Five years old..it keeps running through my head..five years old, we should have had a five year old. Should have…changes the sentence in such a horrific way. I should be thinking about kindergarten – public or private? I should be planning for your party – you were due on January Continue Reading …
Every year we always say “New Year New Me”. That usually entails working out, setting goals, and dreaming about what this year will bring. But being a loss mom a New Year for me means a whole lot less. It means living another year childless. Living another year wishing I Continue Reading …
Your children make me sad. It’s not your fault. It’s not mine. It’s no one’s, really. It’s just the truth, and, as they say, the truth can hurt. I don’t mean for it to –truly — but the reality is, seeing your child smiling and running and playing and hugging Continue Reading …
Two years ago, I met a woman at a bereaved moms retreat. She was beautiful and beaming, a soothed soul, the kind of women that grief didn’t make sour. She said she didn’t want the daughter she lost during birth to be linked with anything negative; on the contrary, she wanted Continue Reading …
It’s taken me awhile to admit it, but I think losing James has made me a better person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t rather have him here. I would gladly give anything to have my son with me again. What I am saying is that since losing him so suddenly Continue Reading …
If there is anything that I’ve learned from this walk with grief it is how puny words can be. Countless times I’ve found myself muttering, “I don’t know how else to describe it” or “That’s not the right word, it feels bigger than that.” Sometimes silence is the only thing Continue Reading …
My daughter died two and a half years ago and everyday I’m fighting for her life. I’m fighting for her life to be acknowledged, to be recognized, to be remembered. For her name to be said, for her presence to be counted. I’m fighting for her, and for me as Continue Reading …
Editor’s Note: this Guest Post contains the author’s personal opinions about religion. Please read with caution, if this is a triggering subject for you. To my son: I know your dad doesn’t like it when I apologize, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I did anything to cause your death. Continue Reading …
**This is part II of II. Read part I here. I never got to tell him goodbye. It’s been about eight months since he was born and taken into the room next to me. In the beginning, I was very hard on myself about my decision. I can remember lying Continue Reading …
I didn’t hold my son. When I found out his heart had stopped beating, I couldn’t think straight. Honestly, I didn’t believe the doctor when he told me. This didn’t happen to people in this century, especially at thirty-eight weeks. We had made it through the safe periods, it couldn’t Continue Reading …
I remember hearing stories and rumors of a friend’s friend who lost a baby a few years ago. She was devastated and didn’t know what to do. She was depressed for months and didn’t talk to anyone. On the same note, no one talked to her either because they didn’t Continue Reading …
“New normal” It’s a term that has come up quite often during my pregnancy loss journey. The first time I heard the term used was when I spoke to another pregnancy loss mom who told me life may seem dark now, but I will soon learn to adjust to my Continue Reading …
The holiday momentum started in mid October. I could feel it coming on. I fantasize about all of the things Jasper may have dressed up as for Halloween, the foods he would have liked or disliked at Thanksgiving and the gifts we would have carefully picked for him for Christmas. Continue Reading …
