When I found out I was pregnant, like so many other women – I signed up various baby websites. These website had various groups including “birth boards”. I was part of two groups for January 2012 Mama’s. I remember when one woman dropped out; she had experienced a miscarriage – I remember thinking how sad it was – but I didn’t do much to reach out to her. I didn’t understand the magnitude of loss, yet. I loved the birth boards, as I was by the computer a lot, and these women became part of my daily life. But when I lost Thomas, it was after several weeks of life and death and I wasn’t in any position to post that online – I wasn’t even conscious.
I remember receiving such caring messages from these women, after we had lost Thomas and after it became clear I would live. I was drowning in grief and so many reached a hand out to me, despite being joyful in their own healthy pregnancies. I remember one day receiving a message that I would receive a memorial gift and they didn’t want it to trigger me. (I didn’t even know what a “trigger” was back then! Oh, those new days of grief, when I was innocent!) I didn’t know what a memorial necklace was; I was a bit worried and assumed it was ‘some kind of American thing’. The gift arrived and I opened it with a fair bit of nerves – and then the tears came. These amazing, beautiful women had sent me love. A double pendent that said Thomas under a cut out heart, behind the heart it said “you left footprints on my heart”. I immediately put it on; I only took it off for medical tests for the next year and half.
There were many reasons I loved my pendant; it was a subtle but tangible symbol that I was a mother. It was a way for me to wear Thomas’ name without it drawing a ton of unwanted attention. It was a beautiful gift from many beautiful hearts and became my person talisman. I was wearing it once and my cousin asked “is this the one you received from strangers on the internet”? I nodded, but you know, it’s four years later they are still not strangers. They are part of my life and allow me the privilege of watching their January babies grow up; they remember Thomas with me and allow feel normal among them.
There are so many “strangers on the internet” I am grateful to; so many Facebook groups, so many loss mom’s who held me up when I couldn’t stand on my own. Not to mention the Still Mothers community who gave me a home when I felt adrift in the loss world. There are still times I feel the pull to wear that special necklace and it never fails to bring me comfort and strength.
During this months of holidays, when it can be hard to fit in, hard to smile – know you aren’t alone. There are strangers on the internet to walk with you, to walk beside you and to help show you the pitfalls as we walk our path of grief.
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