We all know that the death of a child is hard. There’s no question about that. The thought of a baby dying is one of the most tragic things imaginable, one of the most tragic things that can happen to happen to a person, no matter which way it’s spun. “I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you”, “I’m so sorry”, or “How awful”. Those are just a few things that people will say to you if you’ve lost a child.
You’ll get sympathy, but will you get support? People may mean well, but ultimately, I’ve felt alone and isolated. Most people don’t acknowledge that I’ve had a baby. My pregnancy is all but lost, because you can’t talk about my pregnancy without leading to the child that is no more. My birth story? It’s as if it didn’t happen at all. I can’t share my story and talk to other moms about my experiences in pregnancy or child birth.
People can’t deal with you or your loss because it’s too hard for them. It’s an ugly reality that they don’t want to see or think about. They don’t know what to say, because it’s such a taboo subject, and it’s just not talked about. Other moms don’t want to rub the fact that they have healthy children in your face, so they don’t talk to you. You can’t give pregnancy advice, because who wants advice from someone who failed?
Where do I fit? I’m not childless by choice. I had a c-section so my body isn’t the same as it was. I can’t discuss c-sections with anyone because ultimately it leads to “well my son/daughter was so worth it”, referring to the recovery or the scar. Well, I didn’t end up with my son, and I will have a scar. I had to go through that recovery process without a living child.
Losing a child is more isolating than you can imagine. Friends are having children and going to birthday parties together. Weddings, baby showers, church events. Pools, and playdates. You may or may not be invited, but regardless, you won’t fit in. Younger women are thinking about getting pregnant, most older women have children.
As Still Mothers, where do we fit?
At times, it can feel like there is no place to belong.
Losing a child is lonely and isolating. Losing your only child is even more so. But you are not alone! We are here to support you at Still Mothers, because you fit with us. Join our community, we understand the very hard path of living childless after loss. We want to hear your birth stories, your hopes and dreams, and all the things you feel unwelcome to say to others. This is your place to belong.
Her journey into motherhood (and shortly after into the babyloss community) began when Jamie found out she was pregnant in October 2013. Her only son, Micah Alexander was born on May 3, 2014, and passed away at nine days old on May 12, 2014. Micah died due to the CMV virus, which Jamie contracted at 36 weeks pregnant.
Since Micah’s death, Jamie has been passionate about breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss, and raising awareness of CMV. She found that writing was very therapeutic, and continued her blog - A Real Beautiful Tragedy - chronicling her pregnancy and subsequent loss.
Jamie is currently organizing an international photography project to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss called Releasing the Mask. You can find Jamie’s photography on her website, Jamie Wells Photography, and watch her video to remember baby Micah and raise CMV awareness on YouTube.
- Writing as therapy - September 4, 2015
- Isolation - August 10, 2015
- Letting Yourself Cry - July 10, 2015
I really appreciated this post. The isolation factor is so real to me. I just don’t feel like I fit in with so many people. For example, at church nearly everyone has at least one kid while many couples have 2, 3, 4 or more. Then there are all the couples who are excitedly expecting children. I know they don’t look at me and think I don’t belong, but I just feel outside of the mother club. I am a mother, but my daughter is gone.
So often when I mention my son, the conversation just stops. I truly appreciate the people who let me join in conversations about pregnancy and parenting, when I am feeling up to it.
You can always talk about your son here <3