Dear Mr. asking-too-many-personal-questions cab driver,
Thank you for asking if I have kids, and then, upon hearing my reply, giving me unsolicited advice.
No, I assure you, I really won’t be having a living baby. Despite whatever good intentions you have, whatever whackadoodle specialist’s number you are pressuring upon me – no, it won’t happen.
I understand you may think “the doctor’s don’t know anything”, but I think when they look at you, directly into your teary eyes, and assure you any future pregnancy will result in me dying – they are pretty sure. The words “pregnancy will be fatal for you” never really stop ringing through your ears.
Oh good, we’ve reach the “why don’t you adopt” portion of this horrifying conversation, oh joy. I mean adoption is SO simple, right??
I understand our story is sad, I do. I understand it may make you uncomfortable; but sometimes in life – sad things exist. This is not a Disney movie, there is no hero to charge in and battle the evil villain of Unfairness. Sometimes, Unfairness overcomes us. I didn’t ask you for a hero – quite frankly all I wanted was a ride to where I volunteer – but if you must find a hero, if you must “fix” this sad situation, I am a big fan of Acceptance.
A bit of an unsung hero, Acceptance is. Instead of pitying me, instead of looking at my life with sadness just wrap me up in Acceptance. I struggled for years to reach a place where I was no longer fighting an invisible enemy. I couldn’t change the past and I wouldn’t want to. For every tear shed, for every crack in my heart I am desperately grateful for the gift that Thomas was.
I was confused and angry; I just kept waiting for this amazing revelation to befall me, of what to do now. It ran through my head in a loop “what now? what do I do with my life now”. And yet, no revelation came.
But with time, therapy, tears and even laughter; I arrived at this place of acceptance and I like it here. I’m not fighting anymore, I’m not angry anymore. I’m just Andrea. I’m not who I was before I became Thomas’ mother, I never will be. That me was interred with Thomas.
But this me is going to be okay. This me doesn’t need to fight and doesn’t need a hero. Our story is sad, but it is true. We wouldn’t appreciate the light without the darkness. We wouldn’t know joy without deep sorrow. I acknowledge our sorrow, our sad story but I don’t buckle under it.
I don’t need to be fixed Mr. Cab driver, just to be seen, to be heard and I really do need you to drop me off, I’m going to be late!
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