I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was full of emotions. I was 21, and honestly I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. I was terrified, nervous, but also blissfully happy and excited. The feelings I experienced when I found out my baby was growing inside of me were the best I’ve ever known.
It was also the day my sister, my very best friend in the world, found out she was pregnant. We thought how funny! Of course we’d become pregnant at the same time! We were so in sync it seemed. I was happy to go through this pregnancy with my best friend. Our first babies. I dreamed of our kids playing together, growing up as cousins. Life was amazing.
I started browsing mom books, looking at cute little baby clothes. Already wanting to give you my best, give you everything you needed. You were all I could think about, I loved you so much already. It never crossed my mind that I could lose you.
I started having symptoms of a miscarriage. Throughout the process I always had hope. Maybe I’m not losing my baby. Maybe its just normal spotting. Maybe everything is going to be just fine. I kept thinking “You have to survive. I can’t imagine living life without you.” My symptoms started to get worse, so I went to the ER. My baby’s heartbeat was still there, even stronger than the last time. I had hope, so much hope.
At my next doctor appointment, my world was shattered. The nurses kept looking and looking, but no heartbeat. They called in the doctor and she confirmed that my baby had died. There’s really no words to describe it, to describe the emptiness, the heartbreak of that moment. Something in me changed that day, and I felt I would never crawl out of that deep, dark hole of overwhelming grief. There’s no funeral for a miscarriage, there’s no closure, there’s really no hello or goodbye. One day your baby is alive and well.. And then poof. Gone. Like they never existed at all, its shocking and devastating. I know people have had it worse, much worse. But it doesn’t change the pain I felt, the pain I still feel.
I don’t mention the father of my baby often. He left as soon as I miscarried, without a goodbye or a reason as to why. I later found out he was having a baby with another girl, I was only a couple of weeks further along. My heart seriously couldn’t take much more, it was all too much to bear. Her baby lived. Mine died. It was hard for me to process. Why didn’t my baby survive? Why did my body fail me?
The next several months took everything I had, all my strength to make it through. Losing a baby when your sister is pregnant is incredibly painful. Watching her pregnancy progress, while I mourned the loss of my baby was extremely difficult. Of course I was happy for her and I hoped with everything in me that her pregnancy would go smoothly. But my heart was broken, and my soul hurt a little more with each day that passed.
I went to doctor appointments with her, helped plan and decorate for the baby shower. I just keep thinking.. This should be my life too. This isn’t how its suppose to be. I tried to be strong but I found myself constantly breaking down. It was the darkest time of my life, it felt like a cruel joke. I kept asking why? Why did it have to turn out like this?
The first time I saw my nephew, I felt this overwhelming peace come over me. I looked at his perfect face, his little fingers and toes, and in that moment my heart started the process of healing. I started to feel joy again. I smiled a real, genuine smile. I fell in love that day and the hopelessness I knew for so long was slowly starting to fade. Of course I still had a long way to go, I had a lot of heart work to do. But he was my miracle, who arrived at the perfect time.
The next 4 1/2 years have been a constant battle. I have good days and I have bad days. The pain isn’t as intense as it was, but its still there and always will be. My first child can never be replaced, I will miss him or her for the rest of my life. But I keep dreaming of the day where I’m holding a baby of my own, heartbeat steady and true. I’ve been a mother for 5 years without a child here with me. Its an ongoing battle in my head, to believe in the timing, to believe it will actually happen someday. Its really the only thing I want in this entire world.
Losing your child is something that changes you forever. You’ll always miss them, you’ll always wonder who they would be today. You will always love them with every fiber of your being. Take time and grieve. Do not let anyone try to convince you that you’re pain isn’t real, that you should have moved on by now. Remember your child daily. Light candles. Set up a place in your home to put all the things that remind you of them. I kept my feelings bottled up for a long time, I tried to push them aside and it was my downfall. Trust me.. remember them, mourn them, speak about them. Don’t worry about what others say or think
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Emily Hamlett is a 26 year old, single woman. She works and goes to school full time. She enjoys music, reading, spending time with her wonderful family. She lost her only child to a miscarriage in 2011.
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