When I worked as a flight attendant I spent many flights doting over baby travelers. I walked them up and down the aisle while they cried, I held them as their mothers fit their seat belts, and I defended them from angry business passengers.

I’ll never forget the time when, somewhere over Missouri, a passenger asked me to “shove a cookie” in the mouth of a crying baby. I was horrified at their rudeness.

Fast forward to today. Here I am, a loss mama with no ability to have other children on my own. Though I don’t work for the airline anymore, I am an avid traveler for both work and play. I am sure my son Oak would have been flying on my lap to great lands. Smiling or crying, and delighting or upsetting other passengers like every other flying baby. Now I understand another reason why some people don’t like babies on flights; their baby is gone.

Now that I’m a loss mom, all parts of traveling affect me now: the families organizing in the airport, the noise of babies on the airplanes, scenes of lap babies, and random people falling to mush over that “adorable baby in 12C.” This should be us. We should be enjoying our lap children. We should be complaining about rude passengers who judge our crying child.

There’s no emergency exit for the loss of a baby.

If you are like me and experience the trauma of travel, here are some tips for flying after baby loss. You can also apply some of these tips to other methods of travel: train, bus, ferry, etc.

1. Fly in the middle of the day. People with young children often opt for early or late flights in the hopes that their child will sleep. If you fly in the middle of the day you reduce the chances of seeing lap babies. You’ll also want to avoid flying on the weekend.

2. Sit in a middle seat on the right side of the airplane. I know it’s less desirable to sit in the middle. But if you take the middle seat it reduces the chance that you’ll sit next to a baby. If a couple and a baby are traveling, for example, they will need the middle seat and you could be stuck by the window seat as a baby drools on you. If a mother or father travel alone with a lap infant they are likely to be in the middle or window seats for safety reasons. If you can get the emergency exit row, that is your best option. Passengers under age 15 are not allowed in the exit rows. Also, avoid the bulkhead seats or left side (if your back is to the pilots). Lap babies are often seated in these areas due to the extra oxygen masks. However, location of the extra masks depends on the type of aircraft.

3. Wear earplugs, find a white noise app, download a meditation, or plan a travel playlist. If I want quiet, I use earplugs or the Simply Noise app because of the pink, white, or brown noise options. If I want music, I plan a travel playlist. I include a mix of music that is both inspiring and comforting. Meditations – both paid and free – are easy to download. The breathing exercises and mantras from a meditation provide focus and relaxation.

4. Journal. Planes offer good solo time. Use it to write.

5. Don’t be afraid to cry. Airports are emotional places. Lots of people cry. Cry it out.

6. Bring snacks that contain B vitamins and drink plenty of water. Travel dehydrates. Some studies show that dehydration can cause anxiety and stress. B vitamins are helpful in calming emotions and nerves. Nuts like almonds and pecans, dry fortified whole-grain cereals, and peas make good B-vitamin rich snacks.

7. Move. Doing laps around the airport, stretching, and doing foot exercises while flying are all great ways to move. I find that practicing bits of yoga in public places is becoming more acceptable. Some airports even have small gyms or places for yoga.

8. Fly with an emotional support animal. In order to fly with an emotional support animal you must have a psychological reason (e.g. trauma, PTSD) and a letter from a medical care provider. Emotional support animals are usually well-behaved dogs, but can be cats, monkeys, or even miniature horses. If an emotional support animal is not possible, travel with a stuffed animal. Take your Molly Bear or other stuffed animal on travel. Hold that animal on your lap. The feeling of weight on your lap is no replacement for your baby, but makes a difference.

9. Leave the situation. If you become triggered from a baby at the airport restaurant or in the seat next to you, leave. Don’t be shy about asking for another seat. People move seats for a whole host of reasons. Flight attendants are generally very accommodating, especially if you feel up to explaining. I’d say something like, “I recently lost my son/daughter, could I sit somewhere more comfortable?” They will likely offer condolences, help you move, and then leave you alone. They are usually too busy to follow up with a bunch of uncomfortable questions.

10. Talk to your baby. I feel closer to Oak in the sky amongst the clouds and stars. I say hello to him. I tell him about my travels. I look for shapes in the clouds. I feel his presence all around me.

I hope that these tips help you move through the trauma of travel. Remember that you are not alone.

See you in the skies.

________________________________________________________________________________

Melinda is a nursing student and volunteer from Colorado. She lost her only son Oak at six months gestation, a result of a medically overlooked rare type of ectopic pregnancy. Due to extreme blood loss and complications, Melinda lost her ability for future pregnancy and almost lost her life. She was in a coma when Oak was delivered. Oak’s name came from the pregnancy nickname she and her husband Ryan chose by the banks of Oak Creek where they got married. He is their rooted angel. On her healing journey, she is reemerging in the forest with new branches, yet her roots remain. While being encouraged by Oak she chooses to live her story, scars and all, in the hopes of bringing healing to others. She created and writes at You Are Rooted and volunteers with her dog Zeus as a pet therapy team.

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