The Christmas of 2012 was our favorite and happiest Christmas to date. We had learned early in the month that we were finally expecting our first child. I was practically bed ridden with morning sickness and fatigue but I had no worries in the world. The gift theme was pretty much Baby On the Way. A huge anatomical and physiological pregnancy information book, a pregnancy journal and, of course, Skinny Bitch: Bun In The Oven. We were over to moon with excitement. We were looking forward to the New Year and the start of the life that we always wanted.
Fast forward to Christmas of 2013 and the contrast is quite apparent. We both were practically bed ridden with grief, fog, and misery. There were no gifts. There was no excitement. The impending New Year was the heaviest weight. We had lost what we were quite sure would be our only child. We were in a hole that we really weren’t even interested in getting out of at the time. The bleak new life that we never wanted was here.
We are approaching our fourth Christmas and New Year without Jasper and let me tell you, things are not much different than they were that year. A very newly bereaved mother asked me how I coped with things. I posed the same question to Jasper’s dad.
We can’t say that we have the best way of coping with things. We certainly can’t tell others that my way is better or worse than theirs. We can tell you things we have done to manage and make it through with as little pain possible. So here it is; Jasper’s Mom And Dad’s 5 Tips For Getting Through The Holiday Season, the only way WE know how.
Deck the Halls! Or don’t….
Put the lights and tree up. Light the Menorah. Do whatever one does for Kwanzaa. Or — don’t. Last year we got Jasper his own little blue tree to match his TARDIS that holds his urn. This is probably the only tree that will be up in our house this year. Every year up to this point, we have either made, purchased, or been gifted a special ornament for Jasper. Last year was the first year we hung a stocking for him. We didn’t fill it. Feel free if you choose. Buy gifts for your babies if you want. No, you’re not crazy, dear friend. You’re a mother and/or father learning to live without your child. Whatever you need to do.
Practice Self Care
Try to do anything that comes to mind that seems remotely pleasant, as those are rare at this point. Throw out all preconceived obligatory appearances. Don’t feel obligated to host or join holiday gatherings. This can be overwhelming and counter-productive to your own healing process. We try to celebrate each other and appreciate what we have left. We make the nice 2 person Christmas dinner. We crack open the cider (or wine… or vodka…) on New Year’s Eve. Find what gets you through.
Protect Yourself
Avoid people entirely who are saying things that are just generally irritating. Hide their feed on Facebook. Turn your phone off if you need. Tell the people around you what you need for them to do or say. Don’t expect them to know. If they ignore your requests, don’t feel bad if you need to take a break from them. If they respect you, make sure you let them know you appreciate them. Remember, your support people are not necessarily the same people you always knew and loved and you may find support in very unlikely places.
Use Your Own Discretion in Public
If a cashier at a store asks about having kids, either give them the dismissing line “I have dogs” or tell them something like “my only child died” and watch them become horrified. Either way, avoid them from now on. There is no right or wrong way to answer questions like these. People should be ready for answers when they ask, but don’t feel guilty if you find yourself wanting to avoid reality from time to time.
Embrace Your Emotions
Try to express feelings when they come. It is good to draw, paint, write, or just cry about those thoughts to help get through them. Christmas of 2013, we crafted Jasper ornaments and sent them to everyone in our immediate family so that Jasper was a part of their Christmas ever year.
There is probably going to be some guilt involved when considering a “happy” holiday season. There doesn’t have to be. I can’t say for sure, but I am guessing that our children would not want to see us sad all the time. We will never stop missing them. The hole will always be there. It doesn’t mean that you have moved on either. This is a process that changes over the years. You’ll never hear us say that things have gotten easier. We just learn to live with it.
From Jasper’s family to yours, we wish you peace and healing this holiday season.
They knew they wanted more children and have since suffered many early miscarriages during the process of multiple IVF and IUI cycles which have left them with broken hearts.Feeling defeated and alone, the bereaved parents moved to Connecticut in search of a much needed new start.
Amber was inspired to work towards becoming a therapist during her process of trying to find support after her loss. She is currently a freelance graphic designer, artist and marriage and family therapy graduate student. She takes comfort in the idea that their son was a driving force for her to help other people through a time that she and her husband felt so alone.
- On Being Too Sad To Support Me In Celebrating My Son. - April 9, 2018
- Therapeutic Endeavors III: The Letter - January 26, 2018
- Therapeutic Endeavors Part II - January 24, 2018