by Alissa Snyder
Today in my Facebook news feed I saw five pregnancy announcements.
One of these stated “Now that we’ve seen the heartbeat we can announce…..”
I silently raged at this moment. (Okay, okay, I was actually really loud and angry.)
I wanted to shout, “A heartbeat does NOTÂ confirm a take home baby! It confirms you are carrying life. It does not guarantee that you will meet your baby or take him or her home.”
I despise that thought process: that a heartbeat is, in some way, “safe.” I carried three beautiful, angelic lives within my body. I saw the “safe” heartbeat three — yes three! — times. Yet, though seeing it, I did not meet my children, carry them to term, take them home, or get to mother them in person.
Seeing a heartbeat does not guarantee life beyond the womb. A heartbeat is not a safe point, just as gestation after the twelfth week or first trimester is not a safe point.
I will never understand why people assume these things. I’m bitter, I’ll be the first to admit. I desperately want to expand our family, for a baby to call mine. I have been denied three times to carry my children to a life outside the womb.
Loss is so common that one in four women will lose a child. That is 25% of the worlds population, millions of people each year. And still, people think “It won’t happen to me”.
Next time you think to use the term “safe” in regards to gestation or heartbeat, think of me. Think of how hurt I was to think I was safe. Remember death is not choosy, it could very well happen to you.
Alissa and her husband live in New York. They spend their days running their own little farm, and chasing dogs and ducks around. They are the parents to three angelic babies, and are parents to none on earth. Alissa enjoys reading, crafting, baking, and gardening in her spare time.
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- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020
Thank you for your post. I lost a child at 14 weeks pregnant, one week after a ‘perfect’ ultrasound. And I just recently lost a baby at 9 days old with heart and lung defeats. I think the same thing when I hear people announce their pregnancies.
Well done, Alyssa. It is heartfelt and honest. I pray the future will bring you the desires of your heart.
My heart aches for you. I know the desire to be a Mom…. I pray you & Kyle will be blessed with children. God Bless you always.
I know how badly you wanted it Maggie. You’ve been such a big supporter of Kyle and I. We love you. <3
You are so right, I had watched my daughters heart beat for weeks at ultrasounds (I was highrisk with tons of issues). At 17 weeks I finally got to hear it, but soon after it would stop beating due to an infection that was killing both of us. I will never forget the sweet sound but it made losing her so much harder. I am sorry for you losses. I always pray extra hard for my new prego mommy’s that they will be able to carry tgeir babies in their arms and not just their hearts.
Vawnee’ I am so sorry for your loss. It does make it so much harder once you’ve heard that sweet sound. I’m truly sorry you lost her. <3
Im so very proud of my daughter for having the courage to write this. She is an amazing woman that has been through so much already. Im hoping she will be blessed with children but if she isnt she is still a great person. She loves and cares deeply for those around her! Alissa, you rock honey and im so proud of you!!
Thank you momma. I got my strength from you. <3 I love you.
Great article. Glad you were able to submit your feelings and have them be heard. Love you dearly :((( miss my grandbabies to and hoping that you will be blessed with babies soon.
Love you too. I hope one day you get your grandbabies. <3
Whenever people announce and are so happy I hate how jaded I am that I say to myself ” don’t celebrate yet- there are hundreds of hurdles to go”. But then I’m envoius that they get to be excited vs. jaded.
RMT, I feel the same way. It’s hard to not be jaded when you’ve gone through so much hurt. Hugs.