It’s estimated that as many as one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage or stillbirth. Somehow with all the medical advances that have been made in the last fifty years, we are still suffering this heartbreaking level of loss. And even worse, the stigma surrounding these deaths is still pervasive. We still tell women not to announce their pregnancies until they are out of the first trimester and the risk of loss goes down significantly. Why? Announcing a pregnancy will not affect their risk of loss. And not telling means they have a smaller support network for their grief if something does go wrong. So why keep the pregnancy a secret? Could it be as selfish of a reason that we don’t want to know about other people’s losses because that means it could happen to us too?
If you aren’t someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss yourself, then there are a lot of women around you who have lost pregnancies and you aren’t even aware of it, like mothers, aunts, sisters, co-workers, and friends you talk to every day. So as one of the one in four, here are some things that I wish you knew:
Yes, it happened to me and it could happen to you. But my miscarriages are not contagious so please don’t treat me like I am the angel of death. Talking with me about my loss will not cause you to lose your pregnancy or cause your living child to die. It is sad that I have to mention this but these types of things have been said to me and fellow loss mothers.
I often blame my body for letting me down but my losses are NOT my fault. Most early losses are due to chromosomal abnormalities. Later losses may be caused by hormonal issues, chromosome issues, autoimmune issues, uterine abnormalities, clotting issues, infections or may be unexplained; none of these are the fault of the woman who lost her child. So when someone tells you they lost their baby in pregnancy, please don’t ask what she did wrong. She did nothing wrong and implying that she is responsible for her child’s death is just cruel.
Getting pregnant once is not a guarantee that you can get pregnant again. Sadly, I even heard this from my OB/Gyn that “at least you know you can get pregnant;” after my second miscarriage. That was no comfort to me as I tried, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant for the next year before I saw a positive test, and certainly was no comfort to me as I got pregnant three more times, just to lose each one. And some women may be unable to get pregnant again due to circumstances of their loss (such as ruptured tubes from ectopic pregnancies), or may choose not to risk having another loss.
Just like lightning can strike the same place more than once, so can a woman have more than one miscarriage. One in a hundred women will experience multiple losses, like me. The majority of these women will go on to have a living child but not all. Please avoid telling a friend who has lost her baby that when she has her living child the pain will be all worth it. You don’t know she will go on to have a living child and, even if she does, the living child does not erase the grief that she feels for this child. Children are not replaceable.
Most of us do want to talk about our losses. I know you might be hesitant to bring it up for fear that you are stirring up our pain that we are trying to forget but the truth is that our baby(ies) are on our minds all the time. By encouraging us to talk about it, you can show your care and support.
We don’t expect you to understand but we do want your sympathy and love. Losing a child is one of those griefs that you can’t really understand unless you have gone through it, and even then, each loss is unique. But you don’t have to understand to show sympathy, to send a card on a loss anniversary or an “I’m thinking of you” text on what should have been a due date. 
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so you may see some of your friends changing their social media to show that they are the one in four who has lost a child. Please remember that one in four is not just a statistic. I am one of the one in four. Your sister may be one in four. Your BFF may be one in four. We are real people who have experienced heartbreaking loss. And we are breaking the silence. Even if you haven’t had a loss yourself, you can help spread awareness by sharing articles like this; pregnancy and infant loss touches all of our lives, even if it wasn’t your child that died.
- The Ornament - December 7, 2021
- Hobbies That Turn On Us - December 17, 2019
- The Devil Doesn’t Need More Advocates - December 3, 2019