Maybe you wanted a perfectly natural water birth with limited pain medication, and instead you had to face the disappointment of having medical intervention and giving birth in a bed…Please take a moment to imagine the extent of the disappointment of saying goodbye to all your hopes and dreams for your baby in the moment you find our their heart is no longer beating.
Maybe your labour was frighteningly long and difficult, maybe you even experienced the trauma of an emergency Caesarian section… Try now, if you can, to imagine the fear of facing labour knowing your baby is already dead and what will be placed in your arms at the end of the ordeal, is a dead body. Allow yourself to think about the trauma of seeing your precious baby lifeless and cold, her greying skin failing to become pink, her eyes never opening.
Maybe your baby spent some time in special care, maybe you had to be separated from them for a time…Think though of the mother who leaves hospital knowing her baby will be placed in a freezer when she departs. This mother soon will have to place her baby in a tiny coffin and watch the lid being placed on, knowing she will never, ever see her child’s face again.
Maybe breastfeeding was painful or didn’t work out and you weren’t able to feed your baby the way you wanted to… Please spare a thought for the mother whose body doesn’t understand that there is no baby to feed, who has to take medication to stop her breasts from leaking milk in the shower as she cries.
Maybe you’re spending hours feeding as your baby is going through a growth spurt and your sole purpose in a day is to feed your baby… Please be thankful that you are not the mother who feels she no longer has any purpose in life at all now her baby is gone, who has endless hours to fill and no desire or motivation to do anything.
Maybe your baby cries constantly and doesn’t sleep through the night and you’re exhausted… Imagine though how much worse it could be, to have never heard your baby make a single sound. To lie awake at night revisisiting over and over against your will the moment you found out she had died, the labour, the funeral, only to eventually fall asleep and have nightmares filled with terror and death. Imagine crying so hard that you can’t breathe and don’t know how you will ever stop crying, knowing that it should be the cries of a hungry baby that are heard in your house, not these animal like wails of pure anguish.
Maybe you’re finding it hard to lose the baby weight and you dislike your stretch marks… How would you feel about your body if it had caused the death of your baby? How would you cope with a post-natal body and no baby, nothing to show for all that you have been through?
Maybe you and your partner are snapping at each other, both tired from looking after the baby, fighting over who is the most tired and who has changed more dirty nappies… I wonder if you can picture the conflict between a couple so weighed down by grief, so divided by differing coping strategies, trying to encourage each other to face the world when neither wants to be alive themselves.
Maybe you’re not getting out as much as you used to, it’s hard to get coordinated to leave the house and the baby needs fed so frequently it’s hardly worth going out… Think about how difficult it is for the bereaved mother to leave the house. She is terrified of being confronted with pregnant women or babies, of being overtaken by a flashback, of meeting someone who last saw her when she was pregnant and having to explain what happened, and that any one of these things (or a million other unexpected triggers) will overwhelm her and she will humiliate herself by breaking down in public.
Maybe you get sad when it’s time to pack away the newborn clothes and move up a size. You are nostalgic for that tiny newborn baby and wish they wouldn’t grow up so fast… Now imagine yourself packing away the newborn clothes, all unworn aside from the outfit you chose for your baby to be buried in. Imagine deciding what to do with the nappies, the wipes, the creams, the muslin cloths, the blankets, the soft toys, all carefully chosen for a baby who never came home. Imagine putting a bin bag over the rocker that your husband excitedly assembled and putting it in the attic. Imagine returning the travel system that you fell in love with and researched for hours, because you need the money back after paying for a funeral and a cemetery plot.
Maybe you’re dreading leaving your baby and going back to work… What do you think it would be like coming back to work when you should still be off with your baby? Meeting people every day who know what happened and don’t know what to say to you, so mostly don’t even mention that you had a baby and she died. Or meeting people who don’t know what happened, who ask if you had a boy or a girl and how old are they now. How would you deal with the awkwardness that ensues when you talk about your loss?
Maybe everyone around irritates you with opinions on how to parent your child. Unsolicited advice comes from every direction, trying your patience. Maybe you lose touch with some old friends who aren’t interested in babies… Now try to put yourself in the shoes of a mother who has lost her child. Some family members will always say the wrong thing, upsetting you with religious platitudes, worse though will be those who want to pretend that your baby never existed or was just something not meant to be. Friends you’ve supported through work problems, family problems, and break ups will just vanish. Others will say they are there for you, but no thank you it would be too upsetting to see a picture of your child or to hear about your pain. Less than four months after your baby’s death you will be told by the closest of family that you have been going on about your loss for too long and that it is time to move on.
Maybe you’re impatient for your little one to smile, to roll over or whatever their next development goal is… What if you knew that your baby would never meet any of their milestones, they will never smile, never say ‘Mama’, they will never walk, sing a song, play with a toy or go to school? What if you have to face a whole life without your baby, your toddler, your child, your teenager, your adult child, your grandchildren?
Maybe it’s time consuming and expensive to plan a birthday party. Maybe your house gets wrecked, you have a headache by the end of the day and you think next year you’re not even going to have a party… But imagine having an anniversary instead of a birthday. Imagine having to decide how you will memorialize your dead child. Imagine going to visit a cemetery and seeing your beautiful daughter’s name carved on a headstone, while you can’t help but picture her little body degrading in a coffin beneath your feet.
It is hugely challenging to be a mother but maybe for some, motherhood presents extreme challenges and few rewards.
Maybe you are one of the lucky ones. Maybe there is a bereaved mother out there who would give anything to have your problems. Maybe she wishes that just for one moment, you could know how it feels to be her.
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Mother to Isobel, born asleep in June 2015
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Spot on. We all grieve differently, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask people to be a little patient, extend a little grace, and a little empathy for such a debilitating grief. And the same goes for the fathers as well, who experience the same grief as us moms, they just shoulder it a little differently. It helps to find the friends and family who understand that sometimes you want to talk about it, sometimes you don’t. That even though you seem as though you have ‘moved forward’, you never, EVER forget and you will always grieve. Thanks for sharing this. Missing my baby boy Justin – who, although not born asleep, lived in our arms for just a short time. August 13, 2016.
Today is the anniversary of my daughter who was born asleep. 24 years today when the doctor shattered our world. I still cry for her and think of the what ifs. I don’t understand why this had to happen to me but I just try and soldier on. I have been blessed with 3 sons but a daughter is yours for life.
I will never know what it will be like to be apart of my daughters life. I will miss out on seeing her graduate, get her license, her first boyfriend and her wedding day & her having a family of her own.
For all who are blessed with daughters…love them, cherish them and be thankful for them. Yes they will have you pulling your hair out but I’d rather be bald if only I could have my girl back.
Love and miss you Catherine.
Born asleep 23.11.1992.
I think this is fantastic, except for one thing. It’s not just for moms. Men/fathers experience all of these things too, especially the “Get over it” comments or “It’s for the best”. We also have to be “strong” for our wives and families, get back to work soon, and “soldier” on. Lost our baby Ruby on 7-5-16.
Thank You for sharing, I think of all the things You mentioned almost daily and it’s comforting knowing I’m not wrong for feeling that way. I see Women with toddlers the same age My Angel Julian Noah would be now and I try to imagine what he would look like, I know I’m missing being a Mother and will forever grieve My Son who was born still 2/21/15 and never left the N.I.C.U. till We decided end His suffering 2/23/15, I struggle with showing or talking to anyone about how I’m feeling because we learned early on Us talking about Our Baby we lost makes everyone so uncomfortable so I read stories online and just keep reminding myself it’s normal for me to still miss My Baby everyday all day
I have a friend who went through this over two decades ago. She still honors her daughter with a luncheon among friends every year on her daughter’s birthday. Never having experienced it, I know in my heart it must be difficult…but you help me see it even more clearly, feeling it even more in my heart, so I can be a better friend to my friend. Thank you.
Thank you for this. This is exactly how I feel on most days. I am so happy that other women around me are pregnant and excited but I wish I didn’t have to hear about it all….