by Kristen Gluck

I am in the biggest fight of my life.

I am fighting with grief.

I am physically and mentally exhausted from fighting every single day. My adorable, perfect, baby boy was taken from me for no reason. Everyday the pain still astonishes me. Physical pain, mental pain, pain from memories, pain from losing what would have been sweet memories, pain from what is supposed to be comforting words from people who just don’t understand.

Pain that no one should ever have to experience.

Ever.

It would be so easy to give up and fall into that deep dark hole where I have every right to be. That hole for people who have been hurt so badly they can’t go on. Some days I want so badly to collapse into that hole and give up. Even on decent days that hole is near me, it reminds me if I slip, I will land there.

Everyday, I have to fight.

Fighting against grief is an unfair battle. Sometimes it dances around you, not hitting you directly but letting you know its there to keep you on your toes. Sometimes it hits hard, yet swiftly but then back downs, letting you catch your breath. Other times it completely knocks you down and you wish so badly to just lie there and give up. But then something in your mind tells you have to get up and you can’t lie down too long because then you might forget how to stand back up. Even when you make it to your feet you know your just going to get hit. Again.

And again. And again.

There are also the times where you get in a few punches, you may smile at a memory instead of cry, you may find yourself laughing at something funny, you may feel “normal” for just a moment or two. This back-and-forth is the constant battle with grief. Grief has many things in its corner. It has memories, guilt, and anger. They help make grief strong and they don’t fight fairly. In my fight I have people in my corner too, family that so badly want to comfort me and friends who try to understand what I’m going through. Some people have other children in their corner, willing them to go on and fight harder. But when the bell rings, or the day begins, you are left to fight alone.

Only you.

People in your corner can help but the decision to fight against grief is completely up to you. You have to be willing to fight and not give up; you will lose some rounds and you will win some rounds but just be proud of yourself for fighting. Grief is an awful opponent but it is one that MUST lose.

Fight hard friends, fight hard.

Kristen is a elementary school teacher in New Jersey. She is the mother to an angel Nicholas who was stillborn in December of 2015. Nicholas was found to have no heartbeat on the day Kristen was induced to deliver at 39 weeks. She uses writing as a way to deal with her pain and help her through her journey of grief.

• Author
• Recent Posts

Guest Post

This is a Guest Post. If you have something to say about being a Still Mother, Father, or Grandparent, we'd love to hear it! Check out the Get Involved tab on our website to learn how to submit a guest post of your own.

Latest posts by Guest Post (see all)

• Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
• Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
• What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020