Editor’s note: Still Mothers and Still Fathers come from all backgrounds, belief-systems, and faiths. We support all families living childless after loss, regardless of personal beliefs. We know there are many paths to healing, and religion can be one. This post shares one of our Still Father’s specific belief system. The opinions shared are his own. Please use your discretion in reading, if religion is a difficult topic for you.
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As a Christian man, raised in a Christian family, there is a perspective of losing a child that seems to go unaddressed. In light of some of the things that are currently going around on the internet regarding megachurch pastor, Joel Osteen, I think that it is somewhat my responsibility as a Christian who has lost a child to address this.
When you are raised in the church or even as a new Christian, the idea of faith becomes a focal point of conversation. There is a mantra and a belief structure that you must have faith in God to provide for all of your needs and that when things are down, you should lean on him in order to get through. Many will point to the book of Matthew and the Sermon on the Mount and how Jesus said not to worry. Losing a child will rock your world and can rock your faith. It can lead to questioning your faith and even questioning if there is a God. I have heard people even say, “How could God allow…” or “I prayed for it and never got the answer.” I have even heard places say that if you have enough faith, things will work out. That implies than that the converse is true, if it doesn’t happen it is due in some way to a lack of faith.
This is simply not true. Unfortunately, we live in a sinful world and bad things do happen. It doesn’t matter how hard we pray or how much faith we have. I believe God does answer all prayers. Sometimes we just don’t like the answer. Sometimes He says no. If God answered all prayers the way we wanted, there would be a lot of lottery winners. No one would get sick. No one would die. This may seem a little tongue in cheek, but it is very much the truth. There are circumstances that are beyond our understanding. There are things that are beyond our control. God didn’t take my baby’s life. I don’t blame Him for that. I do however realize that while I prayed, and my wife prayed, and our families prayed, and multiple churches prayed for our baby to be healed, this was not what happened. I don’t think there was neither a lack of faith nor a lack of effort. What I think is sin exists. Bad things do happen because of that. We didn’t get the answer we wanted. I don’t know why. I don’t think there is an explanation that will necessarily make me feel “better.” I don’t want to hear it was for a reason or that things are for the best. But I also want to point out that it isn’t a fault in my faith. It wasn’t because we were scared or sad or unfaithful. It wasn’t because of me or my wife or my family or friends. It wasn’t because God wasn’t listening or wasn’t there. I don’t know the cause but I know what the reason wasn’t.
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: The Big Question - October 19, 2015
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: Making Your Return - September 18, 2015
- Family Life After Loss - August 31, 2015
Sometimes you read a person’s journey and the hair on your arm stands up.
Firstly, thank you for sharing Jason an inspiration to others to #breakthesilence. I came from a family that are Roman Catholics, when my first baby was lost to miscarriage. It was never discussed, I thought if there was one place I could turn to it would be the man I prayed to so many times. No – the looks were of pity.
But, its gods way I remember hearing. How can a man who is so caring, loving, allow this. As the years went by, tragedy felt like my middle name, my daughter taken next then my last babies miscarried in 2012. I actually believed we were on hell. A mum to 7 angels surley he gated me upstairs, for so many years, me and my god had so many disagreements. Yet, this year my niece gave birth to my great nephew and asked me to be God Mother.
As soon as I went to church to see my priest, before I said Yes I needed to know he would not hurt something I loved again.
The truth is, it was easy to blame him. He could not challenge me, it was easier to learn to hide the feeling of betrayal I felt. But, I knew if I said yes it had to be because I believed. It was not an easy journey, during batispm meetings. I questioned to my poor niece horror, but what I was doing was reassuring myself it was okay to follow my belief and heart. No one has the answers as you say, I’m not looking for them anymore. I’ve learnt alot more about me, what me and god had many years ago – its given me strength and also shown me the person I’ve come today.
If this was discussed openly, if my strength had been stronger I don’t know.
but, what I do know is on the 16th August 2015 at 12.30pm I shall be holding my great nephew as he is welcomed into the church. I will be swearing to uphold goodness and god into his life. For, some it’s a party for me its brought me back to where purity began in my nans church. Bobby will be blessed and I have returned to faith to help me realise a) I’m not alone b) my babies and daughter did not die because me or god played a role. It’s life, yes medically people have answers.
But, within 6 weeks I’ve found answers. Answer’s why I walked away, yet no questions asked why I’m back. Just, like a friend who you have not seen for years, I’ve been welcomed with open arms.
Thank you for sharing – Luanne Rimmer
First let me say that I am sorry for your loss. I am glad that what I wrote was able to resonate with you. I appreciate your kind words and thank you for sharing your story.