Time heals all wounds, they say. But I’m learning that isn’t always the case. Grief happens and sometimes our hearts will never completely mend. The loss of my perfect angel hurts more than I could have ever imagined. No, I was not “that far” along in my pregnancy. I thought my pain was invalid, that I shouldn’t be this broken over a small, unborn baby. It took me years to realize that yes, I’m a mother and yes my child’s life mattered.
I loved you from the moment I knew you were there. When I heard your heartbeat I felt something inside me change, my mothering instincts kicked in. I wanted to love and keep you safe for the rest of my life. I have never been more happy. My life was changing but I was ready. When you died 5 years ago, a piece of me went with you.
Being a mother without any living children is the hardest thing I’ve ever known. I dream of the day where I’m holding my precious, healthy baby in my arms. I long for a child of my own to raise, to love, to experience life with.
Every day is a battle. All around me I see mothers with their children, pregnant mothers ready to bring their child into the world. And of course I am happy for them, for people who have the miracle of creating life that survived, I truly am. But that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t hurt, that my soul isn’t weary from this impossible journey of invisible motherhood.
I do not get to look across the room at my child’s face and think about how blessed I am. I look to the sky and somehow I know my angel is there, watching over me. I do find comfort in that during my weakest moments. If I had the chance to go back, to erase all this pain, I wouldn’t. Its all worth it, this love I have for my angel is unlike anything I’ve ever felt.
Being a Still Mother is isolating. I feel far away from the rest of the world. I don’t get to swap stories about the hilarious things our children did, I don’t get plan birthday parties or cry about how fast my child is growing up.
As the years pass, it gets more difficult, the urge to bring a baby into the world grows stronger with every passing day. I have hope that someday I will get to experience the joys of motherhood, instead of the darkness.
All I have left of my angel is ultrasound pictures and all these thoughts about who you would be today. My 4 1/2 year old sweetheart. My only child lives in heaven, there’s no words to explain the pain of that truth.
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Emily Hamlett is a 26 year old, single woman. She works and goes to school full time. She enjoys music, reading, spending time with her wonderful family. She lost her only child to a miscarriage in 2011.
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