My husband recently brought to my attention that as a loss father, years in, there are things in his day to day life that still catch him off guard.
I asked him if he would care to elaborate, and the first words out of his mouth were this: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
A beloved childhood movie he remembers going to see with his Dad when the originals came out in the 80’s. He talks about it like it was yesterday. How excited he was and how much fun they had going. When we found out we were expecting our son he was psyched he could make movie memories with his child the way his dad did with him. Our son would’ve been the exact age he was when the newer film came out and all three of them could have gone together. So when he saw the trailer for it , that all hit him.
And recently- just in general -he’s noticed the things we loved as kids are getting their revival now because people ‘our age’ are starting to have kids.
I asked if he noticed it elsewhere or just in movies and he replied,
“Yes. Toys R Us” and what he says are “the aisles that don’t exist”. See to get to the Lego model area of the store you have to go past the Baby’s R Us area, the 2-3 aisles he acts like just aren’t there. The dark abyss of the toy store. He just doesn’t look – blinders up until he’s passed.
A beloved kids movie and a toy store would obviously have their own obstacles to them, I asked if he could mention a couple of things that you wouldn’t think would be a reminder but unexpectedly were.
“Shadow boxes from Michael’s craft stores”.
We went to a VIP concert early this year and really splurged to treat ourselves. Back-stage passes to meet the artist, a poster, some trading cards, and more. We went all out. Proudly wanting to display our newly gotten swag, we decided to get crafty and do a shadow box each to display all of our goodies. He bought us two shadow boxes and quickly brainstormed ways we could do their layouts.
We began to open one box and pulled out the instructions. They were a walk-through for a babies first year shadow box. Now, the instructions were general and could be applied to anything you could think to make, but these ones specifically were for a baby box. Our concert boxes were now not baby boxes instead of concert boxes. It put a damper on the whole thing.
At this point he said there was really only one other place where it get’s him in the everyday that comes to mind, and it’s emails, currently NHL emails (there have been others). About once a week he gets sent a merchandise sales email and peruses the online offers, but lately it’s not just jerseys and hats. He quickly pulled out his lap top and opened his email to show me the latest one displayed in the main window – New York Island Onesies for your baby. Deck out your kids in your teams gear. It just blind sides you.
For the most part you get on with your days.
Sometimes there’s little things that remind you and bring a smile to your face.
Sometimes it’s a tear to your eye.
And sometimes you just get caught from out of nowhere.
That’s just how life is after your baby has died.
The grief from the unexplainable loss, and subsequent miscarriages, proved near impossible to handle for the young couple causing them to loose themselves, and inevitably each other.
In time they were able to reunite, and resumed some semblance of a normal life. When it came around to trying again, each had their own conflicting thoughts and feelings that understandably ran deep. After soul searching and thoroughly disscusing it a shift happened.
Going into 2015 the decision was made to stop trying. Just let it go. Closing the door but not locking it. Taking some time to look around at the other doors in life. Maybe open a window or two 😉
Grappling with the choice to continue to live a childless life, Lindsay happened upon and joined the Still Mothers community. She hopes in sharing her experiences she can help those who for whatever reason are faced with living childless after loss.
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