There has only been one constant desire in my life. As a young girl, through my teenage years and well into adulthood, I’ve wanted to be a Mother. This is not the desire for every woman and it does not have to be. It is mine, though. I wanted to be a mother; a good mother. But I knew very early on that achieving pregnancy was not going to be easy for us, so I wanted to try as soon as we were married.
My husband was not on the same page. “What is the rush?”, he would say to me. I patiently waited for his drive to be a father to match the drive I had to be a mother. I waited.
It was not until five years into our marriage that we first visited a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). This doctor ran some tests and had some suggestions. They were expensive suggestions. My husband was not yet on the same page. “We have time”, he would say to me. I patiently waited.
Through the years that followed, I read everything I could about natural fertility enhancing techniques. Every trick in the book was put to the test. We achieved one pregnancy on our own which ended as soon as the positive test showed up. At the time, I thought it was a faulty test.
Nine years into our marriage, we were older. We had a more stable financial situation going on. We saw another RE. We ran more tests. We found several culprits which we were unaware of before. These things surprised us because we had just had a huge overhaul of our diet. We lost a collective approximate 80 pounds together. We were the healthiest we had ever been.
My husband was nearly on the same page as me. He agreed to try a medicinal approach. We used clomid, careful timing and many supplements to give it a last go on our own. And it worked! We became pregnant in the November of 2012, the weekend after Thanksgiving. At this point in time, I was so in tune with my body that I was 100% certain of the exact time I ovulated.
One weekend, we were at a wedding and my husband was photographing the event. Sadly, the bride had just learned that her pregnancy was ectopic and both of her twins would not live past the weekend. I remember having a deep sadness for this mother. I did not understand loss at the time, but I sure as heck understood infertility.
Our pregnancy was prefect. I felt so guilty because I had “survived” infertility and I knew the many others that would never have the chance. Even though I was expecting to bring a perfect, healthy baby home, the damage of infertility had changed me. I was to be an over protective mother with issues of trust. I was still distrustful of the body that had failed me for many years.
My husband was finally on the same page as me. He loved our baby so much and his desire to be a father to him grew each day. He was a good father to him. He took such good care of us. Even he developed feelings of guilt for having waited so long.
Then our son died.
Just like that. He died. Everything we had overcome and worked through had been ripped from us. He was gone.
Many assumed that getting pregnant again was going to be an easy task. Nobody thought that it would take vast amounts of debt, shots, blood draws, probes, egg extractions, biopsies and pills to get pregnant again. Certainly, nobody thought we would not get a take home baby after going through those things.
Here we are though; four years after the loss of our son. Four full IVF cycles, who knows how many IUI’s and all we have had is 3 more losses. Of course, people tend to be less supportive of early loss in general but especially after we suffered the death of our son, full term, a few miscarriages are easy to handle, right? No. They aren’t.
All through this -our struggles with loss and infertility- I can’t help but be thankful for the pregnancy and the baby that we were so lucky to carry for 40 weeks and four days. There are many women and men that do not get this far. I hurt for them. There are women and men that never get to see their baby’s face or hold the precious life that they created. There are couples without eggs, a uterus, what have you. There are couples that no chance at this at all. Being probed, pricked and prodded would be a small price to pay for the chance…
We are so fortunate for this little man to have made us parents. We are so fortunate that we are not completely out of options to be the parents of another. We may never have more and I know that is an ugly, neglected concept among the loss community, but it does happen.
Not everyone gets their “rainbow”. Loss is taboo, and among the loss community, having no living children is even more taboo. We are outcasts of our outcast group. Please, don’t alienate us further. Let us share our experiences and feelings that do not include subsequent children. All of us have been through quite a bit of trauma. Each experience varies. Be kind to us.
They knew they wanted more children and have since suffered many early miscarriages during the process of multiple IVF and IUI cycles which have left them with broken hearts.Feeling defeated and alone, the bereaved parents moved to Connecticut in search of a much needed new start.
Amber was inspired to work towards becoming a therapist during her process of trying to find support after her loss. She is currently a freelance graphic designer, artist and marriage and family therapy graduate student. She takes comfort in the idea that their son was a driving force for her to help other people through a time that she and her husband felt so alone.
- On Being Too Sad To Support Me In Celebrating My Son. - April 9, 2018
- Therapeutic Endeavors III: The Letter - January 26, 2018
- Therapeutic Endeavors Part II - January 24, 2018