Christmas has always been a special period of time in my life. As a child I could not get bored with the magical atmosphere, the wonder that it is, and being happy about the presents. As I grew older, I would discover the real magic of Nativity, the wonder what the newborn Jesus brought into this world. At the same time I became one who cared more about giving rather than getting presents. And then I arrived at a stage when I could imagine no bigger joy than seeing a child discover this special day for him- or herself, experience the light, the joy, the solemn dignity of Christmas.
It was especially true five years ago which was supposed to be the very first Christmas for us as a family, with our baby boy. I was so looking forward to it.
It didn’t happen that way.
It has been a long and difficult path since then. I have been trying to hide, to focus on other things, but there have always been moments when I simply fall. From one second to another I feel tears welling up, I feel pain and grief so deep that my whole world crumbles, all over again. I long to know what Christmas is like with my five-year old son and I don’t know, I can’t. This not-knowing drives me mad, breaks my heart.
And I miss him, so very much.
I’m trying not to have any expectations … I’ll just do what comes. While physically I shall be present in my family, with my whole heart and soul I shall embrace the biggest wonder of my life, my beloved sweet son, who has made me the person I am today.
- What Child is This? - December 24, 2016
- A New Schoolbag - September 5, 2016
- No Simple Path to Okay - August 19, 2016