It’s the most wonderful time of the year…right? Most definitely not. Not when your child has died.
Just thinking about Christmas is giving me severe anxiety. Like to the point that I am shaking and sweating and feel like I am going to pass out. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and I was looking forward to sharing our traditions with Rowan since the day I found out I was pregnant. Last Christmas I was pregnant with her and received a “First Christmas” onesie with a tutu from my husband’s godmother. At that time we didn’t know that we were having a girl yet but somehow his godmother knew.
My husband and I have been wanting a child to make our family complete and finding out right before Christmas last year that it was actually happening was the best gift EVER! Last Christmas was the best one of my life but this year will be the second hardest day I have ever had to deal with.
Christmas was always the one time of the year that I could count on for all of our family to be together. It was the one time of the year that all talk related to work was left at the doorstep. The one time of the year when I could be truly happy and stress free. But that is no longer the case. Christmas for me is now something that I dread. I should be looking forward to putting that onesie and tutu on our daughter and taking her down to the living room to experience her first Christmas. I should be on the floor with her and helping her open all her presents. I should be showing her just how magical Christmas is and all of the great traditions that we have. But I am not. This year I will be celebrating a holiday that I do not want to celebrate. I will have to put on a happy face when all I want to do is be alone with my husband. We always have Christmas at our house, but this year nobody even asked if I was up for it. They all made the plans without thinking about what I would want this year. By the time I realized it was happening it was too late to say something.
Yes, we should still celebrate this day for our family so that they can have a good day, but what about me?? What about what I want? I don’t want a house full. I don’t want kids around. I don’t want to put the tree up. And I don’t want presents. The only thing I want is for Rowan to be here.
And I don’t want to hear, “She is with you in spirit”.
She is not with me in spirit, she is on my nightstand in her urn where she will stay forever. She will never get to see a Christmas morning and will never get to put the decorations on the tree. Christmas is far from what it was for me last year. A day filled with anxiety, grief, anger, and sadness. A day that I do not want to participate in and a day that I wish wasn’t centered on kids.
Christmas will forever be a day that I dread. It will forever be a day that is no longer special to me. I will forever be a day that brings anxiety and stress. It will forever be a day that brings heartbreak. Christmas is no longer Christmas for me.
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My name is Jessica and I am 32 years old. I am a wife and the mother of 1 playful 4 year old puppy. We are proud to call Atlanta, GA our home. Since being married me and my husband have experienced 6 losses, 5 of them being very early and the 6th one happening at 33 weeks on April, 18, 2016. Losing our daughter Rowan has and will forever be the hardest thing we have ever been through. We are living day by day and forever supporting each other. I hope that by sharing my story and daily struggles some of you can find some sort of peace knowing that you are not alone.
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Thinking of you mama 🙁 my husband and I have had 3 losses and we lost our daughter, Cadence, at 36 weeks on 1/11/16. I, too, am dreading Christmas….the holiday I loved the most and now I just wish that I could fast forward. Stay strong and do what you need to do for you and your family. Xoxo