The first trip my husband and I took after Thomas died, I was very excited about. It had been a horrible 6 months of grief, sickness, recovery and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with the first year, after a loss. I packed my bag, looking forward to four days without feeling sad. Our plane landed…and I did not feel noticeably happier.
There were strollers in every corner of Las Vegas – but I was still waiting for that happy travelers’ glow. By the third day I realized it – grief had snuck into my suitcase and was still with us. Apparently, you can’t just leave grief behind. Ever the parasite, it goes where you go leaving it’s mark. It was an awful trip. I was so disappointed. I was so confused and I was very, very scared – that this was my new reality.
Fast forward 3 years and a lot of therapy. We made it through that first awful year and I understand grief so much better. I can identify it, I recognize it and to a degree, I welcome it. Grief has become a constant companion and no longer a nemesis or foe. Grief is what makes me a mother, a Still Mother, but a mother all the same. As the quote goes, grief is the price of love – and I love my son deeply.
When the wedding invitation came, I was so pleased for my friend; until I saw the date – our one and only son’s birthday. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I wasn’t sure if I could celebrate, say the right words and smile through the hardest day of the year. I was worried I would break down and be a beacon of grief and despair on an occasion of love and happiness. We packed our bags and I kept checking, hoping if Grief has snuck into my bag, it would not take up a large area.
It was a beautiful day; the bride beamed, the groom was charmingly pale and nervous. I held it together. We arrived home last night, we unpacked, I bathed the dogs – it was a successful trip. Grief had missed our flight!
It’s 3 p.m. and I remain in my pj’s. I have eaten breakfast but my energy and motivation has gone missing. I know this sad, heaviness. I recognize the flatness and monotone view of the world. Grief had missed it’s flight, but waited for me, it was delayed but it was here. Ready to claim it’s due. I paid the toll, I slept today away, little was accomplished.
I’m proud that I had a shower, that was an achievement. Past years I would have been disappointed in myself, frustrated and angry that I had given in. Three years along this road of grief, I’m learning where the path is bumpy and where the path is smooth. Now, today, as an experienced traveler of this road, I go with the flow and I don’t fight it. I feel my feelings and allow the emotions to wash over me, to overcome me knowing it is part of being a Still Mother. Tomorrow is a new day. I will awaken and see what the awaits me along this journey, to check the conditions of the road.
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Great post, Andrea! Thank you for sharing it.