The moment Addison’s father and I decided to go our different ways I realized how hard meeting someone else was going to really be. Dating is hard to begin with but here I am, forever attached to my ex, always talking about my baby, which is his baby too. It takes a man of strong character and sense of self to deal with the photos of my ex and I that I will never throw away because it’s all I have of her. It takes a lot of patience and understanding to deal with my wish to still include her father in things involving her, even though he always says no and it always makes me cry. How confusing it is for this new man to see my undying love for her and not wonder if it’s not some want for her father as well. Obviously I will always have some feelings for the man who gave me my most precious gift, so how on earth does any new perspective partner compete with a history like that?
Well brave men, and women, let me hold your hand and give you some advice before dating the strongest woman you’ve probably ever met.
1. Say their name. There is no greater music to a mother’s heart than her baby’s name. I know it must seem like literally digging up a skeleton, especially if you have minimal experience with death and grief, but we need to hear it. We need constant reassurance their absence is felt by more than just us, how crazy we feel thinking only our world changed with their death, how lonely it is to hold this burden all on our own. The only way we really know you care is by asking questions. Ask me about her, I know this is painful for you because this is his story too, but when I reminisce about my girl I have no nostalgia left for the man who helped create her. They share DNA, and a name, that’s it. He’s a part of her, but that doesn’t make him part of me anymore. So don’t be afraid to dive into the details with us, we need you to know, we need you to understand or how can you really love us?
2. We’re not looking for a new daddy for our kid. I would never expect any man to step into the role of fatherhood with my child, let alone fathering my dead child. It is not your job to continue her legacy, it is not your child to adopt as your own, “angel”. You weren’t there, you only know them because of us, please don’t assume we’re looking for anything but compassion and a kind ear to talk to when we’re missing them. While I welcome you to fall in love with her, and include her in whatever traditions we make together, please know I have no agenda with you and her. This holds especially true for the fathers that may not have been the best men to our babies, this isn’t a competition, he lost his baby too, you did not. I don’t wish bereaved parenthood on anyone, especially you. You are not her dad, but you can still love her, and her mom.
3. Research. Take it upon yourself to find resources to better understand the processes of grief. If I had a nickel for every man on dating sites that asked me what an angel mom was, I could build my very own perfect robot husband. The internet it a vast ocean of material just one Google search away, dear god use it. I’m exhausted trying to navigate grief myself, and at times I don’t even know why I’m feeling something when I am. I spent an impossible amount of time defending my emotions to the man who came before you, I won’t do it anymore. I can’t. Chances are right on our Facebook walls are countless articles and stories to help you better understand where we are coming from. Endless books on our shelves none of us will stop you from taking and reading. It’s one thing to explain conditions and birth defects that may have affected my child, I’m happy to advocate and educate, it’s a whole other deal to explain why I’m sad about my baby. If you want us to work, you have to do some homework, I promise it’s worth it.
4. Check yourself. Most people have dump truck full of assumptions and ideas about what death means, and what, ‘healthy’ grieving looks like. I promise you’re wrong, and probably offensive without even realizing it. The fact is unless you too lost your child you cannot fathom what this life looks like, and the more you remind yourself that the better off you’ll be. So before you offer some advice, or a platitude, realize you might hurt more than help. Repeat step 3.
5. We’re only terrified, and fearless at the same time. It’s pretty rare to meet a woman who’s lived through literal hell and lived to tell the tale. Especially someone in her mid 20’s like me, self-awareness and confidence isn’t very common in my age group. So what a thrill it is to meet a woman who knows who she is, a woman so resilient, a woman you probably admire. Just because we are strong, doesn’t mean we believe it all the time though. We still need you to hold our hand, we’re still afraid of losing something else we love; could our hearts handle another loss? Some days I’m able to stand on stage before a crowd of strangers and tell her story loud, other days I can’t put one foot in front of the other because out living your child is so heavy. I need you to cheer me on through the highs and lows, even if that only looks like cradling me in silence while I cry.
6. Our bodies are foreign to us. If you think women in general have body issues, oh friend, have we have a whole new perspective to complicate things. One of the things that scared me most about leaving Addie’s dad was bearing myself to someone new. Who could love this body I didn’t love myself? Who could handle my marks of motherhood without a baby to show for it? Who will love me if I can’t give them a family? Some of us believe still our bodies betrayed us, killed the one thing they should have protected. We doubt our womanhood because we failed as mothers, and we don’t even feel sexy or desirable in this new tattered skin. Most women really struggle with accepting and loving their postpartum bodies, this is so much more difficult when your baby dies. Remind us we are sacred ground, a beautiful temple that held life. Remind us that you appreciate the first place our babies called home. Show us we can still turn heads and turn you on, it’s probably been a long time since we felt wanted, we need reminded we are still hot-blooded sexually alluring creatures.
7. We take love very seriously. Unlike the general population it seems, we hold love to the highest regard. You see we know how to love in a way most people can’t begin to imagine. We love beyond death, selflessly, and without reservation. Our love is fierce and passionate, the kind of love they write books about. When I started dating again people told me I needed, “single-hood”, have fun, be casual about relationships, “rebound” from the 3 years and life I built with my ex. But because of Addie, I was so far beyond that mentality for perspective partners. I couldn’t just be around people for the sake of company, variety, or boredom. In fact I was more alone meeting new people than I had been in a very long time. I felt older than the perspective suitors my age, like worlds apart. These boys were going to run for the hills when they saw what kind of baggage I had, so why waste my time? I knew in a matter of text messages if I could love this person, because I finally knew what real love was, I knew what it looked like, what if felt like, and I knew I deserved it. It wasn’t just a matter of if they could love me, it was a matter of truly loving them. I didn’t want to waste the time of a man I knew I’d intimidate. My daughter taught me life is too short, being fake and polite helps no one, and this means when we finally do pick someone, it’s because we see a real future with you. We do not say we love you as a formality, we mean it. You’re welcome.
Still Mothers are the kind of women you take home to mom and dad. We are the kind of women that have learned how to live for more than just ourselves, material things mean very little to us, and we have a fondness for family and zest for life you don’t find in everyone. We feel broken and damaged and dark and twisty a lot of the time, but that usually makes us really funny, and grounded. We know how to live, because we understand mortality, we had to learn how to survive and thrive against all odds so life’s normal drama and stress is pretty moot to us. We are loyal and protective, if we love you we do so with our whole self because we have these tiny babies that thought us how to open up and love boundless. We are great mothers and we are one hell of a catch, I’m probably biased but I think any man would be lucky to find a woman like us.
We’re worth taking a risk on, I mean it.
To learn more about Jessica or inquire about free photography and retouching services, reach out to: https://www.facebook.com/armyaddisonquinn
- Dear Me, I Have So Much To Tell You - October 21, 2016
- The Girl With The Camera - September 12, 2016
- Tips for Dating a Still Mother - March 7, 2016