It took me quite a while to find a proper topic for this post. With the Christmas season just ending and the emotional stress it brought, nothing seemed appropriate enough. Because what else can be said? I’m pretty sure there have been moments for each of us that we can hardly survive during these days. And now, another year starts without our beloved children.
Right before Christmas I bought a book about grief, crisis and trauma, but I only had the chance to read it after the holidays. The studies in it offer a wide range of aspects in connection with loss and grief, but I was and am particularly interested in the one which talks about a child loss. At one part it says that this kind of loss can give the families and each single member the chance to find a new identity and the way for personal development. (Kiss, E. Cs., Sz. Makó, H. eds., (2015). Gyász, krízis, trauma és a megküzdés lélektana Pécs, Hungary, Pro Pannonia Kiadói Alapítvány)
While I agree with most of the statements the writers make, I also started thinking about these aspects.
First of all, while I understand how much I have changed since my little son’s death, I keep thinking that with that previous state of mind I was okay with the person I used to be and I didn’t necessarily want to change. I wanted and still want my child. And the same is valid for personal development. I truly and honestly appreciate this gift my baby has given me but I would trade it all in in the blink of an eye even for just one more second with him. My loss doesn’t become smaller, I don’t miss him less. Nor do I love him less. No matter how hard I try to use this gift to be of use for others, to stand by people in need.
Then a second thing the study mentions is family cohesion, reactions and changes. As for my family, nobody, not one single soul, has shown signs of this. What I experienced was complete abandonment from the people for whom I would have done anything before. I don’t know how it has been for you, I just hope nothing like this. It is my and only my loss and grief that nobody wants to talk about, not now, not then when it happened.
I have just had a conversation with my mother, who mentioned that you just move on when someone you love dies. I get angry every time I hear this. I simply hate this expression! I’d rather say that it becomes part of your life; you never really stop grieving. It may transform into different forms, but it will always be there. You don’t leave it behind, like something you don’t need anymore. I think I need it. I need it because this pain is one of my links to my sweet little child. While sometimes I feel this as a heavy weight, at other occasions I want it, I long for it. It is just part of who I am. Because for me it is one of the proofs that my little Peter is my child, a significant part of my life, forming the person I am today.
During these five long years I have looked at grief and loss from all sides, and by now I have arrived at the following:
Losing your child may as well change you for a better person, with opportunities for personal development, but it also leaves you with a broken heart for a lifetime, with the ever-existing myriad of questions and whys, and with you yourself half dead, maybe not willing to die, but hardly willing to live. Your love for your child/children does not become less by the passing of the years, your qualities as a parent may improve a lot, even if you are an invisible one, you may even like your new self, but still, nothing, nothing will give you comfort for the loss you have suffered.
- What Child is This? - December 24, 2016
- A New Schoolbag - September 5, 2016
- No Simple Path to Okay - August 19, 2016
Everything we experience in life changes us, we grow from it. Whether its a job, a break up, planting a garden…so saying losing a child changes us, that we grow, to me is stating the obvious. Because like you said, if we did not experience this tragedy, but instead did have a healthy life to mother, then we would still change and grow. I just would prefer the later, and saying the former doesn’t really make me feel any better. But I guess what choice do we really have? We are having to deal with this situation, so it maybe makes us feel better to try to find some way to take something positive away from it.
Thank you so much, dear ruthlus, for your comment. You are right, I completely agree, but I wish it could be differently.
Lots of love,
e
This is beautifully said, Eva. I see the ways that I have changed since our daughter’s death- some good and some not as good. I think active motherhood would have changed me as well, just perhaps not in the same ways. I agree that the longing for that child becomes a part of you. It is hard for me to explain to people, like my parents, that even though it is sometimes painful to think and talk about our daughter, it can also be comforting and bring a smile to my face– because even though I wish she were here, she did exist and she was beautiful and she was ours.
I agree! <3 Its been six months since i lost my John and I want him all the time. It has become easier, since Christmas and his due date has finally. But I never stop wanting him and loving him. Hes always on my mind and I always want to talk about him. I hate the term moving on…that will never happen. I lost a child..you just dont move on from that.
Dear Laura,
I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences.
Lots of love,
e
Dear iowasarah,
Thank you so much! Yes, you are right, our children did exist, they were perfect and we shall miss them every single day!
Lots of love,
e