It seems awkward to make myself think about pregnancy and infant loss awareness month only because it is something I have been unconsciously doing daily for six years now. Every morning my eyes open and I don’t see my son – I am aware.
In the past years I have avoided even acknowledging October. Partially being bitter that the rest of the year is exactly the same for me, and partially for reasons Halloween related. However, this year is different. This year I am trying to go beyond my comfort zone and think outside my own awareness.
I have spent my time learning more about the different kinds of loss outside of the ones I experienced. I have filled my head with as much information as it can handle. There’s a security I feel in “the more I know...” (Insert my husband looking at me like I’m nuts to want to think about it everyday and be willingly learn more!)
In processing this information I’ve seen a common thread amongst us 1 in 4; being aware without it consuming you (negatively) is the fine line we all walk. Striking a balance between talking openly, but not allowing the emotions around it to take us over fully. There is a relief to being candid that can quickly be overshadowed by a downward spiral into angst.
I hope for all of us to be able to find that balance. To be able to advocate without it trudging up the suffering. I get the feeling in a bit more time I’ll stumble across it, laying somewhere between remembering and forgetting.
The grief from the unexplainable loss, and subsequent miscarriages, proved near impossible to handle for the young couple causing them to loose themselves, and inevitably each other.
In time they were able to reunite, and resumed some semblance of a normal life. When it came around to trying again, each had their own conflicting thoughts and feelings that understandably ran deep. After soul searching and thoroughly disscusing it a shift happened.
Going into 2015 the decision was made to stop trying. Just let it go. Closing the door but not locking it. Taking some time to look around at the other doors in life. Maybe open a window or two 😉
Grappling with the choice to continue to live a childless life, Lindsay happened upon and joined the Still Mothers community. She hopes in sharing her experiences she can help those who for whatever reason are faced with living childless after loss.
- This Mother’s Day - May 2, 2016
- Thoughts on Your birthday - March 28, 2016
- Personal Trials at Work - February 17, 2016