Editors Note: This post is about the false hope of pregnancy after loss. Ideas about pregnancy after loss are discussed by a mother with no living children. Please use caution when reading, if this is a hard topic for you. We understand that many Still Mothers are not able to even consider pregnancy again, and our hearts are with them.
Every woman I know remembers the moment a possible pregnancy hits them. Whatever the circumstances, excitement, fear, and uncertainty about what the future holds usually washes over in in a matter of seconds. In my case, I cry. I’ve never been a crier until the past couple years. Perhaps I’ve just discovered real reasons to cry, and now it falls out of me over minor things, like a TV commercial. So it seems like a given, the moment last month I realized my birth control was no longer in place, I cried.
I panicked! The entire reason we’ve chosen the options we did was because our hearts simply cannot handle the chance of another loss. The best way to avoid another funereal for my child was to stop myself from having another all together. We simply were not ready. Still, in my hand laid my IUD placed just 3 weeks prior. In my head I was trying to calculate where I was in my cycle, when I probably ovulated, what were the chances. I get out my apps and charts and see that my guessing is right: I very well could be pregnant.
Ironically, before I knew, I was basically having unprotected sex all month. Then, I noticed I couldn’t tolerate the smell of raw meat hitting a hot pan. My appetite was down to one small meal a day, and everything made me dry heave. I thought to myself, man, this seems familiar. If I wasn’t on birth control I would have thought I was pregnant. I had so many symptoms I was convinced. Convinced enough to spend a small fortune in pregnancy tests. Convinced enough to cut out alcohol and sushi. Convinced enough to turn down anything on vacation that could possibly threaten my hypothetical embryo.
Still, for the life of me, I could not get a test to come up positive. I called my doctor, I bought every single brand of test I could get my hands on, and I tested daily. Every one was a big fat negative, laughing in my face. Still, I went to the internet to find other women who also were pregnant but couldn’t get a test to prove it. Countless stories of what seemed impossible stared back at me but, it was still totally possible so I started getting attached to the idea. Finally, it’s our turn to be pregnant again. Finally we get to join in on the celebrations and give people the answer they’ve wanted for years now… yes, we’re having another baby. Finally I get to join in on the mommy talk and not get sideways looks and somber stares. Finally I get another chance to be the mom I’ve always dreamed I’d be. I was planning the big announcement in my head, all the sweet ways to tell my parents. For the first time in a very long time, I had hope even in the face of adversity. This was really it, we finally got another shot.
I was wrong.
The day my period finally came, a whopping two weeks late, it was accompanied by pains I forgot existed. Not only was my body rioting at it’s emptiness, my heart fell through me like it was made of cement. I found myself doing crazy things like staring at this blood in disbelief, looking for any sign that this wasn’t just a period. What kind of person have I become that I would be hoping for a sign of miscarriage? Was I really so afraid to admit I didn’t know my body like I thought I did? Was it really all in my head, did I give myself symptoms? How can this be?
But it was, I was just as barren now as before. I can’t even get pregnant accidentally it seemed, which comes so easily to everyone around me. What a sick joke! I wasn’t ready for this so why am I so disappointed? Why does it break my heart to throw the vitamins away, how can I feel this way about a baby that never even existed? Am I really grieving an idea?
I was. I still am.
I realized though this pregnancy scare that not only am I never going to be ready to have another baby, it also didn’t matter. Readiness or not, I was protecting and nurturing my baby before I could even prove it’s existence. I was more than happy to sacrifice my own novelties for a whisper of a baby. I was eager to step up and be the Mom, not just a mother to my angels. I was reminded how badly I wanted it, the desire for a child I get to keep was reawakened from the inside out, and it burned in me like never before.
I got my hopes up, that might be the biggest let down of all. I opened my heart back up just for it to get smashed. Perhaps I will have a living child someday, but it’s becoming very obvious to me that there’s a chance it’ll never happen, or it could end like all the others. I could forever be a Still Mother, I just am trying to find my peace with that.
To learn more about Jessica or inquire about free photography and retouching services, reach out to: https://www.facebook.com/armyaddisonquinn
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