Think back to the last time you flew in a plane; do you remember the flight attendant giving the safety instructions? One instruction is that if the oxygen masks drop, you need to put your own mask on before helping anyone else. If you don’t save your own life, you won’t be around help anyone else. Grief can be a similar situation. Sometimes you have to focus on applying your own oxygen mask so that you will be around to help others later.
As women, we are often taught from childhood that we exist to help others. There is an unspoken message that we are born to be wife and mothers, to be nurturers and caregivers, always putting others needs before our own. And I am not saying that taking care of others is a bad thing. But there must be balance.
Especially as loss mothers, we need to work to find that balance of taking care of others and ourselves. People who haven’t experienced the loss of a child simply cannot understand how all-encompassing the grief is, how we can’t just stop thinking about our babies and the future we have lost with them. There will be times that the pendulum will swing to the side of what some people consider “selfish” because you are taking care of yourself. Ignore the critics.
This is even more important as the holidays approach. Halloween was all about the candy and kids in cute costumes, Thanksgiving with its emphasis on bringing the whole family together, and Christmas with its attempt to make it magical for the kids. Well, I will never get to dress my kids up for Halloween. And my “whole” family will never get to gather around the Thanksgiving turkey. And Christmas has lost all magic for me, knowing that I will never get to play Santa or see my kids eyes light up when they glimpse the tree. The holidays just suck for bereaved parents. So I encourage you to start making plans now for the holidays that give you some breaks from the family focus.
If you can skip the big family festivities and plan a couples trip instead, then do it! You won’t regret doing something completely different on the holidays. Even if you can’t get away, try to establish your own traditions as a couple, such as a movie marathon, driving around to look at lights or a favorite non-traditional meal.
If you must go to the family festivities, then get a hotel room rather than stay in your old childhood bedroom. It gives you a safe place to retreat to so you can take your social mask off to help you recharge at night.
Talk through possible scenarios with your spouse of what could go wrong and how you want to approach it; having a solid action plan can help you feel less vulnerable to some of the hurt that unthinking relatives can cause. For example, if your husband has that one aunt that just won’t stop asking when you are going to have kids, make a pact with your husband that he has to stay by your side and deflect her conversations whenever she is around. Set up a secret word and signal for when either of you just need out of a conversation that is making you uncomfortable.
Give yourself permission to talk about your children that have passed. Please don’t let anyone imply that they shouldn’t be mentioned during the holidays because it might make others feel sad. Incorporate your children into your holidays, as it feels right to you. For example, some loss mothers may make a stocking for their children or make memorial ornaments to hang on the tree.
On the other hand, it is absolutely understandable if you don’t want to talk about your children to your third cousin once removed; it is always your story to share or not. Plan ahead with some conversation changing questions, like asking about pets, new jobs, houses, etc.
Feel free to plan some zingers for those who just won’t shut up about things that are none of their business. “Why are you so concerned with my sex life” is a good response for those who just won’t shut up with asking when you are going to have kids. I have found saying that my uterus is a serial killer is a definite conversation stopper. It’s easy to freeze up in the moment so it helps to plan ahead some ways to deal with those awkward conversations.
We know the holidays are going to be hard. We simply cannot escape the triggers that will be all around us, on TV, in stores, on social media, and in the comments of (usually) well-meaning family. And it’s easy to get caught up in the “have to’s” of the season, like feeling obligated to go to every family party when you would rather be home alone to cry. So please, start building some dates into your calendar now that will be just for you to use your own oxygen mask so you can recharge. Book a massage. Mark some days on the calendar as “me time,” even if you just end up staying home in your pajamas all day. Figure out what will help keep you breathing during this difficult holiday season and make a conscious choice to do some self-care. You deserve to be nurtured too.
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I am glad that you are carrying on with buying the ornaments; that is awesome! thank you for sharing (and sorry that I just now saw your comment).
Some very good advice, Maureen! Thank you for sharing! The first year after our daughter died, I found it so therapeutic to create an ornament for her. I also bought her a Baby’s First Christmas ornament, which felt silly, but also felt just right. I asked my husband to pick out her ornament last year and plan to do it far into the future.
On another note, your comment about your uterus would certainly get the point across. When people have asked me when we will get pregnant (after losing our daughter), I tell them, I have been pregnant twice already. That shuts them up, too.