Not Anymore

I used to have a little girl. The fairest of them all. A cuddler, a fighter, everything I had hoped for. I used to be a mother, to carry her, to feed her, to change her diapers. I was the moon to her sun, and never away from her. But not anymore.

The things I’ve seen and the things I’ve heard, they can’t be translated. When I try to remember, it’s like it happened to somebody else. When I look at the pictures, all the characters have changed. The baby dead and the husband gone and the girl with the long blond hair – she doesn’t even look like me anymore.

I remember being in love. Breathing in each other’s faces. I remember sleeping together. Your tiny body spread across the hospital bed. I remember you were my life, and knowing you would not survive. Feeling cut open like a fish, but not anymore.

We lived without you, as in a field of ruins. Careful not to build back anything. I put glass domes over ashes, over every memory. Waiting for the day I’d find you in your crib. Or someone would ring the bell, and you’d be at the door. I used to go to bed, praying I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I don’t anymore.

I made peace with your death, that felt like renouncement. And when I loved again, it tasted like treason. There’s a closeness in pain I was clinging to. I didn’t want to heal,I didn’t want to be okay. I thought I’d rather live in the past we shared anyway. But not anymore.

Happiness is terrifying, in it’s own way. I never wanted to breathe again, if it meant you’d fade away. But there’s still a hole in my life, that’s just the size of you. A baby ghost by my side, that only we can see. A silence in our house, that’s louder than you’d think. There’s a missing piece that remains part of the puzzle. And that, my girl – is forevermore

Chloë Sóleyjarmóðir
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Chloë is 27, and a high school teacher. But before anything else, she's Soley's mom. Soley was diagnosed at age 3 months with an aggressive kind of brain cancer called ATRT. She showed an amazing fight through months of hospital and chemotherapy, but treatment was ineffective and she died at 11 months. Soley is her only baby, and remains her whole world. You can read about her story on her blog, aboutholland.wordpress.com

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