“I don’t get why you can’t be happy for others. I just don’t get it. Why do you have to make it about you ? Life goes on.”
I’m so tired of needing to raise awareness, to explain, to educate. To teach, even though I’m a teacher. But it seems I always end up needing to when comments like that come up.
We are angel moms. Sometimes we can’t be happy for you. For this great big thing happening in your life. Sometimes we can’t rejoice with you. If we open our hearts to say this wedding is making me sick, or this pregnancy is making me sad, it doesn’t mean we are mean or bad.
It means we are broken.
Yes, we understand your life goes on. Trust me, it’s painful enough to watch. But to us it feels so WRONG. Like a clock going backward. Because it was not supposed to be this way. A family reunion without our child. Everyone celebrating and not even seeing this huge hole. The hole there is and will always be in this family. One name unspoken. A new child being born, who should have been the second, will now be the first. A new name, spoken this time. A new life.
I’m not sorry I’m not happy for you. A starving man shouldn’t apologize for being hungry. Bereaved parents shouldn’t apologize for being sad. I’m not sorry I’m not happy for you, but I’m sorry I’m not happy. For me. I’m sorry my kid isn’t throwing flowers. I’m sorry my kid will never play with yours. I’m plenty sorry.
And I’m sorry I have to explain this to you. I’m sorry we live in a world that just doesn’t get childloss. I’m sorry the lucky are so hard on the broken. I’m sorry we’re seen as dark and selfish, when really, we’re doing such an amazing job as surviving. I’m sorry people are judging when they should be gentle. I’m sorry they forget so fast. I’m sorry our daily life is already so hard, and then there’s those special events who make it unbearable.
Our child died. You know, I don’t wish the same thing happen to you. But sometimes I kinda do. Just for one day and one night. Just so you know what it’s like. Just so I don’t have to hear the same bullshit all the time. Just so you understand.
Because for us it’s not a nightmare. It doesn’t stop when we wake up. It’s everyday. It’s forever. Our child died, and whatever we’re feeling, that’s okay. You should tell me that, but you don’t. So I’m telling it to myself. And I I’m telling my soul sisters.
That’s okay.
- Love After Loss – Part II - February 10, 2017
- Love After Loss – Part I - February 8, 2017
- Sorry Not Sorry - January 23, 2017
Hello Chloe,
I came across your blog through the LEEM website.
Before reading your blog and articles, I was oblivious to ATRT. Before reading your blog and articles, I would not have known how to react if I were to cross path with someone who lost their child.
So for all of this – thank you.
I do not have a child / children myself so I can’t begin to fathom what it is like to go through this.
I hope you know that, even to a total stranger, your love for your daughter and dedication to her shine through your every word. I’m not sure what my point is – maybe to tell you that I keep Soley in my thoughts (I don’t pray either).
Big hugs,
Camille
Dear Camille – first of all thank YOU for your comment. It makes such a difference to know i’m raising awareness about ATRT and child loss. And it’s so important to know others are keeping Soley in their hearts. So again – thank you !
I had no idea my blog was still on the LEEM website, since i participated last year and i didn’t even win. The whole event was kind of hard on me, to be honest. I felt like a failure. But at least it brought you to me, so there was a point in it in the end.
ps. i’m assuming your french ?? but was not sure so i wrote in english !
I’m so sorry for you loss. Thank you for this. This echoes exactly how I feel but didn’t know how to express it. I was trying to explain this to my husband last night and let him know I’m sad that no one we know has experienced this, not bc I want them to experience a loss of a child but bc I want them to know how I feel , and he didn’t get it. He thought I wanted them to lose a child! Our baby boy Noah was born still on June 30 2015 and it has been so difficult seeing babies everywhere . On top of that a few of my friends are pregnant and I cannot bring myself to even talk to them. One of them has even asked if I could plan her shower. I’m so glad I found this site. Thank you again.
I totally understand mama. Of course we don’t wish for any child to die ! We just feel lonely and isolated. It is so hard to see friends pregnant, especially as you lost your sweet boy so recently. Be gentle with yourself, you need to protect your heart. A baby shower might be very hard to attend. Sending love to you and Noah <3
People who have never been there.. will never go there.. they will never understand the depth of pain will get to carry with us for the rest of our living days. No person who has raised a child will know how it feels to see friends and family with their kids, going on vacation.. having birthday parties. They will never understand the sadness we hold. None of them will ever know how it feels.. ever!
I think you’re right mama – they will never truly, deeply understand. We have to live with them though, and i think it would be helpful if they could just have a clue… that’s what i try to explain.
I love the name Angel Moms, and I am so sorry for your loss. As an Angel Grandma, I can also relate to this oh so well. I am blessed to have a daughter-in-law who knows she can call me any time she breaks down, and I know she holds in so much more than she ever has the heart to share. She knows she can call to rant about “someone’s question”, and about “having to make other people feel better after she tells them about her son”.
It’s been 4 years since we lost our sweet Kaleb, and not a day goes by…as you all know well how that goes. This year has been my first in even attempting to truly be happy for others who are having babies, and it is a real challenge some days. Loving and living vicariously through friends who are becoming grandmothers is hard for me. Hiding in a corner near a door so I can escape when the tears come at baby showers for cousins, friends and co-workers… I’m sure they don’t understand, but for now, I have to take these baby steps until my heart lets my love push through the hurt.
To all of you Angel Moms out there, please know that there are more of you than you will ever realize. No one can ever replace your Precious Angel, and people are ill-equipped to know how to talk to you about your baby, but they do mean well. In their heart of hearts, they are trying to imagine how they would cope and just don’t know what to say…but they can’t imagine…no one can. You are always a Mom, and there is always someone who is also thinking of your loss with you – even if they don’t say something to you. Give those you love permission to talk about your baby, and you may be amazed at how much control it gives you back when you can talk about your child with someone else.
I will keep you all in prayer, and my hope is for you to embrace being an Angel Mom with all your love <3
Thank you for your words <3 i'm so sorry for the loss of your grand son, it sounds like he has a wonderful and loving grandma.
Im so sorry about the loss of your baby (although i know it doesnt help). Thank you so much for writing this. This explains exactly how I feel but can never put into words. I guess as much as it hurts and the struggle I feel isn’t something I’d wish on anyone I’m glad I’m not alone and not the only that that feels anger I try not to feel. I normally don’t comment on posts i like but this spoke to me. Thanks for this.
Dear Nadia, thank you for taking the time to comment. You’re definitely not the one to feel anger – i’m VERY angry ! And bitter. And jealous. And a lot more. Grief isn’t pretty at all, but i guess we have to allow ourselves to feel what we feel. Big hugs mama.
I absolutely love this post. You are the first person Who has told me it’s ok besides my friends who are pregnant. Two of them. And they said it’s ok if I’m not happy and it’s okay that I’m mad. And I love them for it.
Thank you for your comment Ronda. I’m so glad to hear you have two supportive friends – those are a treasure. I send you love mama.
Dear Chloe,
I am sorry, so terribly sorry to read about your fate. I know how you feel, I know it so well. I could not comment on your own blog, but when I saw your sweet daughters picture I was shocked,as I had the impression to see my son. He died of an ATRT, too, just 2 months ago. They look so similar in some of the pictures. He did not even have 6 short months on this earth, he was diagnosed with it in July, 5 months old, and died on August the 13th despite all efforts. We are heartbroken and I am desperate to read that you fought for so long but lost in the end, after all your struggles. And thank you so much for your article, this is so true. Shortly after my son died a friend of mine had her wedding and I felt so mean as I could not be happy for her. I did not even manage to say my congrats. I felt like everybody around me should just stop being happy and suffer with me. I would love to get happy again, but I am struggling so hard with people around me getting pregnant. Now their children are the first in my circle of friends, not mine, and this is so terribly hard.
My heart goes out to you and even though we never met and most possibly never will, I am sure that our children share a special place in heaven.
Oh mama, thank you so much for your comment. I’m heartbroken to hear about your baby boy. What was his name ? We have a Facebook group called ATRT angels, if you feel like you need the support. And don’t worry about your friends wedding – Soley died 16 months ago and i struggled with my own brother’s wedding. Big, big hugs.
Thank you for your kind words and your sympathy. His name was Mika and as your daughter he was a pretty little guy. Thank you for telling me about the group. I have always been looking for other parents who lost their children to this or who are still fighting. But it is so rare that we are hard to find. I cried so hard when I saw your pictures. They remind me so much of him. It is not fair that they were taken from us this early.
Thank you so much for writing this. It speaks the truth and to this day I still can’t relay what you wrote to anyone…not my husband, sister or mother. We lost our twin girls, Shae and Lucia July 6, 2013. I went into pre-term labor at 22 weeks, caught an infection and after other life threatening complications later I gave birth to my baby girls…Shae was still born and Lucia was alive for an hour.
We’ve been through 5 years of fertility treatment and we conceived during the second round of IVF. Last year we tried again but it failed.
Till this day I do not go to baby showers.
I am a atheist too and find it hard to seek happiness and peace. It hasn’t got easier..will this pain ever end
Dear mama, i’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girls Shae and Lucia. What beautiful names, and i’m sure beautiful daughters. I don’t know if this pain will ever end… Soley died in June 2014, so in that way you are my big sister in grief. As atheists i can’t rely on the hope to see my daughter again, but maybe we can’t find hope in the love we shared with our daughters and the love that survive them. Sending you healing thoughts.
I just want you to know that people care. I care about your pain. I care about Soley. I care about Shae and Lucia and their mom, SLC. I am christian. You are atheist. I can still hate that this happened to you and send love and healing thoughts your way. Of course you can’t be happy for other people – your heart is broken. It’s like expecting someone to run on a broken leg. I’m sorry some people are indifferent to your pain.
Thank you for sharing those kind words Jamie <3
Chloë, thank you so much for writing this. It is one of the most powerful, spot-on discussions of what it’s like to be a babyloss mama surrounded by people who don’t even try to get it.
I replied to Mylinda’s comment above with some of my story. I’ve been living this for 20 years.
I will share your post on social media, but I suspect that, like other attempts I’ve made to educate the “civilians”, it will be ignored. Despite my pain and brokenness, I have tried for years to be a voice, an advocate for mothers like us. Sometimes there is recognition, a little chink in the “don’t get it/don’t want to” wall. Sometimes disapproval (aren’t you OVER that yet?). Mostly silence. So I back off for awhile, then when my stories build up so that I feel like screaming, I write/link/post something else.
And I don’t want to alienate the religious people who post here, but I felt a huge sense of relief and connection to learn that you are not a believer. I am an ex-Christian, now atheist, which makes it even more difficult to find support. Even when people don’t believe in God, they still have feelings and a need for community.
Dear mama, i’m so sorry for your losses and the feedback you got from “civilians” as you said – i find that word very appropriate, as it feels like we’ve been through war. I totally agree on us atheists still needing the support. I will carry you in my heart. Big hugs mama <3
Thank goodness for this site and for all of you who understand this surreal and unspeakable existence! I sort of stumbled here last week during an emotional breakdown on what would have been my daughter’s 19th birthday. Five months after enduring successful in vitro fertilization in 1996, I was told there was no longer a heartbeat and they removed her after two more days of some procedures I barely recall. The first and last time I glimpsed her was on the ultrasound as she was curled up with her little back toward me. I never even got to see her little face. That image is seared into my mind. Although I was able to get pregnant two more times, each lasted only weeks and now, at nearly 57 years old, I have no living children and feel that no matter what activity I’m engaged in, it’s merely a way to make time pass faster. It will truly be a wonderful mercy for this pain to end. Reading your stories makes me feel like a mother hen – I want to gather you all up and put you under my protective feathers – away from those oblivious people and cruel realities that relentlessly besiege only us. I wish peace for myself and peace for all of you as I sit here tonight with tears running down my face.
I also just stumbled onto this website. I haven’t had time yet – or the emotional energy – to fully explore the site, but it looks like it may be a safe place of support for me.
So I don’t know how many other mothers here are your age, but I am. I lost several babies between 1996 and 2005. Different, unrelated reasons. No living children. My premature daughter would have been 18 this year.
The persistent lack of support and awareness just breaks my heart. Almost as much as the losses themselves.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. I understand how, years and years later, memories still can be so painfully intense.
I hope that I will have the strength to come back here for connection and support.
Oh, pghwelshgirl! Thank you so much for finding this site and speaking up to tell me I’ve not been suffering and struggling alone for years and years. Sadly, it’s at least a small comfort to know we’re not all alone. The isolation one feels is absolutely overwhelming and, at times, literally debilitating. (have been feeling extraordinarily bleak the past 2 weeks or so). I do feel somewhat guilty knowing that women who’ve been Stillmothers for less time than we have will read these words and further despair to realize that even after all these years, I personally have not healed and, frankly, no longer have that hope or expectation. I would love to tell them that a time will come when the pain eases but it hasn’t for many of us. Please know I’m thinking of you and all the other Stillmothers, whether they know I’m here or not. The only thing left to do is seek distractions where/when possible. Feelings of joy and looking forward to the future is not a part of my life now.
Dear Mylinda. I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet daughter (did you named her ?) I totally relate to what you said – i’m 16 months into the loss of my own daughter and honestly i can’t imagine going on for 16 more years. I wish peace for you too mama. Big hugs.
Gloey, Thank you, my dear mama, for responding with such kindness and understanding. I have not found it anywhere but here, with all of you. For many days I’ve been pondering your question to me (“did you name her?”) and have realized that perhaps finally choosing her name might help me resolve at least some tiny part of this perpetual pain. At the time, I was considering two names and never did end up choosing either. My mind has been stuck in a loop for all these years, continually moving back and forth, never making a decision. Perhaps I was holding back in the hope I would be fortunate enough to give one of the names to a future daughter. Not entirely sure. Knowing that will never happen, it seems I would do well to decide. So, yes, my daughter’s name is “Isabella Simone”. Her last name would have been “Brown” and I thought “Isabella Brown” sounded rather sassy and memorable. To all of you Mamas, thank you for helping me name my daughter. Wish I could hug you all.
I’m so very proud of you for naming her Mylinda – Isabella Simone – what a beautiful name !
Chloe I am so glad you took the time to explain this to people to try and get them just to comprehend this at least a little and respect the fact that we did lose our sweet angels. Macie my daughter was born on June 21st 2015 and past away on June 26th 2015 she was born at 25 weeks and 6 days she weighed 1lb and 12oz she was beautiful and she fought like hell. My heart breaks everyday as I know yours does. I saw a girl I worked with after losing Macie, this girl was also pregnant which killed me alone but instead of her saying something intelligent all she did was talked about herself and asked when I was coming back to work it killed me seeing her pregnant mind you she was very upset when she found out she was pregnant and was constantly talking about how unhappy she was about it, I was kind to her even though she hurt me and I asked her if she new what she was having she told me it was also a girl. I did she’d a tear in front of her but when I turned and began walking away I balled my eyes out for she had been so selfish and unkind and I was so nice and I was the one hurting not her.
Dear Katie, i’m so sorry for the loss of your Macie. Concerning your co-worker… i’m so sorry too, but i can’t say i’m surprised. Most of my co-workers have been indifferent, some downright mean. The work place is such a difficult place to handle. Big kisses mama.
Thank you for writing this! I never imagined having to go through this experience, especially not twice within my first year of marriage, but here I am. It sucks having to explain your feelings, which are completely valid and justified, to people. Instead of just getting to grieve and feel whatever it is you feel, something that would be completely understandable for someone who lost a spouse, sibling, or child that was “born”, you have to defend your feelings and your actions to others. It’s great to know that I’m not alone! Sending you prayers and hugs.
Dear Michelle, i know exactly what you mean about having to justify your feelings. For a very long time, and even now, i feel like i was grieving “wrong”. We need to accept that however we deal with the loss of our babies is right ! I’m so sorry that you had to suffer this twice. I send you a lot of love mama.
I am happy for others because no matter how much I dislike or hate a person I never would wish this horrendous pain on another. I am happy that others never have to pay the membership fee we have paid to be in a “club” that we never wanted to be in. A club with the most expensive entrance fee one can imagine ….. The DEATH of a child. I am happy that others do not have to experience a society that thinks we should get over our pain and on with life. So as a bereaved mother, I will be happy when others speak of my daughter, acknowledge me on Mother’s Day as a mother of four not three, hold my hand on the anniversaries that I remember like her due date, her birth and her death. I will be happy when others recognize the uniqueness of our pain and help bring these babies and losses to the forfront so we too can talk about our babies with out worrying that I may make others uncomfortable or awkward. I am a bereaved mother and I will not apologize for how I feel…. If you do not understand or agree with me, look at your precious children and pick which one you would not miss!
Thanks for your input Danita <3
Wow! I couldn’t have said it better! Thank you so much! I could read this over and over! Big hugs! xoxo
Thank you Mandy for taking the time to leave a comment, it means a lot to me that you can relate to this. Big big hugs to you too
Thank you very much for this message. It’s nice to know I’m not some horrid person for having these thoughts. When my baby lay in the nicu, I couldn’t bear to see people with their babies. Going to the mall was really bad – never noticed so many babies before now! I couldn’t go to the mall without crying. I’m getting better now though; able to see another baby without thinking of my angel son. Thank you for sharing
You are definitely not an horrid person mama ! I’m glad to know you are getting better <3
I can’t be happy for moms of twins, no matter if it’s my best friend or worst enemy, I don’t know if that will ever change, there’s a lady that has a girl in my daughter’s class that walks her twins and daughter to school everyday.She’s tried making conversation with me but I can’t even look her in the eyes. I can’t even peak in the stroller to look at her sweet babies. She tends to show up later to drop her daughter off a little closer to class time so I make sure to get there super early and drop my girls off so I can get out of there just so I don’t see them because I break down every time. Is that horrible or what?! We lost our daughter’s twin due to TTTS, a bad heart and weak lungs at 1 day old due to her being premature her body couldn’t make it. She passed June 22, 2013 and I don’t know if this will ever get “easier”.
The fact you can’t be happy for moms of twins is NOT horrible, Jessica. Your sweet daughter was taken from you – THAT is what’s horrible. Big big hugs mama.
Thank you! It gives console to know we’re not alone in our feelings and emotions.
Thank you Tina, i too find comfort in knowing many of my soul sisters are sharing those feelings.
I always feel so guilty when I’m not happy for others. All I can think about was how much I wanted it to be me.
Dear Sarah, at least now you know you’re not the only one feeling this way.
Thank you for these words. <3 love you sister
As i love you, my soul sister <3
I gave birth to a stillborn a year ago today. You said it perfectly!
Thank you Jess. Sending you lots of strength to survive this first anniversary.
I’m so so sorry. Losing a child is the worst thing ever. I’m still trying to deal with it. I lost my Abraham this past March. My happy day for a schd section turned into the worst day ever. I look at your baby and I am holding back tears .I want to cry for you with you. Such a beautiful baby. Big hugs and prayers to you
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Abraham, dear Yvette. March is so very recent – Soley died over 15 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. I don’t pray, but i will be thinking of you and keeping you in my heart. Big hugs.
Hi Chloë,
I am so sorry for the loss of Soley… I know how much it hurts…
But I want to thank you for your text… I have these thoughts very often and I am so hard to myself…
Thank you for telling me that’s OK! A soul sister from Brazil has heard you!
My love to you,
Roberta
Dear Roberta, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m so thankful for our community of soul sisters all over the world. And please don’t be too hard on yourself – i swear, it’s OK.
Sending love from France, all the way to you.
I want to send this to everyone. I am so tired of trying to say it. Thank you!
It’s exhausting, right ? Big big hugs mama
Wow. You truly nailed that one. We have had multiple pregnancy losses. Holidays suck. Family get togethers suck. More than anything, Mother’s day and Father’s day suck… especially when people seem to forget that we are parents. Even more so when our families forget that we are parents.
Your Soley is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to join this club of angel parents.
Thank you so much for your comment, K.H. Yours was the first comment on my first post ever and i’m so glad for it. I’m sorry about your losses and i agree – holiday suck, family reunion suck, oh and don’t even get me started on mother’s day !
Big hugs mama
Mother’s day is the worst!! My husband isn’t one to really open up on his feelings, but this year, he did mention how much it hurts when his family doesn’t say anything to him. I’m sure it’s because they’re afraid to or they’re afraid it’ll make us sad. Of course thinking about our angel babies makes us sad, but knowing that our families (especially our parents) remember and love their grand babies (including our angel ones because we are the only ones without living children)… it helps. It helps to know that they care just as much as we do about our kids. But when they say nothing… it makes us feel like we are the only ones who care. I know you said you don’t pray…so please don’t take this wrong. I will pray for you. I have faith in God. I feel that my faith is the only thing that gets me out of bed each day. I pray for all angel moms and dads. I appreciate your thoughts though and your well wishes. 🙂
This is certainly a group to which none of us ever thought we would belong and very much one that none of us wanted to join. ? It is invaluable to know that we are not alone though. That we are not the only one.
Thanks for your prayers mama <3 You're right, i don't believe in god, but i would never take this the wrong way. I'm definitely grateful for all the ways we found to support and love on each other – As you said, we are in this together.