When you lose your baby, one of the hardest unforeseen difficulties is life after the loss. You know that deep down your life will be different and you know that things will change, but what you don’t think about right away is how it will change your relationships.
At least, I never really considered it.
The thing is that the relationships do change. But it’s not just your friends, things change with family too. This is what makes it more difficult. How do you handle this? The people around you, the family around you goes on living while you feel like your life has ended. You have gone through the worst thing you possibly could have gone through and yet these people want to celebrate and have lives and get married and all these wonderful things while you are hurting. It can feel like the world has left you behind.
But what can you do? Do you get angry? Do you get sad? Do you just pretend to move on and deal with it?
I know there is no excusing the way the people around you act and that there are a lot of people who will not be considerate of your situation. That is not okay. However I also think you realize at some point that many of the people around you are just going to move on. They won’t forget, but it is not going to be the forefront of their existence. This circumstance that is all consuming for you is not going to continue to consume them the same way. There is no changing that and there is no fixing it. It can however be lessened.
In order to do that, first we have to not be afraid to express how we feel. It is okay to skip events you would normally attend, or attend them but leave early. When asked, it is okay to let them know that you just don’t feel up to it. It is important as well to let your family know that it is okay to talk about your baby. Sometimes family members will avoid the topic in order to spare you harm. The problem with this is that we think they have forgotten about our baby. They think they are helping us. Neither view point is right.
Trust me, I understand how difficult spending time with family can be and how hard particular holidays and events are. Let me tell you a little bit of our story. We happen to be very fortunate at this point that there are no young children or babies in the family. We did however lose our daughter on December 23rd. We came home from the hospital Christmas Day. This was not an optimal day to come home and we should have waited, but we didn’t. That being said we are now faced with every Christmas being a very difficult day for us. So now we have to set boundaries and figure out how we will spend our holiday.
At the end of the day, this will never be easy. It will not be easy to be around children sometimes as you will have longings for particular moments or experiences. It will not be easy to celebrate or find joy during certain occasions. It will never be pain free. This is something that we will continue to face. Realize though, that you must not allow yourself to feel guilty or feel obligated to do something that you do not want to do. Your life is different now and it is okay to consider yourself and your feelings. Do what you feel is best for you and protect yourself against any unnecessary stress, pain, or hardship. If approached correctly, your family will come to understand.
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: The Big Question - October 19, 2015
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: Making Your Return - September 18, 2015
- Family Life After Loss - August 31, 2015
I feel like I could have written this… My son was due the day before Christmas and the holidays will never be the same ?
Thank you for the advice.