstances, let alone for a loss couple quickly approaching 35. Some say it’s selfish, some say selfless, and some say crazy.
We call it ‘right for us’
We chose to get healthy and focus on becoming well rounded adults as individuals and a as a couple – both physically and mentally. We’re trying to think outside of the box and picture a life less ordinary and where it might take us. Remove some of the pressure of having babies and see what applying it in other facets of our life does.
Most days things have been good. I’ve made strides in a challenging job that I never thought I would have. We’ve both greatly improved our overall health and confidence, and I’ve gotten my best friend back in my Husband. For all intents and purposes we are happy. It’s not the storybook ending we dreamed of, and it’s by no means traditional or “normal”- but it’s also not without its joys.
Bottom line: There is no right or wrong way to live after loss. Everyone seems to forget that. When the dust settles, and be patient- it will, remember to listen to yourself. You lived through it. You know what will be best going forward. Be strong and stay true to you.
Lindsay S is mother to Desmond Elias, who was stillborn at full term after a textbook pregnancy. Lindsay was adopted at birth, and developed a bit of a family obsession, which made the feelings surrounding death of her son even more complicated. The grief in the coming months proved near impossible for Lindsay and her husband to handle and they lost themselves, each other, their home, and another baby. Lindsay and her husband eventually found their way back to each other and resumed some semblance of a normal life. Without planning, Lindsay found herself pregnant for a third time, but unfortunately lost the baby early on again.
This is when the shift happened. After some long talks and soul searching they decided to stop trying. Just let it go. Not fully closing the door, but looking around at the other doors in life. Maybe open a window or two.
Lindsay happened upon and joined the Still Mothers community. She hopes she can help others through sharing her story and encourage parents to feel secure enough to stay true to themselves when building their life after loss.
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Thank you for sharing your positive attitude towards living without children. I am failing horribly at accepting that I will never be called mommy, after my husband made the decision that we’re done trying. Will I ever be at peace and content with this? The Bible says that ‘the barren womb’ is one of four things that are never satisfied (Prov 30:16). This is what I feel like at the moment, and I fear living with these feelings for the rest of my life.
The feelings get overwhelming — almost stiffling at times – but they do not last forever.
Things change. People change.
You may not understand today or tomorrow, but eventually God will reveal why you went through everything you did. Keep the faith.
We have also decided not to try for another baby since the loss of our full-term son. We only planned on having one child, so now we are figuring out how to live with our child not being here.
Thank you so much for writing. I often feel like such a black sheep of the loss community.
I share those feelings with you Alison. Not only are we in the loss parents category, we also are in the no living children category. It’s a hard path to walk, but we don’t have to do it alone 🙂
I have been struggling with feeling selfish for continuing to try, when it is burdening our relationship and our finances. I even have some great examples in my family of childless couples who have led very full lives that I am jealous of. But I don’t know if I will ever have the courage to confront and change my idea of what my own family will be, and the importance I assigned to it when I was younger. I imagine it must feel like a weight lifted being able to embrace your current circumstances and put fear of the future in its place.
It does feel like a weight lifted- liberating even – but it was a long struggle to get to that decision. There are still fears – I always question my choice and try to check in with myself every now and then to reaffirm the decision. I’d like to think everyone gets to a point in their healing where they just instinctively know what the next step is. Stay stong how2hope