For some of us, chasing the (seemingly never ending) dream of having another baby after loss can be so encompassing that it interferes with the life we already have. We become so caught up in chasing the unattainable that what’s right in front of our face falls by the wayside. Ignored and uncared for. Neglected and overgrown. Without any direction of its own, only for the achievement of a goal. A goal that is so important that the things we are neglecting have the illusion of being second rate. Not good enough until our life is how we expected it to be.

The sad reality of that is that for some of us, that ending we desperately lust after may never happen. And when the realization of that finally sinks in, we look at what we have lost along the way. Sometimes the costs of our eternal yearning can be just as devastating as not having it, and more than we realized we would have to pay.

What I want you to know is that it’s ok to pursue the dream of a baby. For most people it comes easily. But when you find yourself on a more difficult journey, there will come a time when you question if it’s really all worth it. The life that’s passing you by, the broken relationships, the floundering careers, your sense of self. There’s the potential to lose it all by channeling all your energies into the goal. You tell yourself to keep trying and you will get there eventually. And when you do, it will all be worth it.  But do you miss the journey in the haste for the goal? And what you do have with you on the journey, is all that is ever guaranteed. The things you have now are there. Measurable and valuable. They have their own merit, with or without the future you desire. They are the constants when the world seems unstable. When the future seems unclear. What you have now is there, just waiting to be appreciated.

Each persons journey is different, some people find it easier to continue longer as its only they who are directly involved. There are less complications when things don’t go as planned as there are less people directly involved. Others have partners involved in the journey too. And each decision made, has to be thought about in terms of how they too will be affected by further loss. And also how they will cope with never bringing home another baby.

Sometimes medical advice is helpful and makes you feel you can get there and sometimes it is bleak but we still wonder if we could be the minority who make it in the end. Just one more try. Surely our luck will change soon.  We trawl the Internet for new treatments and hopeful success stories to give us hope for just that little bit longer. None of these decisions are easy but we all make the best one for us with the information we have at the time.

So brave Mama, if you too have decided that enough is enough, you need to know that you have made an exceptionally brave decision. One with its own consequences. Devastating and lifelong ones. A reality you now won’t have, painfully shattered into a million pieces. But that doesn’t make you weak or a failure. It doesn’t mean you gave up. It just means that you have weighed up the pros and cons and made the best decision for you. You have decided to live the life you have rather than the one you thought you would have. You’ve chosen reality over fantasy. And that is  brave. You are in a small pocket of women who can’t have what they want. And it’s not fair. Not in any version of reality could it possibly be fair. But know that you have made that decision with love. Just like you would have made any parenting decision. But know that you are not alone. You are still a mother. Of the children you lost and of the ones you never got to have. And you’re the best mother they could have asked for. You’re the bravest of the brave. And I proudly walk that path with you.

Editor’s Note: This guest post is by a member of our Grieving Your Youngest group for loss mothers with living children, but no baby born after loss.  Although Still Mothers’ focus is on families with no living children, we do see the need for resources for families with living children, but no baby born after loss.

PLEASE NOTE: This following bio contains information about a living child. Please be advised, there may be triggering language for those who have no living children.