This post is part of a multi-part series regarding moving forward with life after loss and the struggles of the reintroduction to “normal life.” The focus of these posts is being prepared and coping with the things that will come as we resume our day to day lives and return to our places of work. Read the rest: Part I
Life after loss is difficult. The loss itself is painful and difficult, but it is the time that exists after the loss that can be very difficult to navigate. Once the dust settles, we are expected to return to life as normal. We are expected to go back to work and face all of the triggers, the hardships, and the difficult questions sometimes daily. This adjustment period is a hard one and it never really stops. There are so many facets of it and we are faced with things that stem from this sometimes daily or in some cases even hourly or more.
I work in an industry where I deal with new people every day. Besides the constant barrage of co-workers that many deal with, I am also in an industry where I deal with many clients some for extended periods of time. It is in those moments of awkward chit chat that you are faced with those scary and daunting questions that so many loss parents face: Do you have any children?
This is where it always starts. A well-intentioned question, a question that is common, especially with idle small talk.
When I was first faced with this, I was taken aback. I should have been more prepared I suppose, but really how do you answer that? Of course I have a child. My child is in heaven though. So do I say yes or no? They don’t specify “living children.” But that doesn’t really matter. I do answer this with a yes, followed by a quick statement that my daughter has passed away. I have found that if you stop at the yes, people feel the need to ask all sorts of follow ups that can actually make the conversation a lot more painful. It also makes the conversation a lot more awkward when you wait to tell them the whole story.
The downside is that you are then faced with a whole new situation. People react in a variety of ways but I think they can be summarized into a few categories:
First is the compassionate understanding person. These are the easy ones. They feel bad, they express their sadness for your circumstance and things move on.
Then you have the information seeker. This person is going to ask a million questions and continue to dig. This can be painful in the beginning.
The final one that I have seen a lot of is the awkward response. These are the people who don’t know how to react and feel uncomfortable that this is even a conversation at this point. This one for me is the worst one. They clam up and just act weird until the subject is changed.
Now no matter which one you get, you always run the risk that you will receive the bad follow-up statement. This is that well-intentioned statement by a well-meaning individual turns into one of the dumbest things they can say. These statements come in a variety of forms. You may get the “it’s for the best,” or “at least you can have another.” I know that this is a common occurrence and have read many responses to this, so I won’t dig into that now. But this is yet another pitfall of dealing with people.
It is important I think to have a plan of action in place knowing that these questions will come. Know how you will answer the question. Know that there may be follow up questions or comments and be prepared with how you will handle them. If you have a plan and know how you will handle this situation when it arises, it will take away some of the difficulty that you would normally experience by not knowing how to answer.
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: The Big Question - October 19, 2015
- Life after Loss, Returning to Work: Making Your Return - September 18, 2015
- Family Life After Loss - August 31, 2015
My standard answer is, “I have no living children.” I don’t make a big deal, I say it very matter of fact. Some people will say “I’m sorry” and move on, others will ask about the situation. Those who ask are usually asking because they care or they can relate so I talk about my daughter as much as it seems comfortable for them. Those who move on quickly are not comfortable or were just asking to make small talk. Either way, I’ve given the asker an easy out while answering in a very honest and direct way.