For the first few months after losing Jensen, I wasn’t able to listen to music. It was a huge trigger since Jensen would kick and dance to every song he heard. There were so many silent days, which ended up making me feel worse. So, I started listening to it again. It took me a while to fully immerse myself into each note and lyric as I did when I was pregnant. I started off with his favorite songs that I sung to him, then the ones I could dance to. Music almost made me feel lighter again. Almost as if I was giving myself permission to feel moments of joy again.

I found myself even starting to listen to the radio again.

As I was driving, a familiar song filled my speakers. My voice started singing along before my brain could process what song it actually was. I was even dancing in my seat. Then the next seven words flowed out of my mouth and my brain processed what they actually meant.

All I want for Christmas is you. 

An innocent, upbeat song sent tears flowing down my cheeks while I pulled off the side of the road. Of course, there is only one person I want here for Christmas, but I know I can never have him back. I would give all the presents underneath any tree and much, much more to have him back in arms. He’s all I want for Christmas and all the days. In that moment it felt like the world was against me, even though I know it wasn’t.

Of course I changed the radio station back to the safe playlist on my phone. On the way back, I wished for protection from all triggers for the holiday season. I wish I hadn’t put my tree and snowmen up. It didn’t seem fair to myself try and participate. I was angry at myself and how the world had loss. No one should grieve during the holidays.

When I walked through my front door, I tried to ignore all the festive decorations. Then I thought of the reasons why I put them in the first place. This is Jensen’s first holiday season, even though it’s much different than I had planned. Last year, I got all of the ornaments on the tree with him safely in my belly. Instead of seeing the loss I had felt after listening to that innocent song, I saw Jensen’s ornaments. There’s little angels, J’s, and his name that brings his spirit in our home.

He’s all I want for Christmas and although he’s gone, he’s brought me the best gifts in the world.

He’s given me motherhood.

He’s given me the most joyous memories.

He gave me the best thirty-eight weeks and two days.

He’s gifted me his strength to keep waking up each morning.

He’s given me a reason to keep going on and helping other people in his honor.

Most of all, he’s gifted me love. A love that’s eternal. The love only a child can bring their mother.

This holiday season, I know we can’t truly have what we want. I wish that I could bring them back to each and every one of us. During this time, when nothing seems fair, just know I see your pain. But more importantly I see your motherhood and the love you have for your child. No one can ever take those two gifts away from you.