I have been seeing more memorial posts on Facebook lately inviting loss parents to share their children’s names. While I love that these children are being recognized, I feel a little awkward and almost guilty when I skip over those posts and don’t respond personally. Maybe some of you with early losses might feel the same way. I have had five losses, four in the first trimester and one in the second. My first loss, I had a gut feeling about the gender and the next three, I have no idea what their genders. Two of my children have names but I don’t really feel connected to the names on a deep level.
I only found out my last loss was a girl from her autopsy. I had had three healthy ultrasounds with her but then she died suddenly at 14 weeks so we had not found out her gender yet. But I had always wanted to name a daughter after Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice so what else would she be named when I found out she was a girl? That name is more about me, though, than her, so something about it just doesn’t feel right. Maybe if I had gotten to hold her, to see her that night in the hospital and to speak her name then, it would mean more. It might have connected us. But I left the hospital that early morning not knowing she was a girl, just knowing that my baby was gone.
With early losses we often don’t get to hold our babies. We don’t get to kiss them goodbye. One moment they are living and growing inside of us. The next moment, we are told they are just gone and we are left trying to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts.
Some in the loss community, with the best of intentions, may hold up naming your child as a necessary part of the grieving process and rush loss parents to pick a name. And for some mothers. choosing a name can be a very meaningful step in the process. But grief is unique and not a one-size-fits-all process. So for me, it feels hollow, especially with my very early losses.
Please understand that I am in no way meaning to discourage anyone else from naming their child, no matter the age. Those of you have named your children who are gone too soon, please continue to speak those names with love and, when I can, I will speak them with you. But for those of you who just aren’t connecting to a name, like me, find another way to connect, whether it be a color, a place, an object or even an animal. Butterflies, bunnies, and dragonflies sometimes make people think of our departed babies and other people may be drawn to angels or fairies. These items can then be incorporated in memorial jewelry, artwork, gardens and even Christmas ornaments. Open your heart to find what resonates with you.
I find myself drawn to colors for my children. I use the birthstones for the months that I had to say goodbye. Amethyst for my 2/7/97 loss who helped give me courage and strength. Ruby for my 7/24/11 loss; my body fought so hard to keep you even when all hope was gone. Sapphire for my 9/1/12 loss; I only knew I was carrying you for a few short days but you brought hope back to us after a year of unsuccessful attempts to conceive. Garnet for my 1/25/13 loss; you were gone as soon as I knew you were there but still forever a part of me. Emerald for my 5/2/13 loss at 14weeks; seeing you wiggling on the ultra sound were the happiest moments of my life.
Amethyst. Ruby. Sapphire. Garnet. Emerald. These are the colors of my heart.
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