Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone and this year I struggled. With every “Happy Thanksgiving!” text, note or wishes, my face would go blank and I would type or say the appropriate response. However, in my head? In my head I was wondering what there was to be happy OR thankful about. A sentiment that startled me. When my son died, I got out of the hospital shortly after Thanksgiving. Typically, despite the sadness, I can easily rhyme off a very long list of reasons I am thankful at Thanksgiving. This year…I did not feel it.
I felt a gaping hole at the table; where we all sat on chairs when there should have been a 4 year old boy who would most likely not want to sit through his meal. The lack of chaos that Thomas would have brought was palpable. My niece was there, playing with us because she does not have a living cousin to play with. Instead of seeing all I had, I seemed to only be able to see what I should have had. I did Thanksgiving backwards.
Ever since we lost Thomas, if I am posting on social media about a holiday I wish people a happy and gentle (insert holiday here) as I now understand holidays can be quite painful. They can torment us with painful reminders of who we don’t have with us, what if should have been like and the terrible silence that deafens us. For me, the worst is typically Christmas – but this year, I think Thanksgiving was in the top three. I don’t know how to fix it , or if it is fixable at all. I don’t know if I should set a place for him or spend some time looking at pictures. I was very sick when we lost Thomas and I survived by a hair, 0.006% of people survive that situation – not only did I feel triggered but I felt guilty about my lack of gratitude!
Sometimes, being ungrateful is okay. I feel, far too often, our grief is quieted. We are told we are strong, we are told to BE strong or even admired for our supposed strength. It can frustrate and anger me. Why can’t we be angry? Why can’t we be sad? Why can’t we be ungrateful? Or happy? Or silly? Why can’t we be all of the above or none of the above? It is so important, in this journey of healing, that we are allowed to feel and process our own feelings. Not fit into an archetype constructed by someone else.
I can’t put into words how grateful I am for Thomas’ short life. To be able to have heard his beautiful heartbeat, to have the privilege of loving him from the moment I knew he was growing. To watch my husband talk to my pregnant belly and admonish him for making his Mommy sick (morning sickness is SO misnamed). For being able to love him for the rest of my days – all of that I am truly grateful for. For surviving and the kindness of friends and family, then and now. For finding a community like Still Mothers – where I finally am no longer a square peg in a round hole.
Today, I wish you a gentle Thanksgiving – be it one filled with gratitude or other battling emotions. Trust those feelings: they are yours and they are valid.
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