To the nurse that said “Congratulations” I think about you a lot. The story of my daughters life doesn’t start out like a lot of pregnancy stories. It wasn’t one of those sweet times in a couples lives where they decided to have children and within a couple of months they we’re pregnant. It was hard for us. However, I didn’t give up, I didn’t lose faith and then without any symptoms I had a weird inkling to take a pregnancy test. After five long years of trying, our world suddenly and wonderfully changed.
Our precious Aurora Rose existed , five years of wondering and waiting we had our baby. But I never got that excited feeling. While I was filled with love for my child, I always felt uneasy in my soul. I tried to ignore it, and start doing all the things you do when you prepare for your baby. But for some reason I could never commit to preparing.
At our first big ultrasound they noticed indicators of abnormalities. From then on, any enjoyment I could have had during my pregnancy was continually ripped away. “We thought your baby had this….but the test results were negative. But now we think she has this”. Every appointment came with a negative result of the previous diagnosis and the introduction of a new one.
Finally, the day after my 31st birthday, we were told Aurora had Trisomy 18. They said It was not compatible with life, treating her would be a waste of resources, and we should go home and wait for her to die. I was in my third trimester and was trying to comprehend how this baby who would move, kick, spin, roll, like an Olympic gymnast and did everything they said she wouldn’t, wasn’t going to live.
So I fought.
I wanted to make sure if she was born alive that I didn’t prolong misery, but gave her a chance if she chose to fight., too.
I listened to doctor after doctor treat me like I was in denial. I wasn’t, I knew the odds were against us, but I still refused to give up on her. They fought me, and continually insinuated that she would just be a waste of their time and resources.
Then came that moment, that feeling, that she was leaving me. After begging for prayers from friends and family I received one last swift and powerful kick as though she were saying goodbye. I could have rushed to the emergency room, but they wouldn’t have done anything. I knew that at least within me she was protected, loved and valued.
On April 25, 2016 Aurora Rose’s earthly body made it’s way into the world. She was beautiful and she was loved. On the day I left the hospital, they put me in a wheelchair and sat a box in my lap containing her little hat and receiving blanket. While I was being rolled past the nurses station a cheerful nurse from behind the counter said “Congratulations!” I tried to squeeze out a “thank you” but it wouldn’t come out. After all, my daughter still mattered, and was still a wonderful gift. And I deserved the congratulations. However, that bitter part of me wanted to scream and say “ Congratulations on what?! Five years and I’m leaving with empty arms?!”.
That “congratulations” rings in my head all the time. It symbolizes so much. The ignorance people have toward child loss, not knowing what is appropriate to say, but the longing still mothers have to be to be treated like any other mom. If I knew who that nurse was I would go back and tell her “thank you”. She may not have known I was going home empty handed, and I hope she never found out, I don’t wish that guilt on her. But I did deserve that congratulations because my daughter existed and her life mattered.
All still mothers, no matter how hard it is to hear, still deserve to be congratulated because we are mothers too.
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My name is Ashley Nix. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for six. I suffered from five years of unexplained infertility but in 2015 I was ecstatic to learn that I was pregnant. However, we soon learned our daughter had Trisomy 18. On April 25th, 2016 at 28 weeks our daughter Aurora Rose Nix was born sleeping. Now I currently run a group where I perform and suggest acts of kindness in her and other angel babies memories.
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I found a book titled “Empty Arms ” when I lost my son during pregnancy. It helped with the healing so I wanted to pass on the info . Thank you for writing this .