A Little Piece of the Old Me

by Lindsay S

Looking back over the years, I find there are different aspects surrounding my loss that grab my attention. More recently I see my dog Evelyn in a new light. She’s a sassy little terrier with a heart of gold who at the age of one went through the loss with me.

Once we knew we were expecting, our puppy did immediately, as well. She was extra cuddly, wouldn’t leave my side, and also kept an ear near the belly whenever she could. Of course when we arrived home from the hospital she inevitably noticed what the obvious- no tummy/baby and some heavy emotions. For most of the earlier grieving days she literally kept me going by me having to keep her going. My husband and I had separated and having her around eased some of the pain by taking my focus off what I no longer had and reminded me of what I did; in that moment – her. My constant companion. My best friend.

If I think back enough every time I cried she faithfully sat by me. Leaned in with her head hanging in my sorrow. On the days I felt like I had no purpose being here without my son, there she was patiently waiting by the door wagging her tail to gently remind me she needs walking. For at least 3 months that was the only reason I even put clothes on. Our walks became our daily therapy sessions. Some days we would only make it to the end of the street before my PTSD would trigger and leave me in a puddle of tears by a fire hydrant. Others, we would get around the whole block with no triggers – being able to go longer and longer each time. We built on this and eventually got back to the dog park, or down to the lagoon. I got some sense of normal back to my days by just being a normal dog owner.

To this day, six years later, her daily care is an intricate part of my life that still grounds me – it’s the base of my foundation. I pride myself on taking the best care I possibly can of her. I sometimes feel as if I don’t honour her enough although to most I’m sure I’m a crazy dog lady. My take is this: Outside of my husband, she is the only other being who has walked the path of loss with me – literally by my side. Without her I would have lost myself completely. Because of her I got to keep a little piece of the old me.

Lindsay S is mother to Desmond Elias, who was stillborn at full term after a textbook pregnancy. Lindsay was adopted at birth, and developed a bit of a family obsession, which made the feelings surrounding death of her son even more complicated. The grief in the coming months proved near impossible for Lindsay and her husband to handle and they lost themselves, each other, their home, and another baby. Lindsay and her husband eventually found their way back to each other and resumed some semblance of a normal life. Without planning, Lindsay found herself pregnant for a third time, but unfortunately lost the baby early on again.

This is when the shift happened. After some long talks and soul searching they decided to stop trying. Just let it go. Not fully closing the door, but looking around at the other doors in life. Maybe open a window or two.

Lindsay happened upon and joined the Still Mothers community. She hopes she can help others through sharing her story and encourage parents to feel secure enough to stay true to themselves when building their life after loss.

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