I am sad today. It’s my son Finley’s fourth birthday today, and he’s not here to celebrate. He’s not here to enjoy a birthday party.
I don’t want fake Facebook birthday parties every year that celebrate a little boy who isn’t here, but is loved by so many.
I want to tuck in an overtired little boy at the end of his birthday and know he had so much fun.
I want to see his little eyelashes against his little cheeks and know he’s feeling safe and loved.
I want to push back his hair from his face and see his little baby face even though he’s turning into such a big boy.
I want to teach him how to be kind and thoughtful and respectful.
I want to make him feel like the world is his to do anything he wants. And for him to believe anything is possible.
I want to be able to see the world through his eyes and learn how exciting and wonderful it is all over again.
I want to see him grow up loving our family dog Jacob and see how their relationship develops.
I want to see the joy that lights up Steve’s face as he teaches his son new things.
I want to see the excitement on Finley’s face when he learns how to kick a soccer ball and the pride on Steve’s face when he does it for the first time.
I want to feel the joy and laughter when Jacob goes and steals the ball and inadvertently ends up popping it.
I want to see him develop relationships with all of the different people who love him.
And for each of those people to mean something different to him.
I want to teach him how to spell his name and find out if he pokes his little tongue out when he concentrates like I do.
I want to spend the days playing and singing and learning and having adventures.
I want to know if he prefers Thomas or the Gruffalo.
I want to know which Disney movie is his favourite.
I want to know if he is a picky eater.
I want to see him be brave and learn to do things independently.
I want for my hardest thing to be watching him go off to school and knowing he’s not my tiny baby anymore.
I want to know if he would be a little book worm like I was.
I want to know if he loves animals like I do.
I want to know what he’d look like when he was trying hard to push boundaries.
I want to know what would cause him to have a tantrum.
I want to know if he would be snuggly when he wasn’t feeling well, or if he’d want to be left alone.
I want to know how it feels to have his sloppy little kisses pressed against my cheek.
I want to know how it feels to hear your child say “I love you mama,” and to know that there might come a day when he is embarrassed to tell me.
I want to know if he’d still have the blonde hair and blue eyes that I imagine him to have.
I want to see him interact with his cousins when they come to visit from England. Would he be the bossy older cousin? Or would be patient and inclusive? It would be so much fun to see them all together, the way they should be.
There are so many moments that I have imagined and keep imagining, over and over again. Moments that should have been, and are now impossible. Little joys that often only seem to be imagined by me.
I want nothing more in this life than for him to be with us today, celebrating his fourth birthday. Right where he should be.
I love you Finley, and miss you so much. Happy Birthday.
After years of investigation, it was determined that Finley's death was caused by many counts of medical negligence by the military hospital where he was born. Lisa found it to be incredibly important to hold the hospital and medical staff responsible for their actions, and Lisa and her husband were offered a wrongful death settlement from the United States government for the death of their son. They hope that by holding the hospital legally accountable, that it will prevent other babies from dying in a similarly needless way.
Lisa is just a normal girl trying to help her son's memory live on by writing honestly and openly about life, love and loss. She is co-founder and web designer at Still Mothers, blogs at The Stars Apart (formerly Dear Finley) about all things life and babyloss, and has also written articles for Still Standing Magazine and Circle of Moms. Lisa lives in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with her husband Steve and their cheeky dog, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier called Jacob. She tries to find meaning in life by pursuing her many hobbies and interests, which include photography, crafting and web design.
- The Birthday That I Want – Finley’s Birthday Post - March 23, 2016
- Talk to Us Tuesday - June 16, 2015
- Talk to us Tuesday - May 26, 2015