I remember hearing stories and rumors of a friend’s friend who lost a baby a few years ago. She was devastated and didn’t know what to do. She was depressed for months and didn’t talk to anyone. On the same note, no one talked to her either because they didn’t know what to say.
Then on February 7, 2016 I became that woman. I was the woman everyone read about. I was devastated and depressed and didn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t even comprehend what I was going through. This couldn’t happen to me. I was 24 years old, a pastor’s daughter with a great personality (obviously humble), and my husband and I wanted to have a million children. How was it possible that in one night I would lose my son, James, AND my ability to have any further children? How is one person supposed to cope with that much loss?
My story in short: My husband and I had been married two years when we began trying for our first. We found out we were pregnant in September of 2015 and were ecstatic! Unfortunately that is when the morning sickness started. I was sick my entire pregnancy. I couldn’t keep down anything, including water and ice chips. I was put on bed rest in December and by January doctors warned us they thought something could be wrong with James. He could potentially have Down’s syndrome. None of that mattered to us though. We just wanted a happy healthy baby. Then on February 7th I started having stomach pains, which I attributed to constipation. They continued and got worse so quickly that I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. When I arrived, they told me I had begun to bleed and that there was no heartbeat. From that point, I don’t think I paid attention to anything they said afterward. Although I didn’t believe them and knew there must be some mistake. I was in the third trimester. Was this even possible?! Then during the emergency C-section I began to hemorrhage and the doctor told my husband they would have to do a hysterectomy to keep me alive. My husband couldn’t even say anything. Who can blame him?
It took me about five months to be able to talk about James in an open setting. Even then, I cried until you couldn’t understand what I was saying. Thankfully, the ladies in my support group just sat there and cried with me. It was the first night they met me and I’m sure they thought I was insane.
However, those women have been my saving grace, to say the least. They encouraged me to continuously talk about my sweet boy. They helped me realize that telling our story helps me honor James and heal at the same time and also helps other women know that they deserve the right to grieve as well. Now, I try my best to talk about my son daily. In doing so, I have seen so many women come out and say that they too, have lost a baby but have never been open about it because it wasn’t acceptable. I encourage everyone to share their story no matter the gestational age. We have all gone through something so traumatic and only another Still Mother can understand the way we do. I also encourage you to reach out when you need help. It’s okay to need help. I don’t think we are meant to go through these defeating times alone. There are so many Still Mothers out there who feel the same way you do and want to be heard and understood.
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Ashley Sheehan is 24. She and her husband live in Elizabethtown Kentucky. Her precious son James Harlan Edward Sheehan is loved and missed every day.
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Thank you for writing this, I too sadly understand just how difficult it is to grieve two losses at one time. In may 2013 I lost my beautiful little boy Charlie. I too started to bleed internally due to the placenta abrupting caused by placenta percreta, the only way to save my life was a hysterectomy. I woke in ICU and had the devastating news broken to me. 3 years on and life is still a struggle, like you I talk about my son on a daily basis I will always tell the world just how precious he is and proud I am to be his mama. Since my loss I have found so few people who have sadly experienced both losses and it’s comforting to know there are people who understand. Sending you the biggest of hugs x