By Lori Davis
Sometimes my thoughts are neatly wrapped together and easy to articulate. And then there are days like today, when they feel a little jumbled and messy. That’s how grief works. It’s complex and confusing. There is no rhyme or reason to the ups and downs. It just is.
I don’t feel upset today.
Of course, I am still sad. I will always be sad that my daughter is not here with me. But I am not overcome with the intense sorrow that sometimes hits me so forcefully that it knocks me down and makes it almost impossible to breathe.
Not today, at least.
I’m not angry. I’m not at peace. I’m not happy. I’m not drowning in my tears.
I just am.
Today, I am drifting along. Life is moving at a normal pace for everyone around me. Maybe even a little faster. But I am stuck in slow motion, watching everyone else move and grow.
I am stuck between two worlds. The one where I am expected to carry on with my everyday life. I get up in the morning and go to work, then go home and tend to the chores in the evening. I go through the motions. My body is on autopilot.
My heart and mind are elsewhere. They are with my little girl. I never stop thinking about her. She is on my mind when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I dream about her. I see traces of her beautiful spirit in everything. I am never without her and she is never without me.
Yes, we physically reside in different worlds. But our hearts are one. For that reason, we will never truly be separated. She is still mine and I am still hers.
Even with all the confusion and conflicting feelings, one thing remains clear and untouched – our love. A mother is never confused about the love she shares with her child.
The love I share with my daughter carries me from one day to the next, between both worlds. It is never vague or ambiguous. Our love is the only thing that makes sense to me. Our love keeps me alive.
Our love will live on forever.
Lori is 32 years old and lives in Massachusetts with her husband Ben and their two dogs, Haley and Coco. She recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Elliot Kathryn. Sadly, Elliot passed away unexpectedly a few days before birth. Lori has embraced motherhood, just not in the way she always imagined she would. She spends her free time writing about Elliot and her experience as a bereaved parent. Sharing her experience has become an important outlet for Lori as she works through her grief. One of her new goals in life is to help educate others about pregnancy/infant loss, grief, and the day to day struggles associated with perinatal loss. You can read more about Lori’s experience by visiting her blog, Walking with Elliot.
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This is beautiful! Thank you momma!!
Thank you, sweet mama. <3
Thank you for this…its as if I wrote it myself. xoxo
Thank you for reading this. Big hugs to you momma. <3