- Consider that this pregnancy announcement might be difficult for her
We understand that for you, this pregnancy is a wonderful news that you’re excited to share with the world – and for the most part, the world will gleefully congratulate you. But remember those that will be too heartbroken to utter the words “congratulations”. For someone grieving their own baby, your pregnancy is most likely going to be a triggering reminder of their loss. Try to share your news with restraint and simplicity and save the excitement for the next person you’ll tell.
- Let her own her emotions
Don’t expect her to be happy for you, and don’t make her feel like she has to pretend to be. Allow her to be honest about her emotions and don’t take her reactions personally : it is not ill wishes toward you, but sadness for her loss. She is grieving a precious baby, a baby she loves as much as you love the one you’re carrying. Don’t add to her pain by guilt-tripping her about feelings that are simply out of her control.
- Don’t turn your pregnancy announcement into an emotional hostage-taking
The way you chose to share your pregnancy announcement is critical. Some Still Mothers will appreciate you sharing the news in person or with a phone call, but many would rather receive an email, a text, or a FB message, so that they don’t have to watch their reactions. Understand that they may not be able to control their voices and facial expression, and don’t blame them for it. It can be easier for a Still Mother to be told through a third person, for instance her mother or a common friend. In any case, avoid sharing the news in a public setting : if she is going to cry, she probably would rather do it privately. If you’re unsure how she’d like to find out, ask her.
- Don’t just skip telling her
It might feel easier to not say anything and save her (and yourself) sorrow and awkwardness, but leaving her out all together is not an option. She is going to hear about your pregnancy one way or another. If she’s a friend or family, she deserves to be included. Find the courage to reach out.
- Mention her child
It would be a nice gesture to include her child in your pregnancy announcement. Acknowledge that your baby is going to have a special friend or cousin in her son or daughter gone too soon. Express your sadness that the two children won’t get to grow up together and reassure her that her baby won’t be forgotten.
- Respect her boundaries
Let her choose how involved she wants to be (and is able to be) in your pregnancy. Don’t pressure her to look at ultrasounds, and later when baby is here to visit or hold him. Find someone else to complain about pregnancy issues or your lack of sleep. Think twice about sending shower invites, they are a huge trigger for most Still Mothers. Ask yourself what you could do to make it gentler on her ; if you invite her to do something baby-related, make sure she is up to it and give her a way out if she gets overwhelmed.
- Love After Loss – Part II - February 10, 2017
- Love After Loss – Part I - February 8, 2017
- Sorry Not Sorry - January 23, 2017