Beautiful Mother, I see you.

I found you in one of those loss groups. I had been trolling the group for a while looking for anyone to whom I could connect. I desperately wanted to talk to another mother that had a similar story to mine. We found each other but not in the way that others would have thought. We actually were having an argument, geared towards religion. Imagine that?! I was all about to write you off with just having a difference of opinion when you reached out to me. I opened the message.

Now, two plus years later, we are still in communication together. We became friends through adversity. I have been a part of the baby loss community for three years now and I have seen quite a bit of backlash from outsiders but also from fellow loss moms. This was one of the main reasons I left all loss groups. When you are an empathetic, introvert like myself; it hurts to see everything construed and ridiculed.

We all have come together for a common heartache. We should be showing nothing but love, compassion, and support. We are all hurting and trying our best to figure out this ‘new normal’. It isn’t easy and the last thing we need is to have our fellow group members making us feel even more isolated among our own peers.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is coming to an end, and I would love to start an initiative: For the last week in October, reach out to a loss mom and let her know you see her, her pain and her struggles. Her pain is also your pain and you can get through it together, no matter where you both are in your journeys. If we can’t come together now and support each other, what can we expect from those that haven’t been there? We should be modeling the type of compassion we would show to any tattered heart.

Are you with me? Is so; leave your uplifting comments below for all of those beautiful mothers to read. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down.

I see you. I am here. Always.

________________________________________________________________________________

From Amber:  I think it was September…October maybe, 2013. The grief from losing my son was so raw. So raw. I was angry and resentful. Desperately trying to not feel so alone, I joined a variety of loss support groups. As it turned out, I had a hard time finding a good fit. Many loss groups focus on the idea of Angel Babies or turning towards some sort of God for comfort. Quite helpful for many people but not me. No, not a good fit for me at all, especially then.

One unsuspecting day, a mother asked in one of these groups if there was any non-religious loss/grief advice one may offer. I opened up the comments to see the many replies she had. I was blown away. People had nothing BUT religious loss advice for this woman. I was angry and bitter, and I felt this poor woman who had opened herself up was being let down by her peers. They didn’t know how to relate to what could be helpful to her so they chose to convince her of their own methods.

My very simple paraphrased reply, “I find it interesting that this mother has asked you all for some support in dealing with her grief within the context of a non-religious loss mother and all that everyone seems to have done is shove religion down her throat.”

I had no idea that an argument sparked from my reply would find me such a good friend. We had the religious talk and the God debate. Come to find out, we lost our sons days apart in a very similar way. She has been my go-to loss mom through the thick of it. She remembers me. She’s considerate of me. She is a beautiful, brave Mother and I am lucky to have her as my dear friend.

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