There’s a widely accepted story about why today is called Black Friday. A hundred or so years ago, bookkeepers would keep track of losses in red ink and profits in black. Throughout most of the year, the books would be filled with red, until the day after Thanksgiving. As people would kick off their holiday seasons with buying everything they needed for the upcoming holidays, cashiers gladly accepted the money they were handed.  The bookkeepers writing would magically turn black and people would rejoice that they were actually making money. Others were happy to have what they needed already.

This time last year, I had just found out the life growing inside of me was a baby boy. Of course I was going to take advantage of the sales around me! I contributed to stores making their profits by buying outfits and nursery items. Just in this one day, I imagined all the lines I would wait in for him. I’d want to make sure I made all his wishes come true. There was only light that surrounded me, but I knew the electronic books were turning dark.

As a Still Mother, I see and feel another type of blackness today.

It’s officially the beginning of the holiday season. Most are seeing the bright store lights and I’m in bed, welcoming the pitch black that fills my room. I’m hiding from the happy ads and the cheery Christmas music. Each taunts all of my senses, even when I turn on the television. Both are triggers for the happiness and present that was stolen from me. That’s why I welcome this darkness. It’s somehow easier to process the differences of the rush to get to Christmas for others and the rush for the holiday to end for me.

Even on my black Friday, missing him weighs so heavily one me and there’s the sting of the secondary losses. I’ve lost the person I was just one year ago. It hurts to still be getting to know this new me and it hurts even more to be going through these days without Jensen. I’ve lost seeing him eat his turkey and his excitement as he opens up his first Christmas present. It feels like I’ve lost today and the fun it used to bring me. There’s a huge part of me that feels the loss of my family’s happiness towards me. I know they see my hurt and I’ve lost them today.

I’ve lost so much and have only gained jealousy and bitterness on this Black Friday.

When I do drag myself out of bed and see his picture on the end table, I have hope that he’s still close by. He’s the light in the darkness and I continue on for him and for me. Even when it feels like I’ve lost myself, I know I’ll always be his mother. This holiday season isn’t how I planned, at all, but I feel like I need to honor some of the promises I made to him. I can let the pitch-black surround me, but I will not allow it to consume me.

I’ll dig out the Christmas tree and the Jensen themed ornaments I bought with him this time last year. It’ll come together and will tell a story of the love and loss that I face each day. The tree will be full, but the pitch black is still there. Darkness will always be present in this life, especially in the weeks coming up. I plus in the lights that circle around the branches and it instantly brings me light. The ornament with Jensen’s name sparkles the most. It reminds me, that even on Black Friday he brings me light and purpose.

However you decide to spend this day, know you’re not alone and whatever you do is perfectly okay.