The daffodils bloom a few weeks before your birthday.
When I see them it reminds me the end of March is coming.
I give myself your day to let whatever may be – be.
Sometimes I feel brave enough to weather my deeper feelings and think of who you would be now and how you would want to spend your special day. Most times that leads to me barely being able to light the candle the hour you were born as I am balling my eyes out.
On the eve I find my self in bed listening to the beginnings of April showers – as I did the night you were born. No matter how much time has passed, no matter where I am in my life, I hear that rain fall and I am there again: In the hospital. In our empty room. At the end of the darkest hall.
I lay there wide awake listening to the storm pound down on the windows staring at the ceiling.
Without you. In the emptiness.
I stay briefly within the recollection then a few blinks and I am back here in the now.
Without you. In the emptiness.
I cry, again.
You’re gone, but a part of you is here. Somewhere between a memory and dream – just out of reach. It’s a constant teeter totter of emotions. Whether thinking of the future you will never have or reflecting back on the fateful day that turned our world upside down, one thing that will never change – I will always weep for you.
The grief from the unexplainable loss, and subsequent miscarriages, proved near impossible to handle for the young couple causing them to loose themselves, and inevitably each other.
In time they were able to reunite, and resumed some semblance of a normal life. When it came around to trying again, each had their own conflicting thoughts and feelings that understandably ran deep. After soul searching and thoroughly disscusing it a shift happened.
Going into 2015 the decision was made to stop trying. Just let it go. Closing the door but not locking it. Taking some time to look around at the other doors in life. Maybe open a window or two 😉
Grappling with the choice to continue to live a childless life, Lindsay happened upon and joined the Still Mothers community. She hopes in sharing her experiences she can help those who for whatever reason are faced with living childless after loss.
- This Mother’s Day - May 2, 2016
- Thoughts on Your birthday - March 28, 2016
- Personal Trials at Work - February 17, 2016