Today I would like to discuss some questions with you. Questions whose answers may seem evident to others, but are not easy for me. Time and time again I come across them from well-meaning others, and face the difficulties they involve.
By now I have learnt to speak about my loss quite freely. This being said, I may find myself in situations where I feel uncomfortable because the people I am talking with appear to be unwilling to be emphatic with and deaf to my sentiments and feelings. This is just a random sample of their questions.
Q. 1. Don’t you think you have dwelt in this depressing period long enough?
No, not really. I remember one of my first feelings in my ‘after’ life was that I would always have that feeling of loss and grief from then on. Always, each and every day of the rest of my life. Then and there my little baby died and with him the promises of a life, dreams, hopes, his and mine as well. So why, why on Earth do you expect me not to be sad and grieving over it?
Q. 2. Why don’t you just have another baby and you could concentrate on happier things?
Good, thank you. Great advice. For one thing, I had waited for my child long enough (approximately 10 years) and you think all that longing and waiting can be replaced with a new pregnancy, just like that? Another recognition of mine on that sad morning was that I wanted it to hurt. If that was the only thing I could have then I wanted to feel it as much as possible. It was, it is for my sweet baby, you see. How could I ever turn my back to those feelings??
For another thing this pregnancy didn’t happen just like that… and now, getting older may also mean other difficulties. Each month that goes by makes me die a bit, taking away another sliver of hope. And if you are fairly insensitive to pay attention to that, you make me feel even more miserable than before.
Q. 3. Have you thought about adopting? It’s the same thing.
Oh, great. While the answer could be yes and I would gladly do this, let me tell you that I also want to be able to give birth to a baby, with all the small and large things a pregnancy and birth involve, I don’t care about the pain, the nausea or anything else, as long as I, I myself may give life to my child. I want all of it, with a baby kicking and alive in my arms. And, what’s interesting is that this piece of advice hardly ever comes from adopting parents …. they all have their own children.
Q. 4. Why don’t you see that life can be complete even without children?
Really? Well, maybe, if you have never wanted to have children. But if this is not the case I can tell you that no matter how many great and good things, events you stuff into your life you will always feel that something is missing. The void will never go away.
Q. 5. The last question is mine towards all those who think that they need to come up with a solution to this problem in my life. Why, tell me, why don’t you understand that I don’t need you to come up with a solution to this, what you may think is a problem?
It is not “a problem”, as problems can be fixed. It is a tragedy, my tragedy. What I need you to do for me is to be there. To be there to say you are sorry, to be there if I cry (again), to be there so that I can start to see the colours again in life. And if you do this I can learn to live with my loss, to love and honour my beloved and lost baby, babies, yet, feel that this is my life and I am truly blessed to live it to the fullest. Is it such a big thing to ask?
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This is so beautifully written – all questions resonating with me. But question #2 hits my heart as I also waited 10 years for my sweet baby boy and it amazes me that people think getting pregnant again will help or worse can happen quite easily. Thank you for perfectly describing so many resonating points.
Thank you, dear Neusa, for your comment here. For me it is important to know that others can also identify with my feelings and sentiments. Lots of love to you.